Mayor Bloomberg, New York City

Mayor Bloomberg (Photo

In a surprise announcement today, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced a radical shift in New York’s concealed carry weapon permit policy. Previously, concealed carry weapons (CCW) permits were strictly controlled and granted only to those individuals able to demonstrate ‘proper cause’ for a handgun permit. Examples of proper cause include ‘A’ list celebrity status (D-listers need not apply), proof of greater than normal risk of personal harm, last name of ‘Trump’, and Platinum level campaign donors.

Current CCW permit holders include singer and J-Lo beau Marc Anthony, lucky sperm club member Donald Trump, Jr., actor Robert DeNiro, and professional heckler Howard Stern. In addition to national treasures and celebrities du jour, permits have been granted to individuals who have proven themselves to be at greater than normal risk of physical harm. For example, daughter of garden party mogul Martha Stewart, Alexis Stewart, was recently granted a CCW permit when she claimed that she was regularly transporting large and valuable shipments of liver pate.

Under new screening guidelines, New York will consider offering CCW permits to the following groups of citizens under certain circumstances:

  • You agree to give up trans-fats in your diet for a period not less than one year
  • You are a current or retire NYC Politburo member
  • You are a “respectable” Reality TV star such as finalists from What Not to Wear, Top Chef, and Top Model. Current cast members of Jersey Shore will be excluded “for obvious reasons” according to Bloomberg.
  • You are Congressman Barney Frank
  • You are Yankees star Derek Jeter, provided you maintain a .320 hitting average
  • You’re a current cast member of ‘Saturday Night Live’ provided you continue to ‘toe the line.’

When questioned about the fairness of the new policies, Mayor Bloomberg replied “Shut up dammit. I bought the last election and I can buy the next one. It’s good to be king!”