The Rodent Chronicles, Part 6: Is waterboarding moral?

Waterboarding in action

OK blogosphere, I need some help. I like to think I have a pretty solid moral compass. For example, I am pretty sure that it’s OK to shoot things if they are either inanimate, potential food, or just plain bad. I learned that moral guidepost from the movie “True Lies” where, upon just learning her husband of 15 years is a spy, Jamie Lee Curtis asks him “Have you ever killed anyone?” In true Ahhh-nold fashion, Harry Tasker answers “Yes, but they were all bad.”

So here’s the issue. If you’ve been following “The Rodent Chronicles” you know of my ongoing battles against a rat that only has 85% of my I.Q. Even with that going against him, he has managed to outwit me thus far. He’s managed to make himself comfortable in a hole in my garage ceiling, kind of like Rosie O’Donnell at “All you can eat ribs” night at Sonny’s BBQ.

And therein lies the problem. Before I can seal the hole, I have to know if he’s alone. Or is there a rodent sleeper cell operating in my garage ceiling? Before I act, and possibly trap the entire cell in my ceiling, causing a stink of epic proportions, I have to know if he has co-conspirators.

After catching him alive, I looked up the United Nations and Geneva Convention guidelines on prisoner interrogation and followed them to the letter. Being a superior nation – I live upstairs in the actual house after all – I felt compelled to take the high road and adhere to the rules of civilized warfare, even though my opponent wasn’t. After repeated uses of the word “pretty please” and enticements of free Animal Crackers, I had made no progress whatever. This character was tough, and he wasn’t talking.

It was time to consider desperate measures. The balance of power in my garage was at stake. If I did not uncover critical intel about other rodent cells operating in the area soon, the opportunity for victory might be lost forever.

So the question remains – do I resort to waterboarding?

Photo: Llano Estacado