Having acquired concealed carry permits from two different states over the past so many years, and forgetting to renew a license in one of them, we’ve been subjected to three different state-mandated concealed carry classes. Actually, ‘sentenced’ is probably a more accurate descriptor than ‘subjected.’

State mandated classes are always high-quality because legislators have arbitrarily selected a number of hours that students must sit attentively in the classroom. Well at least sit. While continuing to breathe of course. Students in states like South Carolina, where certified politicians have determined that eight hours of classroom study is appropriate, get extra training benefits. Because with eight hours to kill, certified instructors get to come up with all sorts of interesting and informative things to talk about.

We’ve taken these classes at three different gun ranges, with three different instructors, over a period of 10 years. Fortunately, one of the classes, not coincidentally the shortest one, was somewhat professional and more educational than a slow motion play-by-play of the Jersey Shore’s last night of the summer at the Karma nightclub.

As for the other two? We would have learned a lot more by smearing the sticky sludge in the bottom of Snookie’s tenth Kamikaze glass all over our heads while hoping to learn by osmosis.

So we thought it prudent to offer some valuable advice to some of the more teaching-challenged concealed carry class instructors out there.

Here are our top five suggestions – all based on honest-to-God experiences in our classes:

1. Be sure to cover your classroom walls with posters of scantily clad women.

After all, nothing attracts more women and families to the shooting sports than lots of photos of half-naked women.

2. Brag about how you can beat anyone in the class in a gunfight.

The respect and admiration that your class has for you almost always increases when you tell them you could beat any of them in a gunfight, because you’ve been there before. You wouldn’t panic as the bullets flew your way and you would carefully aim and take them out. Because you’re a professional instructor. And fearless.

3. Tell about that wild and crazy time when you almost committed murder.

Give a detailed account of that time you came home from work and found your ex-wife in bed with your best friend. And how you got a gun and went to murder them. But be sure to close the story with an explanation of how you came to your senses at the very last minute. You wouldn’t want students in the class to get the wrong impression of right and wrong ways to use a gun in their day to day lives. Your students will learn much from your sense of judgment and restraint.

4. Share amusing anecdotes about your shooting skills.

Try telling the class about that time when you were a bit younger, and a lot drunker, when you had one of your friends shoot an apple off your head with a .22 rifle. Nothing sets a good example for new gun owners like real-life exhibition shooting case studies. How else are your students going to get good ideas of things to try with their new guns?

5. Offer to do toe-prints of the female students.

A great way to build rapport with new lady shooters during the fingerprint process is to give your very best partially toothless smile and offer to do a set of toe-prints for free. Because you have a foot fetish. This always makes the ladies feel right at home. Your referral business is sure to grow as they’ll be more than happy to tell their friends.

This has been a public service announcement to the Fudd Firearms Trainers of America. You don’t know who you are.