You Might Be A Gun Control Activist If…

You might be a gun control activist if…

You think that the FBI has fudged crime statistics data for the past 20 years because Wayne LaPierre takes them out for CiCi’s pizza every Tuesday.

You think Shannon watts makes a lot of sense if people would just listen to her.

You think that Shannon could deliver her message more effectively if she talked slow and loud, like you do when visiting foreign countries.

You’ve had a pot luck supper at Michael Bloomberg’s house.

You’ve smoked pot with Michael Bloomberg.

You’ve ever said “If it could save just one life…”

You’ve never used the phrase “If it could save just one life” when it comes to drunk driving, swimming pool drownings, or car accidents.

You’ve ever uttered the words “If it could save just one life” while drinking a glass of wine by your swimming pool.

You believe that Wayne LaPierre funnels all the NRA membership dues to a secret account in the Cayman Islands.

You’re convinced that law abiding citizens, who take a class, submit fingerprints, get probed by the FBI and wait months for a permit, are the root cause of drive by shootings.

You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons, terrorism and the unchecked spread of Shake Weight use.

You think armed security is fine for people who are important enough.

You have armed security. Because you’re just like me. Only a little better.

You believe that rib-eye steaks are grown hydroponically in a back room of the Safeway store.

You believe that little Mikey Bloomberg knows more about gun safety than people who actually own them.

You believe the founding fathers got into a major shooting war to protect our deer hunting rights.

That millions of Americans who knew how to shoot didn’t make all that much difference when it came to winning World Wars I and II…. Everyone knows the French turned the tide in our favor.

You think that the federal government giving guns to Mexican drug lords is not newsworthy, but teaching kids about gun safety is dangerous.

You believe that no one around you in your day-to-day travels is carrying a gun. Because you don’t.

You believe magazine bans will work because, when a gun is fired, the magazines get all used up.

You believe that NRA, with 5 million dues-paying members, doesn’t represent the majority opinion, while a rich guy from New York with a Napoleon complex and a couple dozen paid groupies, does.

You believe that Riker’s Island inmates are more scared of “No guns allowed” signs than clowns, Freddie Kreuger or Rosie O’Donnell.

You would rather die unarmed, and leave your family on their own, than use a gun to defend yourself. Because morally superior.

You choose not to remember that the biggest, baddest assault weapons in existence were owned by private citizens when the 2nd Amendment was written.

You’ve ever used the term “assault weapon.”

You think that the word “militia” means the National Guard.

You’ve never been mugged.

You’ve ever cited the New York Times, Salon.com or Mother Jones as a source. For anything except take-out restaurant reviews.

You believe you are 937 times more likely to die by spontaneous combustion or killer bunions if you have a gun in your home.

You often make pronouncements about what other people “need” and “don’t need.”

You really believe our kids are safe by putting a no guns sign on the school door.

You’ve ever used the term “gun violence” or “gun crime”

You pretend not to hear when someone tells you that violent crime is at its lowest level in the past 100 years.

You think that the people with the least amount of relevant knowledge have all the great ideas.