No Theft Allowed

Are you stressed out about skyrocketing bank fees?

Do you feel intimidated walking into big brick and stone buildings anytime you need access to your money?

Do security guards scare you?

Never fear, we have a plan that will alleviate all of these concerns while still offering excellent protection for your hard-earned money.

What’s this miracle plan? We’re going to knock down all those expensive bank buildings on every corner. We can make a fortune by selling the bricks and stones to Donald Trump so he can start construction on his “I ran for President Library.” Obviously, we’ll need to keep the concrete foundations as we don’t want out stacks of money getting soiled from sitting right in the mud. We’re even going to put up tarps in case it rains so your money will stay relatively dry. Yeah, we know, money is OK to get wet, but it’s weird paying for your Starbucks Latte with soggy bills, and we recognize that.

What about security? That’s easy. We’re going to put up “NO THEFT ALLOWED” signs, so people know not to walk up to the pile of money and help themselves. That way, all of our savings will be well protected.

See, isn’t that simple? No more intimidating guards. No more vaults. No more risk of armed robberies. And it will be so much less expensive for all of us. It’s clearly a win-win-win scenario.

We know this may sound a bit unorthodox, but you’re just going to have to trust us on this idea.

After all, it’s exactly how we protect our children.


This message has been brought to you by:

The People of the Great State of Denial
Corner of Ignorance and Bliss
Washington, DC

Remember folks, Self-Defense Prohibited Zones kill.