Benchmade DamaSteel Tactical Stapler
Frankfurt, Germany – The My Gun Culture investigative team has recently returned from the PaperWorld Expo, where our reporters learned of a new strategic direction for knife maker Benchmade. Building on the market success of the company’s Specialty Tactical Pen series, Benchmade intends to aggressively expand into the broader tactical office supplies market.
“The problem with most office supplies is that they are ridiculously uncool” observed Benchmade CEO Ben Cartwright. “I mean, really, think about your average stapler. It’s almost always black and has no style or tactical value whatsoever. And we’ve yet to see one equipped with laser sights. And when it comes to trying to fight with most office supplies, forget about it.”
Cartwright went on to reveal the first two products in Benchmade’s new lineup – the DamaSteel Tactical Stapler and the OC Combo Tape/Pepper Non-Lethal Dispenser. The DamaSteel Tactical Stapler features a 3×9 variable scope for both short and longer range office conflicts and and high-penetration dual-core titanium staples. The Non-lethal tape/pepper dispenser aims to be the first to market with a 15 foot effective radius.
Designed to appeal to the disgruntled cubicle worker market, Benchmade’s new lineup will be sold in vending machines of large office complexes. “We’re also looking at partnerships with other companies firmly entrenched in existing office complexes. Red Bull and UPS for example” explained company Marketing Vice President Don Draper. “Don’t tell anyone about this, but we have a product placement deal in the works with Dilbert.”
Cartwright continued “We’re always looking at innovation. Some things on our drawing board include a semi-automatic three-hole punch and a concealable protractor. As we always say, make it cool, make it solid, make it happen and definitely make it Benchmade.”
I like the Benchmade staplers but they don’t come in red. They switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler and my old job at Innotech, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if told them that if hey take my stapler then I’d set the building on fire.
It’s astonishing the amount of new information I get here.