Shooting

GunUp.com Trounces GunDown.com In First Quarter Of Operation

November 13, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

GunUp.com

Today, GunUp.com CEO Ben Cartwright announced dramatic market share increases over arch-rival GunDown.com. On the companies quarterly analyst call, Cartwright explained that recent research indicates that GunUp.com enjoys a 99.94% market share of the gun enthusiast online community market compared to GunDown’s .06% share.

Admittedly, the competitors have slightly different target audiences. GunUp.com’s mission is to “provide prospective, new, and experienced gun enthusiasts with a one-stop destination to share, discuss, review, and compare guns with confidence.” On the other hand, GunDown.com caters to a more metrosexual audience, including men who wear scarves during the summer, cry during Oprah re-runs, and get periodic bikini waxing. “Our audience is actually more inclusive than that” explained CEO Al Franken. “We cater to all sorts of pantywaists regardless of whether they live in metropolitan areas or not.”

Al Franken Air America

GunUp.com’s market dominance highlights Franken’s second major media failure. Previously, Franken was instrumental in the fall and subsequent bankruptcy of admittedly leftist radio program, Air America. “I don’t know why you guys keep bringing up Air America” whined Franken. “It wasn’t our fault that people didn’t know better than to listen to our program. I bet Rush Limbaugh and the vast right wing conspiracy are behind this GunUp.com thing too. It’s just not fair, and as a United States Senator, I am going to introduce legislation to stop this nonsense.”

GunUp.com anticipates a bright future and has garnered an impressive early following. “Having perhaps the largest online gun comparison database in the world really helped GunUp.com start an interactive community” explained spokesperson Veronica Corningstone of Laura Burgess Marketing. “We were pretty firm in our belief that having actual data as the foundation of our offering would be of value to our users. Plus, our users can actually read, which has proved to be a tremendous competitive advantage over GunDown.com.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: al franken, ben cartwright, business, community, firearms, guns, internet, market, online, online community, Shooting, veronica corningstone, web

Winchester Ammunition Moves To Mississippi To Cut Spelling Errors

November 11, 2010 By Tom 2 Comments

According to the NRA’s American Rifleman blog, Winchester’s Illinois based ammunition division is relocating its plant facility to Mississippi. The announcement follows a recent trend of firearms companies moving south to warmer climes. Earlier this year, gun makers Para USA and Remington completed moves from Canada and New York to North Carolina.

CEO Ben Cartwright

While many believe the announced move is a response to stalled union negotiations with the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers District 9 group, Winchester Ammunition General Manager Ben Cartwright offers a different explanation. “We’ve had trouble for years with people trying to spell the ‘ammunition’ part of Winchester Ammunition. Seems like half the people want to use one ‘m’ and the other half want to use two ‘m’s.’ We’re just sick of it. Then one day, I the solution just came to me. Remember the elementary school thing about spelling Mississippi? You know, em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye? Dang, if people in Mississippi can spell that, then they sure as heck can spell ‘ammunition’ properly. So that’s where we ought to be. Where people can spell our dang name. Dangit.”

Industry insiders are skeptical about the justification for the move. “I can see relocating the whole freakin’ factory if its a cost issue” said Harry Callahan, industry research analyst. “Or maybe if they just feel lucky today. I can even understand that. But for the Mississippi song? Really?”

Winchesters Vice President of Marketing, Don Draper, countered “Look, it’s all about branding. If we lose control of our name then what? Heck, we’ve got county spelling bee champions lined up around the block applying for positions at the new plant. That’s good enough for me.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: american rifleman, ammo, ammunition, ben cartwright, don draper, guns, nra, olin, Shooting, unions, winchester

Gargoyles Plan To Form Shooting Team

November 9, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Gargoyles Competition Shooting Team Captain Grog Photo: thecelticcroft.com

According to recent reports from AmmoLand.com, the Gargoyles intend to form a new competitive shooting team. Traditionally known for their fearsome appearance, Gargoyles have not historically been recognized for their agility and speed. According to industry insiders, that reputation is about to change.

“People generally think of rock sculptures as slow and inflexible” comments Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing for Gargoyles Eyewear. “Just because they’re evil and mean looking doesn’t mean that they can’t shake and bake on the course of fire. Plus they have the added benefit of scaring away evil spirits. But the thing that really attracted us to the whole competitive Gargoyle concept was that most Gargoyles have wings and we expect them to literally fly through complex courses in major USPSA competitions.”

