Caution! Don't Mess with the TSA!

Caution! Don't Mess with the TSA!

As part of our community service sentence resulting from incessant teasing and general display of ill will towards the TSA (here, here, here, and here) and a recent airport altercation, we’re promoting a free quick reference guide to common terminology used by anti-gun rights organizations.

OK fine. If you really must know, on a recent trip to Audubon, Iowa to see Albert the Bull (The World’s Largest Concrete Bull and considered by many to represent the perfect Hereford), we were directed into the ‘get cancer while people take nude photos of you‘ scanner. Being good patriots, we resisted this invasion on our privacy and cellular reproductive capacity and were subjected to a manual ding-a-ling massage therapy session. Once cleared, and after a quick smoke, our TSA agent requested ‘a little something extra‘ for his services. We were insulted as we’ve never paid for it in our lives and we weren’t about to start now. One thing led to another, hurtful things were said, and here we are, writing public service announcements as penance.

Enough about the mile-high club at sea level – let’s get to the important and informative educational content. Organizations such as The Brady Campaign, The Violence Policy Center, and the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence, use a lot of fancy words and sound bites to convince folks that their fairy sheep-toast ideas will create a hope and change filled society of love, harmony, free kiwi fruit and tambourine festivals. Here’s a list of the more common words and phrases along with handy real-english definitions to help you understand what’s good for you.

Anti-Gun Terminology Quick Reference Guide
Common Sense Gun Laws Total disarmament followed by spaying or neutering as appropriate. More information on common sense gun laws here.
Law Abiding Citizens Satan and his minions. If you’re reading this, you’re a minion. Start acting the part will you?
The Police chief is opposed to this pro-gun legislation It’s re-election time and he or she has not managed to reduce crime on their watch. A new scapegoat is desperately needed and the next Blame Someone Else Day is not until January 13, 2012.
Assault weapons All guns, regardless of form factor or function. Air guns, toy guns, and squirt guns are not necessarily excluded from this classification.
Assault Weapon Ban Complete disarmament followed by an encore happy-fun neutering festival. See Common sense gun laws above.
Handgun Glock
Second Amendment That pesky 200 year old slice of tree bark that prevents formation of a progressive dictatorship that will be good for us. Really, it will.
Gun Crime / Gun Violence If you’re going to get mugged, assaulted, raped, or murdered, make sure that your attacker is using a gun. If they assault, rape, or kill you with some other implement than a gun, it doesn’t count and your status as a victim is greatly diminished. You will definitely not be invited to Victim Recovery Programs and other fun and exciting social events.
Gun Lobby Usually refers to the main entrance of Cabelas and other large outdoor retailers. According to many of our pusillanimous politicians, gun lobbies are evil. Better use the back door next time you visit a gun store.
National Rifle Association The ultimate manifestation of guilt by ‘association.’
Campus Concealed Weapons / Guns on Campus A legislative movement that will force underage college students to wantonly fire assault weapons at cute baby squirrels while performing keg stands.
Gun Show Loophole A mystical portal located in the netherlands of Narnia.
Victim Any person who sees a pistol, rifle, or squirt gun in the hands of anyone other than a duly authorized United Nations World Peace Officer.

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