Bring Home The Bacon, It’s Flitch Day!

Hamley Presiding Over Flitch Day Ceremonies

Hamley Presiding Over Flitch Day Ceremonies

Gunnies, gun nuts, gun freaks, and other others must take marital fidelity seriously.

We know this because gun people love bacon. Mmmmm. Bacon. Back to the story.

So what is it that defines the strong correlation between love of bacon and love of spouse? We don’t know. What we DO know is that this bond has been recognized since at least the 15th century, and maybe earlier, perhaps as early as the year 1104.

Enter the flitch. While it sounds like a Quiddich accessory from Harry Potter, a flitch is more or less equivalent to a side of bacon. Again, mmmmm.

As the story goes, monks of years past offered bacon bribes to married couples who could prove to a jury of bachelors and bachelorettes that they had remained committed to their marriage – pure of thought and deed – for the preceding year.

As part of their testimony to the jury of cold shower professionals, couples would recite the following oath:

We do swear by custom of confession

That we ne’re made nuptial transgression

Nor since we were married man and wife

By household brawl or contentious strife,

Or otherwise at bed or board,

Offended each other in deed or word;

Or since the parish clerk said amen,

Wished ourselves unmarried again;

Or in a twelvemonth and a day

Repented in thought in any way,

But continue true and in desire

As when we joined in holy quire.

The presiding monk would reply as follows:

Since to these conditions,

without any fear,

Of your own accord you do freely swear,

A whole flitch of bacon you shall receive,

And bear it hence with love and good leave;

For this is our custom at Dunmow well known

Though the pleasure be ours,

the bacon’s your own.

The moral of the story? As long as you are sincere about makin’ bacon with your own, you’ll continue to bring it home too.

A Call For More Common Sense Gun Laws!

Do Not Read This Sign Under Penalty of Law

Common Sense Laws

We agree with The Brady Campaign and The Coalition To Stop Gun Violence on one thing. We need more common sense gun laws.

Here are a few good examples…

In Nevada, it’s apparently still legal, more or less, to hang someone for shooting your dog. As long as they shoot your dog on your property.

In Pennsylvania, if you’ve participated in a duel, you’re no longer eligible to become Governor. Personally, we think this one ought to be amended just a tad. If you’ve lost a duel, then you’re no longer eligible to become Governor.

In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to give 24 hours notice to the police. This one makes a lot of sense to us. As Clint Smith says, the only reason to use a pistol for self defense is to fight your way to a rifle. With advance notice of crimes, you can have your rifle ready to go. Very convenient, this law of theirs.

Also in Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. First and third story buffalo sniping is fine as far as we can tell.

In the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia, it’s a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. This law requires further clarification as we’re not sure if beach whales are included or not.

If you’re a churchgoer in Maine, you’re required by law to bring your shotgun to church in case of attack by Native American Casino Owners. Five-card poker on Saturday night, church on Sunday morning.

While we’re generally in favor of as much liberty as possible when it comes to the Second Amendment, the common sense law in Chico, California probably ought to go national in scope. If you detonate a nuclear device within the city limits, you’ll be liable for a $500 fine.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long. We always make it a point to leave our German Pak 38 at home when driving through the horse-race state – even though we’ve got some really sweet CrossBreed IWB holsters for it.

In Kansas It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. We’re not sure if you can shoot them with Thompson’s though.

In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault. Ok, so that’s not a gun law per se, but once you start biting people with false teeth, the very next step is gun violence.

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats in the state of Kansas. We’re confused on this one as we haven’t had much success shooting anything from a motor boat. Generally guns work better for shooting things.

If someone is moose hunting in Alaska, it’s illegal to whisper in their ear. While we’re still verifying this, we think it is legal to yell Wango Tango at the top of your lungs.

And last but not least, we offer the climactic conclusion to this article.. In Connersville, Wisconsin, during sexual intercourse, it is against the law for a man to fire his gun whilst the woman is having an orgasm. This might give new meaning to the word bang.

As regulations change frequently, be sure to check local ordnances before engaging in any of these activities.

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