Signs, Mom Counting to 3, and Caning by Celery at the NRA Annual Meeting

“Oh, signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs

Blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind

Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?”

While the 5 Man Electrical Band was nowhere to be found, the city of St. Louis took the message to heart – and even hired James Earl Jones to make new audio signs in case people were too busy talking about guns to pay attention to the printed signs. Well, the James Earl Jones part is not entirely confirmed – yet. We’re working on that.

We lost count of the number of “NO CONCEALED WEAPONS” signs after 14,328. And that was just on the MetroLink train. Can’t read? Not to worry – the MetroLink stations broadcast an audio message loop, part of which reminds riders that no weapons are allowed at any time. And that gum chewing get’s you caned by unripe celery. That’s where James Earl Jones comes in.

Yeah, but what if you are texting, therefore not looking at signs, while listening to Justin Bieber and his Orchestra with your earbuds? Not to worry! The MetroLink folks thoughtfully placed a 2 foot by 4 foot sign at the top of station escalators so you run right smack into it – knees first. If you read the fine print, you’ll find that reconstructive knee surgery is not covered by the city. Bummer, that hurt.

Although it may seem silly to have all those signs, there’s a good reason. Your mother can’t always be around to threaten counting to three if you don’t stop whatever it is you’re doing. Hence the signs. Given that signs are not quite as intimidating as an angry mother, it usually takes 20 or 30 of them to make you feel guilty enough to stop. Thinking about carrying your concealed gun on the MetroLink regardless? Not after you pass the 23rd sign telling you not to.

Some people think that signs are a waste of time, because people no longer read anything except text messages and Kardashian Kapers Weekly. That and the fact that bad guys will ignore the signs anyway. While there is some truth to that, scientists have discovered that inherently bad people just require more signs. Most people who turn out bad do so because their mothers would allow their bad behavior to continue all the way to the count of 4 or even 5, hence the need for more signs in their adult years. Are you beginning to see the logic? By the time the good guys get to the MetroLink ticket machine, the signs have guilted them into melting their guns to make Shake Weights. Bad guys are more stubborn, but even the worst of them can’t make it to the train platform without tearfully donating their illegal guns to Jerry’s Kids.

Taking an example from the MetroLink’s sign program effectiveness, the Americas Center also prohibits weapons through the use of signs. While these rules seemed effective on the NRA Annual Meeting attendees, as there were hardly any mass shootings at the fresh lemonade stands, gun industry employees are clearly very, very bad people. Signs or no signs, they brought tens of thousands of their guns into the show. So signs only work most of the time, not all the time – hence the need for more aggressive tactics like window stickers.

Can you even imagine how high Gun Salesmen’s moms had to count?

Schumer Proposes ‘No-Snack’ List for Amtrak

New York Senator Chuck Schumer Proposes No-Snack List (img: Wikipedia / David Shankbone)

New York Senator Chuck Schumer Proposes No-Snack List (img: Wikipedia / David Shankbone)

Elaborating on yesterday’s call for expansion of a ‘no-ride’ list for Amtrak rail service, New York Senator Chuck Schumer, announced new ‘no-snack’ legislation aimed at Amtrak passengers with limited self control. Citing newly found intelligence from the recent Bin Laden compound raid in Abbottabad, Pakistan, Schumer outlined details of an emerging threat to American citizens.

“We’ve uncovered startling plans about terrorist plots to cause long-term health problems in the US by increasing the availability of snacks and junk foods” explained Schumer. “In fact, this new intelligence has already led to the interception of a large shipment of Twinkies bound for Union Station in Washington, DC. If those twinkies had made their way onto the Northeast Corridor 1 route we could have had some real problems. The average Amtrak passenger simply would not have been able to resist such unsafe quantities of snack food.”

Schumer’s bill aims to create the no-snack database and have it fully operational by June 1, 2011.

“It’s an aggressive schedule, but Homeland Security has been monitoring Wal-Marts for quite some time, and it seems obvious to us that Wal-Mart customers should be the first ones added to the no-snack list” explained Schumer. Later in the year, we’ll be adding TSA body scanners at both entrances to Amtrak Dining Cars to catch any passengers that manage to slip through the no-snack database. The technology in the latest Porta-Porn Scanners easily shows any extra body fat that passengers may be carrying.”

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