Editors Note: In response to the vicious and unprovoked attack on our manliness and intellect by The Women’s Outdoor News, we would like to offer the following public response.

OK. We know we came to this battle of wits unarmed. But we’re dudes. Is that really a surprise? True to our egotistical and foolhardy nature, we’re going to attempt to get out of this hole by continuing to dig. Works every time, right up to the point where we have to start apologizing.

We have to admit that your Fathers Day gift suggestion –  the Briggs and Stratton AMPLIFI system – is a pretty nifty idea. Especially considering that a bunch of chicks came up with it. Before we encourage all our readers to enter to win a free one by leaving comments at your site, we’ve got a few questions:

  • Is it certified for washing children under the age of 3? Preferably fully clothed?
  • Is there a backpack mounted version? This would make a killer ‘flamethrower’ for paintball.
  • Can you fill it with beer?

Since Women’s Outdoor News and Briggs and Stratton are displaying some Fathers Day generosity, we’ll respond in kind. And we’re not copying your idea because we can’t come up with our own. Really.

But first another lesson about the vacuous simplicity of the male thought process. When we hear the word ‘cleaning’ our brain processes this auditory signal as ‘guns.’ Simple as that. What else could possibly need cleaning? Of course it’s nothing more than common sense that cleaning equates to guns, but if you really need the proof, it’s easily verifiable mathematically.

Gun cleaning pioneer, physicist, and OTIS Technology founder Ben Cartwright discovered the relationship between ‘cleaning’ and ‘guns’ back in 1985. While developing a mathematical model to explain the causation relationship between Lazy-Boy Recliners and beer, he stumbled across the following:


As you can clearly see, when you simplify the equation, carry the one, and round up…


And nothing cleans guns like the OTIS Elite Cleaning System. It’s simple, easy to operate, and includes everything you need in one box. Like beer.

The OTIS Elite System includes everything you need to clean guns ranging from .17 caliber through 10 gauge shotguns. And more.

  • Over 40 firearm-specific cleaning components in a nylon case
  • Six (6) Memory-Flex® Cables of varying length for effective and correct Breech-to-Muzzle® cleaning
  • Twenty-three (23) bronze bore brushes remove copper deposits and other fouling
  • Obstruction removal tools for jammed cases and other blockages
  • Specialized precision tools for complete breakdown and fine cleaning of all critical and hard to reach areas of your firearm
  • Optics cleaning gear for care and maintenance of scopes, rangefinders and more
  • Removable Tactical Cleaning System for convenient carrying in the field

We’ve owned the OTIS Elite System for years and love it.

So we’re going to give one away here.

All you have to do to win this system is leave a comment here, or on our “Open Letter to the Women’s Outdoor News” story with ideas for Fathers Day. We’ll use Random.org technology to select a lucky winner.

Oh, and don’t forget that our lady friends at Women’s Outdoor News are giving away a Briggs and Stratton AMPLIFI system!