Gargoyles Eyewear Shooting Team

Rumors have been circulating for some time that the Gargoyles have been training in more sedentary shooting sports such as Benchrest and NRA Bullseye to prepare for their entre into the action shooting arena. “We’ve been really impressed by the stability and resulting accuracy that these Gargoyles have been able to achieve.” stated Wayne LaPierre, Executive Director of the National Rifle Association. “They just sit there and don’t flinch – like they were made of stone or something.”

Gargoyles Eyewear will be equipping the new team with proven eye protection designs including the Classic and Veil Series but will also leverage the teams exposure in the shooting community to launch the all-new ‘Rock Solid’ series. According to unnamed sources, the Rock Solid line will feature 325% UV protection and unsurpassed durability. “These things will last an eternity” bragged Draper.

Filed Under: Life, Life, News Tagged With: benchrest, bullseye, competition, don draper, eye protection, eyewear, gargoyles, guns, idpa, ipsc, nra, safety, Shooting, uspsa, wayne lapierre

Action Shooting Championships Dominated by Justice League of America

October 31, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Justice League of America (DC Comics, Ed Benes)

Blacktown, Australia, October 2010 – Making many renowned competitors look amateurish in comparison, the Justice League of America swept the recent Action Shooting World Championships. While a host of world-class shooters descended on The Blacktown Pistol Club in Sydney, Australia, it was clear from Match 2 (The Barricade Event) onwards that the Justice League team meant business.

Ralph Dibny, better known as The Elongated Man, commented “I think my ability to just stretch around all the barricades really helped to shave seconds off my time. I didn’t have to run anywhere. Elasticity is really an advantage in this part of the match.”

Wonder Woman (Art: Terry Dodson)

The Green Lantern, also known in civilian circles as Hal Jordan, easily took top honors in the falling plate stage. “While there is still a little controversy over legality, I just used my Green Power Ring to shatter the plates” commented Jordan. I did actually shoot at the first one, so I don’t see what people are complaining about.”

Some competitors were less than pleased with the Justice League team. Top Shot reality star Adam Benson intends to lodge a formal complaint with competition organizers. “When Wonder Woman wanted to use her invisible plane during the Moving Target stage, that was the last straw for me” wailed Benson. “I think if you have supernatural powers or come from another planet then you shouldn’t be eligible.”

While most of the Justice League team exhibited quiet humility during their unprecedented victory, some got carried away in the excitement. “When we got to Stage 8 – the Iron Man Match – I was like, REALLY?” laughed Justice League Team Captain Superman. “Give me a break. Iron man? Like that one’s not over before it starts? Please.” Superman refused to comment when asked about recent sightings of him and Wonder Woman at trendy Sydney restaurant, Outback Steakhouse.

Filed Under: Life, News Tagged With: action pistol, action shooting championships, adam benson, competition, competitive shooting, guns, ipda, ipsc, nra, Shooting, sports, steel challenge, superman, uspsa, wonder woman

Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch ‘n Taste Now Available

October 29, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Hoppe's Scratch n' Taste - 'aggressive' according to some early customers

Following closely on the heels of the successful release of Hoppe’s No. 9 Air Freshener, Hoppe’s, the gun care people, have announced Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste.

According to Hoppe’s, the No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste is targeted at those who want more than the “olfactory bliss between gun cleanings” offered by the No. 9 Air Freshener product. “It’ll definitely wake you up in the morning” stated company CEO Ben Cartwright.

Hoppe's No. 9 Air Freshener

Described by early customers as ‘aggressive’ the Scratch n’ Taste is aimed at a relatively small market niche of truly fanatical gun lovers. “We’re really trying to capture the market segment defined by people who actually drink Hoppe’s No. 9 gun cleaner” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing at Hoppe’s. “We figured if people were that dedicated, we ought to provide a safer means of savoring the Hoppe’s experience.”

