I’m A (Drunk) Security Officer!

Several days ago, the My Gun Culture team was at an undisclosed outdoor range doing some testing for our Will It Expand series. It was a quiet day with a family with kids and a couple of friends at the other end of the shooting line. While quietly going out our important business of shooting things like grape jelly, Spam, and leather boots, we heard the beginnings of a disturbance. Apparently a new shooter had arrived and set up in the lane next to the family and friends. We started to pick up on some slightly heated conversation soon after. As the volume increased, we began packing up our stuff…

Family Guy: Hey would you mind not shooting at my kids targets?

Other Guy: I can do whatever I want.

Family Guy: Well, they brought them and set them up and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t shoot at theirs. They went to a lot of trouble to set them up.

Other Guy: I’m a security officer!

Editors Note: (Now ‘Other Guy’ has an identity! He apparently has mall credentials!)

Family Guy: What??? You’re a security officer because you’re not smart enough to be a cop! And you’re a drunk! Look at you! You’re half drunk already!

Editors Note: Being at the opposite end of the range, we had no idea if the Security Officer was in fact drunk, but we took Family Guy’s word for it.

Security Officer: You better shut up, I’m a security officer! And I’ll do what I want!

Editors Note: At this point, Family Guy starts getting pretty aggressive and appears ready to pick a fight. Interestingly the guy he is starting to pick a fight with is standing there holding a large revolver and, by Family Guy’s own accusation, is drunk. We’re outta there.

Family Guy: (kicking dirt at Security Officer in imitation of Billy Martin’s best umpire abuse moments) Look, all I want you to do is say you’re sorry and set up your own targets instead of shooting at ours!

Security Officer: Mgghtmrmrgghhhph. I’m a security officer – you better watch it.

Family Guy: (Wife holding him back at this point) Look at you! You’re half drunk already! You aren’t smart enough to be a real police officer, so you’re a security guard! You’re a drunk and a loser!

Security Officer: You gonna come at me? I’m a security officer!

Editors Note: Etc, etc. etc. The “you’re drunk / I’m a security officer” cadence was repeated numerous times here.

At this point, we’re packed and hitting the road. The ‘Security Officer’ has also decided to hit the road – thankfully.

Unfortunately, this is a true story.

As a public service, and so others can learn, we’ve developed this helpful multiple choice and true / false quiz to help educate our readers on how to deal with similar situations.

Pop Quiz: Range safety, drinking, and legal authority of Security Officers

Please answer the following to the best of your ability. Guessing will not help your score.

1. Drinking before going to the shooting range is:

  1. Fun for the whole family
  2. A pre-requisite of NRA membership
  3. Awesome dude! Party on Garth!
  4. An integral part of most mall-certified Security Officer training programs

2. When picking a fight with an armed, drunk, and/or obstinate Security Officer, you should:

  1. Position your wife and children in front of you
  2. Position your wife and children behind you
  3. Ask for some of what he’s drinking and bury the hatchet
  4. Wait until he loads his gun before approaching with your fists raised

3. Security Officers have Presidential Authority to do whatever they want.

  1. True
  2. False

4. Kicking dirt on your gunfight opponent is an effective means of not getting shot. Especially if your opponent is drunk.

  1. True
  2. False

5. If someone at the range shoots at your targets, you are legally entitled, and morally obligated, to:

  1. Kick dirt at them
  2. Take pot shots at their car
  3. Threaten them while using your children as human shields
  4. Forcefully confiscate their firearm
  5. Lodge a formal complaint with the AMPAA (American Mall Police of America Association)

6. If you are the aggressor in an altercation, which of the following statements are true?

  1. Your children make excellent ballistic shields in most cases
  2. Most of your children are only capable of stopping common handgun rounds
  3. You should always ask your spouse before using your children as ballistic shields
  4. It’s more tactically sound to use other peoples children as human shields as yours are expensive

7. Many people are capable of being complete idiots:

  1. True
  2. False

Score yourself on this quiz using the honor system. If you answered any of the above questions, please enroll in the nearest Mall-Certified Security Officer Training Program immediately.

Ammo Menus, Ammo Girls, and Ammo Guys

LuckyGunner.com Ammo Menu

LuckyGunner.com Ammo Menu

Much has been made of the whole ammo menu concept at the recent Luckygunner.com Blogger Shoot.

Most people, myself included, thought it was a stroke of pure and luxurious brilliance. Print up a menu of available ammunition, take copies up and down the firing line, get people to place orders, and have ammo delivered right to your gun, so to speak.

A few questions have been raised about the idea of having ammo girls take orders and deliver ammo. Does that have some negative impact on the existing stereotypes of shooting being a good ole boys club that’s not welcoming to women? While admittedly attractive, the ammo girls were tastefully dressed in what one might refer to as shooting tennis attire – black LuckyGunner.com shirts and black tennis skorts.

What no one has mentioned is that the ammo girls, and ammo guys, were mostly employees of LuckyGunner just chipping in to have some fun and do something special at the event. I admire the playful attitude they displayed with the whole ammo menu thing. Perhaps next year, they will get those chaise lounges with little red flags to raise when you need something – like the ones at Caribbean resort pools.

