On the Third Day of Christmas… Three Tactical Pens

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On the third day of Christmas, I hope my true love gives to me…
Three tactical pens…

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Are we planning on taking out a few dozen terrorists with a pen? Nope.

Fighting off a pack of brain-thirsty zombie-ninja’s? Nope.

Vigilante justice in the dank alleys of major metropolitan areas? Nope.

Using them for anything remotely tactical? Nope.

But it sure sounds like a fun way to needle the TSA. Pens are still legal to carry on planes as far as we know. For now.

If you are into tactical office supplies and other unusual impact weapons, here are some that strike our fancy. Weak pun intended.

SureFire Pen IV – Made from aerospace aluminum with a mil-spec black or silver finish. This one is a retractable tip model so there is no cap to lose. And it looks like an actual pen, not some form of futuristic torture device.
Uzi Tactical Defender with DNA Catcher – While the SureFire Pen IV is cool because it looks normal, the Uzi is sure to generate some panicked 911 calls around the office. Not only is the crown of this pen mean and nasty looking in its own right, according to Uzi “the sharpened crown on the end can be used to jab or poke an attacker, which will not only cause extreme pain, but it will also collect the aggressors DNA which can be used for future identification.”
That’s what I want! Some deviant miscreant’s DNA all over my pen…
Bic Cristal – Old school, but effective if you know the right junior high school tricks. A Bic Cristal plus a pin and a little lint or cotton and you’ve got an annoying if not lethal blowgun.

 

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Two shooting gloves

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  And a Smith and Wesson M and P  

Benchmade Expands Into Tactical Office Supplies Market

DamaSteel Tactical Stapler

Benchmade DamaSteel Tactical Stapler

Frankfurt, Germany – The My Gun Culture investigative team has recently returned from the PaperWorld Expo, where our reporters learned of a new strategic direction for knife maker Benchmade. Building on the market success of the company’s Specialty Tactical Pen series, Benchmade intends to aggressively expand into the broader tactical office supplies market.

“The problem with most office supplies is that they are ridiculously uncool” observed Benchmade CEO Ben Cartwright. “I mean, really, think about your average stapler. It’s almost always black and has no style or tactical value whatsoever. And we’ve yet to see one equipped with laser sights. And when it comes to trying to fight with most office supplies, forget about it.”

Cartwright went on to reveal the first two products in Benchmade’s new lineup – the DamaSteel Tactical Stapler and the OC Combo Tape/Pepper Non-Lethal Dispenser. The DamaSteel Tactical Stapler features a 3×9 variable scope for both short and longer range office conflicts and and high-penetration dual-core titanium staples. The Non-lethal tape/pepper dispenser aims to be the first to market with a 15 foot effective radius.

Designed to appeal to the disgruntled cubicle worker market, Benchmade’s new lineup will be sold in vending machines of large office complexes. “We’re also looking at partnerships with other companies firmly entrenched in existing office complexes. Red Bull and UPS for example” explained company Marketing Vice President Don Draper. “Don’t tell anyone about this, but we have a product placement deal in the works with Dilbert.”

Cartwright continued “We’re always looking at innovation. Some things on our drawing board include a semi-automatic three-hole punch and a concealable protractor. As we always say, make it cool, make it solid, make it happen and definitely make it Benchmade.”

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