While admitting that the Hoppe’s taste experience may be expanded in the future, Draper would not comment on rumors about Hoppe’s No. 9 Breath Mints.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: air freshener, ben cartwright, don draper, firearms, gun cleaner, gun cleaning, guns, hoppe's, hunting, satire, Shooting

Speer Bullets Launches New Smokin’ Hot-Cor Ammunition Line

October 26, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

New Speer Smokin' Hot-Cor Bullets

Speer Bullets recently expanded its already broad line of hunting bullets with the addition of the Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor series. Intended to provide an extension to the successful Hot-Cor line, the Smokin’ series is targeted at hunters and sportsmen with a more ‘randy’ side. In addition to minimal jacketing that leaves much to the imagination, the new Smokin’ Hot-Cores feature beautifully proportioned measurements, regardless of caliber offering. And based on early evaluations, they perform in the field, but only for tips. “These bullets typically retain 152% of their original weight” noted Speer CEO Ben Cartwright. “And they’re not hard on they eyes either. For bullets, they sure are lookers.” When asked how the new bullets could retain more than their original weight after expansion Cartwright explained “It’s just like Smokin’ hot people. Our bullets tend to attract others as they go and before you know it, it’s a stalker entourage.”

Don Draper, Speer Vice President of Marketing

VP Marketing Don Draper

Don Draper, Speer’s Vice President of Marketing shared details of a new promotional strategy for Speer. In a newly minted marketing pact with ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Founder Joe Francis, the companies intend to create a video series entitled “Bullets Gone Wild!” which will feature the new Smokin’ Hot-Cor lineup. “We hope to show our new bullets in action – raw and uncensored – so people can see how they really behave, or maybe misbehave, in the field” said Draper. “When these bullets get out of the gun, they tend to lose all inhibition and who knows what will happen. We hope to capture that on film under our new agreement with Mr. Francis.” Draper also announced availability of the new Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor calendar in time for the upcoming holiday season. “We wanted hunters to have a new look at our bullets throughout the year. Of course, the calendar will be rated PG-13, so we recommend discretion.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ammo, ammunition, ben cartwright, bullets, don draper, girls gone wild, guns, hunting, Shooting, speer

Bloomberg Eases Concealed Carry Gun Permit Requirements

October 23, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Mayor Bloomberg (Photo nydailynews.com)

In a surprise announcement today, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced a radical shift in New York’s concealed carry weapon permit policy. Previously, concealed carry weapons (CCW) permits were strictly controlled and granted only to those individuals able to demonstrate ‘proper cause’ for a handgun permit. Examples of proper cause include ‘A’ list celebrity status (D-listers need not apply), proof of greater than normal risk of personal harm, last name of ‘Trump’, and Platinum level campaign donors.

Current CCW permit holders include singer and J-Lo beau Marc Anthony, lucky sperm club member Donald Trump, Jr., actor Robert DeNiro, and professional heckler Howard Stern. In addition to national treasures and celebrities du jour, permits have been granted to individuals who have proven themselves to be at greater than normal risk of physical harm. For example, daughter of garden party mogul Martha Stewart, Alexis Stewart, was recently granted a CCW permit when she claimed that she was regularly transporting large and valuable shipments of liver pate.

Under new screening guidelines, New York will consider offering CCW permits to the following groups of citizens under certain circumstances:

You agree to give up trans-fats in your diet for a period not less than one year
You are a current or retire NYC Politburo member
You are a “respectable” Reality TV star such as finalists from What Not to Wear, Top Chef, and Top Model. Current cast members of Jersey Shore will be excluded “for obvious reasons” according to Bloomberg.
You are Congressman Barney Frank
You are Yankees star Derek Jeter, provided you maintain a .320 hitting average
You’re a current cast member of ‘Saturday Night Live’ provided you continue to ‘toe the line.’

When questioned about the fairness of the new policies, Mayor Bloomberg replied “Shut up dammit. I bought the last election and I can buy the next one. It’s good to be king!”

Filed Under: Life, News, Politics Tagged With: Bloomberg, ccw, concealed carry, crime, guns, New York City, Self-Defense, Shooting

Ruger Announces Common Stock and Light Origami Pistol Repurchase Program

October 12, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE-RGR), announced the third quarter 2010 repurchase of 412,000 shares of common stock and 4 Light Origami Pistols (LOPs). Reportedly, the total repurchase program was valued at $5,700,000.84 with $5.7 million allocated to common stock and $0.84 allocated to the repurchase of the LOP Pistols.

