Army Field Tests Synthetic Soldiers

Passive Lightweight Assault Strike Troop Integrated Command (PLASTIC)

New media bloggers from The Firearm Blog and Inspire Me Now have apparently blown the lid off a top secret Army soldier development program. Kept tightly under wraps until now, the Passive Lightweight Assault Strike Troop Integrated Command (PLASTIC) program is designed to equip modern day infantry soldiers with synthetic urban assault combat gear.

Designed to be impervious to most current weapons systems, the system intends to create nearly indestructible, and disposable, rapid assault teams.

One potential weakness of the system is the threat of really, really bright sunlight focused through a really, really big magnifying glass. Fortunately there is no current and credible intelligence implying development of large magnifying glass technology by any of the Axis of Evil countries.

Designed to help elite tactical troops to blend in to suburban environments as ordinary toy soldiers, the new system still has some kinks to work out. “I spotted these guys right away. They’re like 6 feet tall” said passerby Al Bundy. “All the toy soldiers I have ever had were like 2 inches tall. Not even half the height of my kid Bud.”

C-17 Globemaster Using BAG Deployment System

In related news, the Army is rumored to be testing a new rapid deployment system that takes full advantage of the composite fiber molded plastic technology. Referred to by insiders as BAGS, or Battalion Assault Group System, the new system leverages a close relative of the plastic family – cellophane.

“Given the nature of this system, we can package a couple hundred or so soldiers up in a BAGS delivery system and drop it from a plane just about anywhere” bragged Army General George C. Scott. “It sure makes a mess when it hits the ground, but we’ve got plenty of buck Privates available.”