Mayors Against Illegal Guns (MAIG) spokesperson Senator Al Franken announced today formation of a new political organization – Mayors Against Legal Governing, or MALG.
Inspiration for the spinoff organization came out of a recent emergency meeting called to address the problem of inordinate numbers of MAIG members running afoul of the law. Since it’s formation in 2006, MAIG has suffered a rash of embarrassing incidents where member Mayors have been arrested, convicted, and even jailed for a broad variety of crimes.
“I mean everyone knows that we don’t play by the same rules as common people. We finally decided, hey, why the secrecy? Let’s just be out in the open about it and organize and embrace the lawlessness,” noted MAIG and MALG Founder New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
MALG organizers stress the importance of planning and metrics to success of their long term mission. ”The pro-second amendment crowd likes to use lot’s of fancy statistics to prove things, so we decided we needed to whip up some of our own,” explained MALG organizer Bloomberg.
Inside sources indicate that Mayors Against Legal Governing is trying to make sure that have equal representation from all sorts of lawless behavior. So far, members have compiled an impressive list of illicit behaviors including Campaign Finance Scandal, Bribery, Counterfeiting, Domestic Abuse, Extortion, Money Laundering, Miscellaneous Corruption, Falsifying Evidence, Double-Secret Federal Charges, and Child Pornography.
“While we’re off to an impressive start, we’ve got some real gaps in the areas of armed robbery, impersonation of clergy, and nude Llama wrestling,” observed Mayor Bloomberg. “If you know anyone, please give them my number.
“Originally we wanted to keep this organization exclusive and only allow membership to Mayors who are actual convicted felons or those who were in the process of being convicted,” explained Mayor Bloomberg. “But we’re really making a renewed effort to be inclusive so we’re going consider adding Mayors with Misdemeanors to the group.”
An article at Wee’rd World about ‘Occupy’ protests got us thinking…
Our tenacious reporters have recently uncovered the following conversation on Facebook. Finally, the truth revealed…
We agree with The Brady Campaign and The Coalition To Stop Gun Violence on one thing. We need more common sense gun laws.
Here are a few good examples…
In Nevada, it’s apparently still legal, more or less, to hang someone for shooting your dog. As long as they shoot your dog on your property.
In Pennsylvania, if you’ve participated in a duel, you’re no longer eligible to become Governor. Personally, we think this one ought to be amended just a tad. If you’ve lost a duel, then you’re no longer eligible to become Governor.
In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to give 24 hours notice to the police. This one makes a lot of sense to us. As Clint Smith says, the only reason to use a pistol for self defense is to fight your way to a rifle. With advance notice of crimes, you can have your rifle ready to go. Very convenient, this law of theirs.
Also in Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. First and third story buffalo sniping is fine as far as we can tell.
In the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia, it’s a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. This law requires further clarification as we’re not sure if beach whales are included or not.
If you’re a churchgoer in Maine, you’re required by law to bring your shotgun to church in case of attack by Native American Casino Owners. Five-card poker on Saturday night, church on Sunday morning.
While we’re generally in favor of as much liberty as possible when it comes to the Second Amendment, the common sense law in Chico, California probably ought to go national in scope. If you detonate a nuclear device within the city limits, you’ll be liable for a $500 fine.
In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long. We always make it a point to leave our German Pak 38 at home when driving through the horse-race state – even though we’ve got some really sweet CrossBreed IWB holsters for it.
In Kansas It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. We’re not sure if you can shoot them with Thompson’s though.
In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault. Ok, so that’s not a gun law per se, but once you start biting people with false teeth, the very next step is gun violence.
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats in the state of Kansas. We’re confused on this one as we haven’t had much success shooting anything from a motor boat. Generally guns work better for shooting things.
If someone is moose hunting in Alaska, it’s illegal to whisper in their ear. While we’re still verifying this, we think it is legal to yell Wango Tango at the top of your lungs.
And last but not least, we offer the climactic conclusion to this article.. In Connersville, Wisconsin, during sexual intercourse, it is against the law for a man to fire his gun whilst the woman is having an orgasm. This might give new meaning to the word bang.
As regulations change frequently, be sure to check local ordnances before engaging in any of these activities.
I always liked that guy!
In a sweeping move to embrace the spirit of the Supreme Court’s
landmark second amendment ruling in McDonald v. City of Chicago, Mayor Richard Daley announced several new common sense regulations designed to protect the city’s reputation for violence and general thuggery.
While the landmark decision clarifies protection of individual second amendment rights to own firearms in all states, cities, and local jurisdictions, Chicago represents a clear case of exception according to Floyd Capone, spokesperson for Mayor Daley’s office. ”In order to maintain our solid reputation as one of the nation’s leading violent crime producers, we need to ensure that only our best thugs and gang-bangers maintain ownership of guns. If ordinary citizens and other types of little people can get access to guns, we might run our most prized criminals right out of town. That would certainly be a blow to the city’s cultural appeal.”
Capone heartily agreed with the wisdom of the courts decision for the most part. “Of course some reasonable restrictions will be applied for the common good of keeping Mayor Daley in power.” stated Capone.
For example, Chicago subjects will be required to complete a city sanctioned firearms safety and political obedience course. While the launch date of the new indoctrination program is unclear, the Mayor’s office anticipates availability “by the spring of 2037 at the very latest. We expect to begin offering the political obedience portion of the program starting next week. Of course, the firearm training part of the curriculum will take some time to develop.”
Additionally, subjects will be required to both pinky swear and complete a ‘Scouts Honor’ pledge that they will only store disassembled firearms in an approved lockbox in their attic. Some Chicago residents interviewed for this story have already started second mortgage applications to cover the admittedly high registration fees.
City official recognize that some of the new requirements may hinder subjects ability to actually use their firearms in time of emergency but insist that Chicago is ‘pretty safe’ anyway.
The Mayor’s office looks forward to a new spirit of cooperation with the Supreme Court. “We’re sending a delegation out to Washington to help them understand our point of view.” stated Capone.