A Gun Holster Story. Gone Bad.

We hope you enjoy the following preview from our soon-to-be released book, The Insanely Practical Guide To Gun Holsters.

Let me tell you a holster story. Gone bad.

I started carrying a gun on a daily basis about 10 years ago. And when I decide to do something, I obsess. Big time. For example, after season 1 of The Walking Dead, when it became clear that Zombies, along with personal injury attorneys, would one day rule the earth, I got serious about post-apocalypse survival tips. And I proceeded to learn to grow alfalfa in the bathtub, obtain drinking water with used Snuggies and milk the neighbors cat – which can be used to make a fine and aromatic Emmental cheese.

Back to holsters. When I got the shooting bug, I subscribed to every gun magazine known to man. American Handgunner. Guns Magazine. Guns and Ammo. Combat Handguns. Shooting Times. American Rifleman. American Cop. Concealed Carry Magazine. Redbook. Ok, so Redbook was for that great holiday cookie recipe, but all the others were for legitimate “gun learning” purposes. Anyway, I subscribed to hundreds, or maybe it was more like tens, of magazines per month. I bought books. And read them. Even ones with hardly any pictures.

In short, I thought I was learning everything I needed to know about concealed carry methods and proper holster selection. And so far, I had not been mugged, carjacked or teased about my sideburns, so I figured I had achieved concealed carry expertise. My strategy was sound and proven by several days of success on the street.

For a variety of reasons, I settled on a t-shirt carry method as my default. The brand is not important. Let’s just say it was a spandexy model of shirt with holster pockets sewn into the shirt itself.

From my studies of many important books and magazines, I knew that torso carry on a t-shirt was not the ideal way to carry a gun. Access is significantly more difficult than from a belt mounted holster. Although on the plus side, you do get to give yourself a cheap feel during the draw. However, at that time of my life, absolute deep concealment was more important than immediate access. Or so I thought. And shirt holsters offer outstanding concealment. As an added benefit, those stretchy shirts can make you look for more buff than you actually are. In your own mind anyway.

To make a long story short, one day I was volunteering at a charity event and doing a fair bit of manual labor like setting up tents and chairs. As I bent over to grab a tent peg, I had the disturbing sensation that all was not right in the world. But at that instant, I couldn’t quite put my finger on specifically how The Force was out of harmony. At first I thought my spider sense was telling me that Justin Bieber had suddenly hit puberty, forcing a sudden end to his singing and hair mousse modeling career. Fortunately that was not the case.

However, I did hear a small sonic boom resulting from my Glock 32 launching out of my shirt collar. I won’t go into details, but lets just say the black Tenifer finish on a Glock creates an exothermic reaction when combined with sexy spandex, and the resulting forces are capable of launching a small object, like, oh, say a Glock, at the velocity of Pi times 10 to the 4th power. This is just shy of warp factor 3.

Being quick on my feet when it comes to avoiding major embarrassment, I immediately feigned a terrible case of irritable bunion syndrome and fell to the ground – conveniently covering up my now very exposed ground-dwelling pistol. Pointing towards the infirmary tent and yelling for Dr. Scholl’s bunion pads, I was able to draw attention away from myself long enough to re-holster my Glock in my now untrustworthy shirt holster.

Did you catch that? Yes, it is in fact possible for a gun to launch out of an undershirt holster, through your regular shirt collar. At high-speed. Complicated physics aside, the important thing is that it is in fact possible. Prior to the event, this is not a scenario I would have dreamed possible.

Thanks to a genetic disposition to sudden bunion attacks and a little sleight of hand, I was able to avoid detection. This was somewhat of a miracle, as people tend to notice things like flying Glocks launching from beneath one’s chin folds.

The morals of the story?

1. Do do lots of homework before settling on your personal carry strategy.

2. Keep reading. Even books without pictures.

3. When you choose a holster, think about practical matters. Like bending over.

4. Always be prepared with a ready-to-go medical emergency in the event you need to create a quick diversion. I’ve already claimed spontaneous irritable bunion syndrome attacks, so you have to find your own.