In a sweeping move to embrace the spirit of the Supreme Court’s
landmark second amendment ruling in McDonald v. City of Chicago, Mayor Richard Daley announced several new common sense regulations designed to protect the city’s reputation for violence and general thuggery.
While the landmark decision clarifies protection of individual second amendment rights to own firearms in all states, cities, and local jurisdictions, Chicago represents a clear case of exception according to Floyd Capone, spokesperson for Mayor Daley’s office. “In order to maintain our solid reputation as one of the nation’s leading violent crime producers, we need to ensure that only our best thugs and gang-bangers maintain ownership of guns. If ordinary citizens and other types of little people can get access to guns, we might run our most prized criminals right out of town. That would certainly be a blow to the city’s cultural appeal.”
Capone heartily agreed with the wisdom of the courts decision for the most part. “Of course some reasonable restrictions will be applied for the common good of keeping Mayor Daley in power.” stated Capone.
For example, Chicago subjects will be required to complete a city sanctioned firearms safety and political obedience course. While the launch date of the new indoctrination program is unclear, the Mayor’s office anticipates availability “by the spring of 2037 at the very latest. We expect to begin offering the political obedience portion of the program starting next week. Of course, the firearm training part of the curriculum will take some time to develop.”
Additionally, subjects will be required to both pinky swear and complete a ‘Scouts Honor’ pledge that they will only store disassembled firearms in an approved lockbox in their attic. Some Chicago residents interviewed for this story have already started second mortgage applications to cover the admittedly high registration fees.
City official recognize that some of the new requirements may hinder subjects ability to actually use their firearms in time of emergency but insist that Chicago is ‘pretty safe’ anyway.
The Mayor’s office looks forward to a new spirit of cooperation with the Supreme Court. “We’re sending a delegation out to Washington to help them understand our point of view.” stated Capone.
Thursday, February 26, 2009 Fairfax, Va. – In a surprise vote today, Congress determined that there is in fact an important document called the consitution that outlines how the country should be run. “This new discovery kind of threw us for a loop” stated Senator Dianne Feinstein. “We’ve just been figuring things out as we go up to this point, and in our view that’s been working out pretty well. Except for the whole national bankruptcy thing of course.”
After discovering, and reading, the newly found Constitution, the Senate quickly voted 62-36 to overturn a controversial gun ban in the nations capitol. “Apparently there is some language in there that talks about peoples rights to own weapons of mass destruction or something like that” observed New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “My staff tells me its called the ‘second appendage’ or ‘second abomination’ or some such thing. I’ll have to look into it and get back to you. Clearly we’re going to have to fix that.”
Others were not surprised by the move. Chris Cox, Executive Director of the National Rifle Association’s Institute for Legislative Action commented “It’s time for leaders in Washington to wake up to the fact that the Supreme Court decision is now the law of the land.”
When asked about Cox’s comments, Senator Schumer appeared surprised. “What? That’s just great. First we find out about this Constitution thing and now you’re telling me about something called The Supreme Court? What is this country coming to anyway?”
Photo: The Coyote Report