Ben Cartwright

According to Ben Cartwright, Chief Executive Officer, “We’re always looking at aggressive ways to increase shareholder value. Since the company is doing so well, we decided it was time to embark on an aggressive stock repurchase program.”

Asked about the rationale behind the Light Origami Pistol Program, Cartwright explained “It occurred to us that stockholders should not be the only ones to benefit from repurchase programs. Why not do something for collectors as well?”

Ruger’s strategy is to buy pistols back from the public in order to decrease supply and availability – thereby driving up prices for collectors. While innovative, the strategy has yet to be proven in the market.

Ruger’s Chief Financial Officer Gordon Gecko explained the new strategy during the recent third quarter analyst briefing call. “Right now, there are about 5 Light Origami Pistols out there in the market, so it’s not really a collectible. They’re only selling for about $0.21 each given the state of the economy. We thought that if we could buy back 4 of them, then maybe that 5th one would really increase in value.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ben cartwright, Gordon Gecko, guns, handguns, humor, origami, Pistol, Ruger, satire, Shooting, Stock Repurchase

Beretta Introduces Tropical Storm Handgun Line

September 29, 2010 By Tom 1 Comment

Beretta Tropical Storm

Close on the heels of a successful launch of the PX4 Storm Series of pistols in .45 caliber, Beretta today announced an even more innovative lineup – the Tropical Storm Series.

The new pistol design represents a quantum leap in weather harnessing technology according to Ben Cartwright, CEO, Beretta USA. ”For centuries, we’ve been developing firearms with energy potential measured in foot-pounds” said Cartwright. “One day while walking my dog Giuseppe in a rainstorm, it occurred to me that we ought to think about harnessing the power of mother nature. When she’s upset, things get crazy.”

While the previous lineup of PX4 pistols used a creative rotating barrel lockup technology to create a strengthened action with reduced recoil, the new Tropical Storm leverages planetary rotational forces for increased power. Tapping into the power of both hot and cold fronts and lunar gravitation, the first model of the new pistol, the Hugo, is rumored to obtain maximum sustained velocity of at least 63 knots.

“The Gulfstream is a pretty dig deal.” said Don Draper, Beretta’s Vice President of Marketing. “That, combined with the earth’s rotation means we don’t have to rifle the barrels – and that results in lower costs that we can pass on to our customers.”

Rumors of the top-secret project have been circulating for months with talk of projects code named Agnes, Bart, and Colin being leaked to the press by an anonymous source highly placed in the National Hurricane Center.

Draper expects the line to evolve quickly. “As soon as we can break the maximum sustained velocity barrier of 74 knots, we would like to upgrade the line. Maybe we’ll name it the Hurricane Storm Series.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: announcements, ben cartwright, Beretta, don draper, firearms, guns, handguns, new products, news, pistols, px4, Shooting, storm, tropical storm

Palm Pistol Deep Sea Submersible Completes Endurance Testing

September 17, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Palm Pistol Submersible

Earlier this month, Constitution Arms completed endurance testing of its revolutionary new combination Palm Pistol and Miniature Automated Deep Sea Submersible, or MADSS.

The versatile device is expected to serve the emerging market for personal protection while performing deep sea exploration. “As a result of our extensive market research efforts, we’re pretty sure we’ve hit on a unique market” said Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing. “We’ve not been able to identify any competitive offerings that combine a .38 Special single shot firearm with a fully automated submarine exploration unit. It’s definitely unique.”

Constitution Arms Palm Pistol

In preparation for market introduction, the Palm Pistol Submersible completed two rigorous yet distinct testing protocols administered by an unnamed certified ASTM certified non-destructive metallurgic testing laboratory and Sea World of Orlando. Some aspects of the testing were able to be consolidated into a single protocol. For example, the 10,000 fired test rounds were aimed at frozen bait fish not deemed suitable for consumption by Shamu.

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We tried very hard to standardize our testing with one primary vendor, but it’s really hard to find a lab that can proof test 10,000 rounds of ammunition and certify seaworthiness and waterproof capabilities at 200 fathoms.” stated Ben Cartwright, CEO of Constitution Arms.

The company expects to launch the ground water breaking device at the 50th Anniversary Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau Film Festival later this fall.