Idea for next year: Ammo Lounges

Idea for next year: Ammo Lounges

The beef I have is that no one is commenting on the ammo guys. You know, the ones working the ammo table and mobile warehouse (read: U-Haul truck) in the blazing Tennessee sun. It was like the ammo bar where the ammo girls got the orders filled. While the ammo guys were not wearing skorts, they were attired in similar LuckyGunner black shirts and khaki shorts. I do have to say that a couple of the ammo guys were showing just a bit too much leg for my taste. Tone it down next year guys! Some of them may have been wearing skorts underneath, but I didn’t ask and certainly didn’t want to know.

All in all the ammo menu thing, staffed by ammo girls and ammo guys, was great fun. The ammo girls definitely had the better deal as they got to shoot a lot of the guns while the ammo guys just sweated in the truck. If I ever have to be an ammo girl or ammo guy, give me a pair of skorts and let me work the shooting line.

The 1911 Pistol: 100 Years of Wild and Crazy Innovation…

US Army officer training with 1911 pistol in France circa 1918

US Army officer training with 1911 pistol in France circa 1918 (image: FortDouglas.org)

Since the 100 year anniversary of the adoption of the John Browning 1911 pistol design took place on March 29, 2011, we figure it’s about time that we write something about this historic event. 2 weeks late? That’s pretty much defines our style here at My Gun Culture. Our culture is mellow after all.

Being the twisted cynical-sarcastics that we are, we thought it might be interesting to compare 100 years of 1911 pistol innovation to advances in other technologies – just to see if the 1911 has kept pace. Let’s take a look at this Carousel of Progress:

Medicine 1911: While we’re pretty sure leeches were out of vogue by this point,  radiation was in. Marie Curie figured out that there were things called Radium and Polonium and her peers were pretty sure that radiation was a bad thing for humans. Unless you’re Peter Parker of course. Duh. Oh, and by the way, dental braces had just been invented.

Medicine 2011 Innovations: You can have your gall bladder removed through a straw. Trust me I know. I just did this – hence my light posting the past couple of weeks. The cool thing is that I look like I have 5 gunshot wounds in my abdomen. That’s what I tell people anyway. Chicks are impressed I think.

1911 Pistol Innovation: The ejection port has been embiggened. For improved reliability. Or something like that. The engineering is a lot more complex than it sounds. This technology leap took decades of intense research and product development. Custom shops do this for large fees. Why the factory can’t just cut a bigger hole in the first place remains a mystery.


Personal Luxuries 1911: When no one is looking, you can take off your wool overcoat during the hot summer months. Coal is far more convenient, although dirtier, than firewood for cooking, heating your home, and warming your bed with a metal pan on a stick.

Personal Luxuries 2011 Innovations: You can order a Snuggie on TV in many snazzy colors – all from the comfort of your couch. Clap on. Clap off. The Clapper. iPhones. Enough said.

1911 Pistol Innovations: At least one company has en-widened the magazine to hold a few more bullets. Once again, the engineering involved is very, very complex.


Aviation 1911: Eugene Ely lands a bundle of fabric and sticks on a bunch of planks bolted to the top of a ship. The first undisputed aeroplane flight is made in New Zealand. There is no such thing as commercial air travel. The TSA has not yet started to molest children; although many important planning meetings are going on.

Charles Ritchel Flying Machine

Charles Ritchel Flying Machine (image: flyingmachines.org)

Aviation 2011 Innovations: You can go to Australia in a large metal flying machine on an hours notice for a 90 minute business meeting that could have been done by video conference. If you’ve got enough money, you can experience space sickness on the International Space Station. Hint: The Russians are always desperate for cash. Or if you’re really fortunate, you can join the 173 to 286 mile high club. We send things to distant planets by remote control, and sometimes they actually arrive. You can pack personal items in something called a suitcase and have them immediately transported to any virtually any location worldwide – regardless of where you yourself are landing.

1911 Pistol Innovations: They made that beavertail thing a little bigger so the hammer doesn’t pinch your hand and interfere with your career as an aspiring gun writer. Again, the engineering involved is way more complex than it sounds.


Personal Fitness 1911: Throw 1 more bail of hay on your horse drawn wagon Gomer. And jog to the barn, instead of walking, when milking the cows. Hand cranking the car engine, if you have a car, is a great way to build sexy biceps. Churning butter works pretty well too.

Personal Fitness 2011: Chuck Norris is selling the living snot out of the Total Gym XLS. And you can buy battery powered things to sculpt your abs while watching Wheel of Fortune on Hulu – on your iPad.

1911 Pistol Innovations: There are now replaceable sights. And some of them glow in the dark. Some of the more advanced models actually have the safety on the other side.


Wow, innovation is an impressive thing! If the next 100 years of the 1911 pistol are anything like the first, we might end up with things like adjustable grip sizes. But that might be too much to ask. After all, you can only get so much done in just 100 years.

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