There’s a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, and downright lies about assault weapons, so in true My Gun Culture fashion I hope to clarify this once and for all.

Assault Weapons are sneaky little morphing bastards. They have a unique ability to change their DNA day to day, hour to hour, and news broadcast to news broadcast. Just ask Dan Rather. Usually the cause of the metamorphosis can be traced back to political agenda, but sometimes T.V. personalities can cause shape shifting simply by their spoken word and some creative video editing.

Assault Weapon Bricks

Ancient Assault Bricks

Evidence of the first assault weapon was found at the Tamerza and Midés excavation site in Tunisia. Ancient writings offer evidence that an elitist Cro-Magnon Herald staff reporter filed reports accusing citizen Grog of possession of a rapid fire assault weapon, later to become known as a brick. Evidence suggests that Grog was known to carry two, and sometimes three bricks at a time – which many deemed excessive for sporting purposes.

During the middle ages, assault weapons became more sophisticated. Henry VIII was known to have, and frequently use, an assault divorce attorney.

Marie Antoinette Assault Cake

Marie Antoinette's Assault Cake

Across the English Channel, Marie Antoinette was assaulted as a result of her secret possession of several pieces of assault cake.

Assault weapons continue to be heavily regulated. In most states, Rosie O’Donnell is classified as an assault weapon. Ownership generally requires the buyer to provide proof that they are legally deaf. This is a safety precaution that prevents Assault Rosie owners from going postal as a side effect of continuous exposure to re-runs of The View.

Many United States Marine Corps recruits view their drill instructors as assault weapons until, through the miracle of osmosis, they become assault weapons themselves. Many point to this phenomenon as proof of the redeeming societal value of assault weapons.

rosie odonnell exit to eden assault weapon

Typical Assault Weapon

The primary differentiator between assault weapons and regular ole’ weapons is that assault weapons are automatic, meaning they are known to automatically commit crimes, scare politicians from California, New York, and Massachusetts, and start third world wars.

As assault weapons have spread throughout the world, they have evolved according to local environments. In the United States, most assault weapons are actually guns, with the exception of Assault Rosie of course. In the United Kingdom, assault weapons have taken the form of bread knives and cricket bats. Similarly, in France, most assault weapons are recognizable as three day old baguettes with a wheel of dried up brie, while Australia has battled proliferation of assault knives, assault swords, and most recently assault laser pointers.

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