Apparently the last wizards-are-for-kids movie, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, is coming out this Friday. Seems like a great time to reminisce about the first six and a half movies and their rich history of gun use. Here’s the lightning round of plot summaries to catch you up:
Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone: Young Harry finds out that his parents were killed by some evil wizard without a nose – mainly because they weren’t carrying guns at the time. You would be irritable too if you didn’t have a nose. Harry survived the attack, most likely because he was in a school zone, and guns aren’t allowed there. Harry learns magic and kills Quirinus Quirrell, an evil professor at his school. Technically speaking, he did not use a gun. However, the pile of ashes left behind hints at possible flamethrower use.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Harry meets some elf that’s more annoying than a joint Rep. Anthony Weiner and Rep. Alan Grayson family reunion. Some old book turns into a dead guy who has a huge pet snake in the basement. While he could have easily used a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan revolver in .454 Casull, Harry kills the really big snake with a sword. Mucho macho.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: There’s a lot of dementia at Hogwarts with all those Dementor ghosts flying around french kissing folks. Harry learns how to scare them away by farting out a vaporous make-believe stag. He and his friends go back in time to prevent a big rat pigeon from becoming a holiday meal. Some guy who turns into a rat gets sent to the Dementors because Harry won’t let the werewolf and his escaped con godfather shoot him with a mouse gun.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: We originally thought this one was about the Gobs of Gunfire, but were mistaken. It’s just a goblet of fire. Death Eaters are everywhere although we’re not exactly sure how they eat death. The school has a big sporting contest where they try to kill the participating students in grisly ways. The irritable wizard without a nose shoots and kills Cedric, a student, with some unknown kind of gun that looks like a magic wand. A Beretta Neos perhaps? Or maybe it was a Ljutic Space Gun.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: The mainstream media, in this case The Daily Prophet, continues to be a pain in the @ss by picking on Harry. A new professor from the Ministry of Magic shows up. She’s really mean spirited. None of the students are Hot for Teacher. In protest, the Weasley twins launch an artillery barrage inside the school. How this happens is unclear as most schools are an artillery-free zone. A scary looking witch that looks like Rosie O’Donnell kills Harry’s godfather with the mysterious gun that resembles a magic wand.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Building in their previous experience, the Weasley twins open a Magic Artillery and Novelties shop in Diagon Alley. Apparently their FFL has been delayed. The ill-tempered wizard without a nose divides his own soul among seven horcruxes, thereby making himself a Ginger. Draco Malfoy attempts to kill Dumbledore but fails as guns aren’t allowed in schools. Professor Snape does kill Dumbledore as criminals don’t pay attention to gun free zones like schools.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1: Harry, Ron, and Hermione play hooky from school and go on vacation to find some horcruxes. Ron thinks Harry is making the moves on Hermione and runs away instead of capping Harry’s @ss with a wand-gun. Harry jumps in a frozen pond to get a sword and cool down his Hermione-inspired turbocharged hormones. Harry and Draco have a duel. They must have used AirSoft wand-guns as Draco doesn’t die. That disturbing and annoying elf is killed however – apparently by a Ljutic Space Wand Gun. Or something. The irritable noseless wizard grave-robs Dumbledore’s Ljutic Space Wand Gun.
Moral of the story? Guns don’t kill people. Wands kill people.