Gunnies, gun nuts, gun freaks, and other others must take marital fidelity seriously.
We know this because gun people love bacon. Mmmmm. Bacon. Back to the story.
So what is it that defines the strong correlation between love of bacon and love of spouse? We don’t know. What we DO know is that this bond has been recognized since at least the 15th century, and maybe earlier, perhaps as early as the year 1104.
Enter the flitch. While it sounds like a Quiddich accessory from Harry Potter, a flitch is more or less equivalent to a side of bacon. Again, mmmmm.
As the story goes, monks of years past offered bacon bribes to married couples who could prove to a jury of bachelors and bachelorettes that they had remained committed to their marriage – pure of thought and deed – for the preceding year.
As part of their testimony to the jury of cold shower professionals, couples would recite the following oath:
We do swear by custom of confession
That we ne’re made nuptial transgression
Nor since we were married man and wife
By household brawl or contentious strife,
Or otherwise at bed or board,
Offended each other in deed or word;
Or since the parish clerk said amen,
Wished ourselves unmarried again;
Or in a twelvemonth and a day
Repented in thought in any way,
But continue true and in desire
As when we joined in holy quire.
The presiding monk would reply as follows:
Since to these conditions,
without any fear,
Of your own accord you do freely swear,
A whole flitch of bacon you shall receive,
And bear it hence with love and good leave;
For this is our custom at Dunmow well known
Though the pleasure be ours,
the bacon’s your own.
The moral of the story? As long as you are sincere about makin’ bacon with your own, you’ll continue to bring it home too.
I’m owed a flitch of bacon..who should I see about this?
No problem. Just send in an application to the Bacon Issuance Administration (BIA) It’s part of the TSA so of course they will need to verify your claim with a screening grope or two, but you’ll be fine. It’s routine. And for your own good. And don’t worry, since the groping is government authorized, it will not count against your 2012 Flitch scoring.