Napolitano Announces TSA Porta Porn Scan 3000

TSA Porta Porn Scan 3000 Eyeglasses

TSA Porta Porn Scan 3000 Eyeglasses

In a Department of Homeland Security press conference today, Secretary Janet Napolitano announced sweeping new additions to the nations security network. As part of the recent efforts to broaden security measures to venues other than TSA major transportation hubs, the Secretary unveiled the latest in portable body scan technology – the Porta Porn Scan 3000 system.

Jointly developed and manufactured by detection system manufacturing partners Rapiscan Systems and L-3 Security and Detection Systems, the Porta Porn Scan 3000 enables government employees to ogle your junk in nearly any location nationwide. The Porta Porn Scan 3000 is packaged entirely in nearly ordinary looking glasses, thereby eliminating the need for suspects to ‘spread-em’ in large radiation emitting machinery. Offered at the government contract rate of $1 plus $.25 shipping COD, the Porn Scans will be broadly available to most federal employees.

“We’ve got Wal-Mart employees watching you, so the next logical step is to allow your mail carrier, IRS agent, and DMV clerk to check your booty for any suspicious materials” stated Napolitano. “Of course this really really ramps up the effectiveness of our Wal-Mart program as well. Now the greeters will have a fair opportunity to check out people’s junk as they enter the store.”

Some remain skeptical about the potential effectiveness of the Porta Porn Scan 3000 eyeglasses. Pointing to studies indicating a 70% failure rate of existing advanced imaging scan systems, economist John Lott asks “Really, how can technology costing $1.25 delivered be expected to reliably detect any form of threat?”

When pressed to respond to growing criticism, Napolitano offered the following explanation. “We’re quite confident in this technology. We’ve seen and studied the ads quite carefully. Besides, there’s a money back guarantee, so we’re covered either way.”

BATFE and TSA Request Emergency Authority To Install Body Scanners

TSA Full Body Scanning

TSA Full Body Scanning (Photo: thebredafallacy.com and thedrudgereport.com)

In a rare display of cross agency cooperation, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives – BATFE -  announced a sweeping partnership with the Transportation Security Administration – TSA – designed to end violence along the Mexican border.

In a joint statement, the BATFE and TSA agencies requested emergency authority to install body scanners at firearms dealers located within 250 miles of the border. The intent of the new program is to eliminate the largest supply line of illegal weapons flow to Mexican drug cartels – undie assault weapon smuggling. The dragnet is expected to include nearly 8,500 firearms dealers.

tsa_underwear_scan_assault_rifle

Assault Rifle Hidden in Fruit of the Loom Thong

“We know that drug cartels are specially modifying BVD’s, Fruit of the Loom Men’s High Fashion Bikini Briefs, and other unknown undergarments to hold automatic weapons purchased from unethical firearms dealers” commented Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. “We believe this to be the number one source of illicit weapons causing the violence along our border. You’d be amazed at how many M-249 machine guns a good string bikini style can hide. We’ve made great progress already by shutting down the Wal-Mart Snuggie smuggling operation and now its time to turn our attention elsewhere.”

The plan of the new operation is to force prospective gun store customers to undergo a full body scan using TSA new millimeter wave and backscatter advanced imaging machines. “The idea is to catch people on the way in who may be wearing suspicious thong underwear” explained TSA spokesperson and former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf. “Of course we’re also looking to spot any really hot Mexican Senoritas who may happen to come in the stores. You never know when we might get lucky.”

Teens with assault rifles!

Teen acquires M-16, has fun.

More Zombie Apocalypse Preparation Tips

Don’t Let Zombies Ruin Your Holidays

Army Field Tests Synthetic Soldiers

Army soldier gear of the future plastic

Passive Lightweight Assault Strike Troop Integrated Command (PLASTIC)

New media bloggers from The Firearm Blog and Inspire Me Now have apparently blown the lid off a top secret Army soldier development program. Kept tightly under wraps until now, the Passive Lightweight Assault Strike Troop Integrated Command (PLASTIC) program is designed to equip modern day infantry soldiers with synthetic urban assault combat gear.

