Last time, I relayed the first part of the Chicken Little Diaries: A Shooting Range Zoning Saga. It was about a neighborhood and town council reaction to the proposed opening of an indoor shooting range. This week, the saga continues…
Every neighborhood has one of “those guys”, right?
Ours is a very left-leaning political activist. He’s so far left-leaning that he regularly tips over while walking in counter-clockwise circles. He’s so active that we frequently see large numbers of alfalfa-powered adult trikes parked in front of his house.
At first, I assumed these were gatherings of the Sedona, Arizona fan club. You know, when they plan the annual communal building of a happy-thought-powered rainbow bridge connecting the local Whole Foods wheat grass juice bar and Brown University. Later I found out he’s really Mini-Me-Obama, in charge of the local political regime. You would think these political gatherings are harmless, but I nearly wrecked my bike the other day, almost rear ending a departing Prius with a low battery charge.
Anyway, one day after circumventing what I believe to be the local Venezuelan consulate here in our neighborhood, I exited my car, in my driveway, only to be approached by the aforementioned guy.
I knew he wanted to talk about some activist thing, and I was feeling particularly spunky, so I decided to engage. I’ve been assured by my esteemed Editorship over at Bearing Arms that any bail and/or legal fees directly related to my work are fully covered. It’s mentioned right after the clause guaranteeing that I can sign up for Obamacare on my own nickel. It’s all right there in my Bearing Arms contract. Umm, I do have a contract, right?
In the interest of education, and to see if I can actually make any readers physically nauseous just from reading, I’m recreating the ensuing conversation here to the best of my recollection. I was speaking with my neighbor the whole time, but given all the sound bites he as throwing my way, sometimes I wasn’t quite sure who I was talking to…
My Tilting Neighbor: I’m glad I caught you. Do you have a minute to talk?
Me: Oh, really? [I already knew why he was there, but couldn’t resist engaging in the discussion from scratch. I’m sorry. But not really.] Do you want to borrow alfalfa sprouts? Or a cup of wheat grass juice? No disrespect, but as I keep trying to tell you, I don’t have any hippie food. I eat bacon, wrapped in bacon. Usually with a side order of bacon.
Hugo Chavez: No, not that. Some other neighbors are signing a petition, and I wanted to see if you would sign it too.
Me: Oh? A petition to tear down the golf driving range and replace it with a clay target course? Great! Where do I sign?
Wolf Blitzer: Well, no. They want to build a shooting range in the old Food Lion store.
Me: That’s even better! I’d love to have one there! That old Food Lion never had ammo in stock anyway. Where do I sign?
Ted Kennedy’s Suit: Well actually some people are concerned about it.
Me: What, that it won’t be big enough? That’s okay, I’m sure we’ll find a way to manage. We can share and all that.
Susan Sarandon: Well actually, we’re concerned about the kind of people that type of business could attract.
Me: Oh. You mean people like me, my wife, my son, and my daughter?
Rachel Maddow: Well… We’re also concerned about children. There’s a dance school and a karate studio in the same strip mall. Children will be walking all around there. And people will have guns going back and forth to the shooting range.
Me: Whew, that’s a relief. I’ve been worried about all those kids walking around unprotected forever. Glad to see they’ll be safer now.
Timothy O’Leary: Umm, but we don’t want all those guns near all those children!
Me: You do realize that we live in South Carolina and 119% of the homes in our neighborhood already have guns, right?
Cher: (Blank look)
Me: So if one of the homes in our neighborhood has children in it and that home doesn’t have guns, that means the houses to the left right and behind all have multiple guns. And their guns have guns. I’m just sayin’.
Sean Penn: But what about the crime? Having a gun range so close by will be a crime risk!
Me: More than the Food Lion? The one that had an armed robbery just before it was closed by the health department? [Uncontrollable laughter] I guarantee you that parking lot will be the safest one within 20 miles of here.
Bill Maher: I hope you’re right…
Me: When was the last time you heard about an armed robbery in a gun store?
Cindy Sheehan: [Crickets…] Well, I ‘m guessing you won’t be signing the petition then?
Me: I’m guessing you don’t want to go to the range with me later?
UPDATE: The Town Council vetoed the indoor range as it required a zoning variance. But we get the last laugh. The space is already zoned appropriately for a retail gun store (without a range) and construction begins soon with a grand opening 90 days later.
Wait for the shrieks of panic. Wait for it…
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