UK Gun Ban Creates More ‘Interesting’ Graphs

UK Homicide Rates post Gun Ban England Wales

England and Wales Homicide Rates Pre and Post Gun Ban Source:

Recent studies by noted economist John Lott have uncovered a surprising and unexpected outcome of some countries’ efforts to curb crime with strict gun ban measures.

“Initially when we implemented gun ban measures, we hoped for an arse about face change in murder and other violent crimes” observed Ed Balls, Shadow Home Secretary. While we really didn’t see that outcome, which kind of brassed me off, what we did find was far more brilliant. Really.”

Ireland Murder Rates Pre and Post Gun Ban

Ireland Murder Rates Pre and Post Gun Ban Source:

Government officials recently unveiled new crime figures to the public, allowing analysis of murder rate trends in England, Wales, and Ireland since respective gun bans were implemented. To the surprise and dismay of many government staffers, the post gun ban crime figures appeared to show dramatic increases in murder and other violent crimes including assault, armed robbery, and rape.

“Blimey. The crime increases are a load of codswallop” complained Balls. “But look at the bright side – we’ve got some really interesting graphs now. Before we enacted the bans, our year to year graphs and charts were really quite boring. Flat year after year. When you’re trying to impress the Queen the last thing you want is flat line graphs. She’ll think you’re barmy if you don’t show up with impressive PowerPoint slides once in a while.”

Alistair Birtwistle, a rising star in the House of Commons agrees. “Being a government official, I don’t really know much about posting results, but from the Federal Express commercials I see on the telly, it appears one should really show graphs that are climbing upward, and our legislation posted very good results on that front. We’ve got spikes, climbs, trends, growth, and Bob’s your uncle.”

UK Bans Images of “Scary Things”

Following on the heels a recent ban of images showing guns, the British Advertising Standards Authority has elected to extend the ban to all things deemed “potentially scary.”

rosie odonnell exit to eden assault weapon

'Scary Thing' Example

Nigel Giles, spokesperson for the authority offered this explanation. “Gawdon Bennet! We got complaints abaaaht a new advert. OK? Awright geeezzaa! abaaaht what movieWan’ed‘ starrin’ actress Angelina Jolie. Sorted mate. There are scenes ov Jolie firin’ pistols an’ shotguns in a somewhat butters (sexy) fashion. Lor’ luv a duck! scared me ter dearf . Know what I mean?”

After Mr. Giles was sedated, senior ASA spokesperson Harbottle Sainsbury clarified the authorities position. “Movie images and pictures of sexy people shooting guns tends to scare the bejeepers out of us Brits. Plus, Ms. Jolie has really big lips. That’s kind of scary too. We decided to get in front of this problem and start outlawing other things that can be perceived as scary. Before they actually scare people that is. Care for some tea?”

Scary Burger King Guy

Scary Burger King Guy

While details of what things are considered “scary” are still being worked out, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown offered some examples of what types of images could fall under the ban:

  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Spiders
  • United States Congress Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
  • The movie “Jaws”
  • British Comedian Russell Brand
  • That big snaky monster baselisk thing that was in Harry Potter
  • Actor Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) appearing nude in the play Equus
  • That creepy plastic Burger King guy

Citizens are encouraged to submit suggestions of other scary things that should be considered in the pending ban legislation.

Obama Offers Historic Pistol to British Prime Minister Brown

In a White House ceremony today, President Obama offered a historic gift to visiting British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The rare pistol, known as a “We don’t like you anymore” Special , was the first of it’s kind ever presented to a visiting dignitary.

Brown graciously accepted the gift, even going so far as to insist that the President try it first. “As this very unique revolver has never been fired before, the citizens of Great Britain would be most honored if you were to shoot it first.” Brown told President Obama. “If you were to fire this weapon, as a symbol of the hope and change that you bring to us all, you would be doing the world a tremendous service.”

In a related announcement, Obama announced a new and improved Axis of Evil, recently upgraded from former President George W. Bush’s Axis of Evil. Obama’s new list adds Great Britain to original members Iran, North Korea, and Lichtenstein.

More on the story at American Thinker.


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