Napolitano Announces TSA Porta Porn Scan 3000

TSA Porta Porn Scan 3000 Eyeglasses

In a Department of Homeland Security press conference today, Secretary Janet Napolitano announced sweeping new additions to the nations security network. As part of the recent efforts to broaden security measures to venues other than TSA major transportation hubs, the Secretary unveiled the latest in portable body scan technology – the Porta Porn Scan 3000 system.

Jointly developed and manufactured by detection system manufacturing partners Rapiscan Systems and L-3 Security and Detection Systems, the Porta Porn Scan 3000 enables government employees to ogle your junk in nearly any location nationwide. The Porta Porn Scan 3000 is packaged entirely in nearly ordinary looking glasses, thereby eliminating the need for suspects to ‘spread-em’ in large radiation emitting machinery. Offered at the government contract rate of $1 plus $.25 shipping COD, the Porn Scans will be broadly available to most federal employees.

“We’ve got Wal-Mart employees watching you, so the next logical step is to allow your mail carrier, IRS agent, and DMV clerk to check your booty for any suspicious materials” stated Napolitano. “Of course this really really ramps up the effectiveness of our Wal-Mart program as well. Now the greeters will have a fair opportunity to check out people’s junk as they enter the store.”

Some remain skeptical about the potential effectiveness of the Porta Porn Scan 3000 eyeglasses. Pointing to studies indicating a 70% failure rate of existing advanced imaging scan systems, economist John Lott asks “Really, how can technology costing $1.25 delivered be expected to reliably detect any form of threat?”

When pressed to respond to growing criticism, Napolitano offered the following explanation. “We’re quite confident in this technology. We’ve seen and studied the ads quite carefully. Besides, there’s a money back guarantee, so we’re covered either way.”