Designed to be impervious to most current weapons systems, the system intends to create nearly indestructible, and disposable, rapid assault teams.

One potential weakness of the system is the threat of really, really bright sunlight focused through a really, really big magnifying glass. Fortunately there is no current and credible intelligence implying development of large magnifying glass technology by any of the Axis of Evil countries.

Designed to help elite tactical troops to blend in to suburban environments as ordinary toy soldiers, the new system still has some kinks to work out. “I spotted these guys right away. They’re like 6 feet tall” said passerby Al Bundy. “All the toy soldiers I have ever had were like 2 inches tall. Not even half the height of my kid Bud.”

C-17 Globemaster Transport Deploying PLASTIC Soldiers

C-17 Globemaster Using BAG Deployment System

In related news, the Army is rumored to be testing a new rapid deployment system that takes full advantage of the composite fiber molded plastic technology. Referred to by insiders as BAGS, or Battalion Assault Group System, the new system leverages a close relative of the plastic family – cellophane.

“Given the nature of this system, we can package a couple hundred or so soldiers up in a BAGS delivery system and drop it from a plane just about anywhere” bragged Army General George C. Scott. “It sure makes a mess when it hits the ground, but we’ve got plenty of buck Privates available.”

Soldier jailed for stealing Israeli army chief’s gun | Reuters

On how many levels was this a really stupid idea?

Soldier jailed for stealing Israeli army chief’s gun | Reuters

Embalmed Head of France’s King Henri IV Found

Embalmed head of France’s King Henri IV found: “LONDON (Reuters) – A team of scientists say they have positively identified an embalmed head, presumed lost in the chaos of the French Revolution, as that of King Henri IV of France who was assassinated in 1610.

(Via Reuters: Oddly Enough.)

Billy The Kid Pardon?

New Mexico governor to weigh Billy the Kid pardon | Reuters.

Moral Dilemma – To Shoot Zombie Santa Or Not…

On the plus side, he’s a zombie, and will be eating human flesh soon if not already.

On the other hand, if I don’t shoot him, maybe he will fill my stocking with rotting flesh.

Decisions, decisions.

Zombie Santa Target

Zombie Santa

North American Arms Introduces Nano Pinky Revolver

North American Arms Nano Pinky Revolver

North American Arms Nano Pinky Revolver

Provo, UT – In a move designed to preempt the onslaught of SHOT show announcements planned for the industry’s main event in January, North American Arms today announced its new Nano Pinky Revolver. Described by early customers as ‘teensy-weensy’ the new revolver is gaining accolades for its diminutive size.

Designed for maximum concealment, the Nano Pinky Revolver measures just 1.12 inches in length and weighs just 1.3 ounces.

Due to a lack of suitable holsters on the market, the company has decided to manufacture its own line. “We’re offering a few models” stated Mini Me, Nano Product Line Spokesperson for North American Arms. “The first ones available will be a matched set of earring holsters. We think its especially cool that you can carry your primary gun on the right ear and your back up gun on the left. And if you get them mixed up, it just doesn’t matter.”

North American Arms Spokesperson Mini Me

North American Arms Spokesperson Mini Me

While the company will sell the earring holsters separately, there are special price breaks for the pair. The best deals are expected to be featured on Shoshanna’s Fashion Jewelry Essentials on QVC. Next on the market will be matched cufflink holsters for the man about town who wishes to pack a little heat. “Of course this will only benefit guys who habitually wear French Cuffs” said Mini Me.

Not all are impressed by the size of the new revolver. “Forget trying to pistol whip someone with this gun” complained Harry Callahan, well known San Francisco Detective. “Punks are just not all that intimidated when I threaten them with this thing. My .44 Magnum worked much better for cracking some deadbeats skull.”

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