I’m A (Drunk) Security Officer!

Several days ago, the My Gun Culture team was at an undisclosed outdoor range doing some testing for our Will It Expand series. It was a quiet day with a family with kids and a couple of friends at the other end of the shooting line. While quietly going out our important business of shooting things like grape jelly, Spam, and leather boots, we heard the beginnings of a disturbance. Apparently a new shooter had arrived and set up in the lane next to the family and friends. We started to pick up on some slightly heated conversation soon after. As the volume increased, we began packing up our stuff…

Family Guy: Hey would you mind not shooting at my kids targets?

Other Guy: I can do whatever I want.

Family Guy: Well, they brought them and set them up and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t shoot at theirs. They went to a lot of trouble to set them up.

Other Guy: I’m a security officer!

Editors Note: (Now ‘Other Guy’ has an identity! He apparently has mall credentials!)

Family Guy: What??? You’re a security officer because you’re not smart enough to be a cop! And you’re a drunk! Look at you! You’re half drunk already!

Editors Note: Being at the opposite end of the range, we had no idea if the Security Officer was in fact drunk, but we took Family Guy’s word for it.

Security Officer: You better shut up, I’m a security officer! And I’ll do what I want!

Editors Note: At this point, Family Guy starts getting pretty aggressive and appears ready to pick a fight. Interestingly the guy he is starting to pick a fight with is standing there holding a large revolver and, by Family Guy’s own accusation, is drunk. We’re outta there.

Family Guy: (kicking dirt at Security Officer in imitation of Billy Martin’s best umpire abuse moments) Look, all I want you to do is say you’re sorry and set up your own targets instead of shooting at ours!

Security Officer: Mgghtmrmrgghhhph. I’m a security officer – you better watch it.

Family Guy: (Wife holding him back at this point) Look at you! You’re half drunk already! You aren’t smart enough to be a real police officer, so you’re a security guard! You’re a drunk and a loser!

Security Officer: You gonna come at me? I’m a security officer!

Editors Note: Etc, etc. etc. The “you’re drunk / I’m a security officer” cadence was repeated numerous times here.

At this point, we’re packed and hitting the road. The ‘Security Officer’ has also decided to hit the road – thankfully.

Unfortunately, this is a true story.

As a public service, and so others can learn, we’ve developed this helpful multiple choice and true / false quiz to help educate our readers on how to deal with similar situations.

Pop Quiz: Range safety, drinking, and legal authority of Security Officers

Please answer the following to the best of your ability. Guessing will not help your score.

1. Drinking before going to the shooting range is:

  1. Fun for the whole family
  2. A pre-requisite of NRA membership
  3. Awesome dude! Party on Garth!
  4. An integral part of most mall-certified Security Officer training programs

2. When picking a fight with an armed, drunk, and/or obstinate Security Officer, you should:

  1. Position your wife and children in front of you
  2. Position your wife and children behind you
  3. Ask for some of what he’s drinking and bury the hatchet
  4. Wait until he loads his gun before approaching with your fists raised

3. Security Officers have Presidential Authority to do whatever they want.

  1. True
  2. False

4. Kicking dirt on your gunfight opponent is an effective means of not getting shot. Especially if your opponent is drunk.

  1. True
  2. False

5. If someone at the range shoots at your targets, you are legally entitled, and morally obligated, to:

  1. Kick dirt at them
  2. Take pot shots at their car
  3. Threaten them while using your children as human shields
  4. Forcefully confiscate their firearm
  5. Lodge a formal complaint with the AMPAA (American Mall Police of America Association)

6. If you are the aggressor in an altercation, which of the following statements are true?

  1. Your children make excellent ballistic shields in most cases
  2. Most of your children are only capable of stopping common handgun rounds
  3. You should always ask your spouse before using your children as ballistic shields
  4. It’s more tactically sound to use other peoples children as human shields as yours are expensive

7. Many people are capable of being complete idiots:

  1. True
  2. False

Score yourself on this quiz using the honor system. If you answered any of the above questions, please enroll in the nearest Mall-Certified Security Officer Training Program immediately.

Redneck Fire Alarm

Learn something new every day… From Marooned

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