Going (Contract) Postal Because ACE Is The Place

contract post office ace hardware

Do Contract Post Office facilities have magical gun free zones?

I almost went postal today.

I think.

But it was a contract deal, so I’m not sure.

You see, I stopped by an ACE Hardware store near my home. ACE is the place. Ours sells everything from designer spackle to multi-color Post-It Notes to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I know this because the Reese’s are right in the checkout line display, where I will be sure to buy some every time I visit.

This particular ACE Hardware store has a United States Post Office CONTRACT facility in it. Right between shelves of office supplies and advent calendars, there is a large grey floor mat where you stand in line to mail packages, buy stamps, and tell the clerk you are not shipping anything fragile, explosive, or perishable. While I did notice the floor mat, I was not able to detect a gun free zone force field. Didn’t even feel any electrostatic buzz in the area. Nor did I get brain cancer while I was there, as far as I know. So really I’m only guessing that the floor mat designates a gun free area of the store.

So here’s the problem. If you carry a concealed firearm, you do not, under any circumstance, take it into an official, designated United States Post Office. You do not have it in your car in the parking lot of a United States Post Office. You do not wear a “Body Piercing by Smith & Wesson” t-shirt. You do not even think about next weekends gun show. Right, wrong, indifferent, or completely insane, every armed citizen should know this. Yeah, I think it’s nuts too, so write your congress critters like I do.

But this isn’t a United States Post Office. It’s an ACE Hardware store that sells Buck Knives, Carhartt Union Suits, and nifty deep fryers for turkeys (or road kill if you’re on a tight budget.) These things are all clearly consistent with gun totin’ right? On the other hand, there are stacks of Flat Rate shipping boxes scattered all over that one aisle between the stapler refills and front porch flags. Clearly Post Office type stuff.

So I’m perplexed.

Are certain areas of my ACE Hardware Store federal gun free zones?

If someone wants to commit armed robbery this particular ACE Hardware, do they get more prison time if they step on the grey floor mat area?

What if, in process of committing the armed robbery, they knock over a stack of flat rate shipping boxes? Is that now first degree littering?

Will Snookie have a boy or a girl? In either case, will the child come out of the womb spray tanned?

Were federal stimulus dollars used to buy up the square footage under that particular floor mat, thereby making part of ACE Hardware federal property?

If someone just wants to rob the Buck Knife display, and steps around the contract post office area, is that OK? Or do they have to leave their gun in the car?

Can legislators exercise any less common sense while legislating common sense legislation?

If a legally armed citizen is out shopping, on a tight time schedule, and has to buy a PVC to garden hose fitting and mail a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes entry, do they have to make two separate trips?

ACE is the place where you can legally carry a gun in this state, but is the contract post office also the place?

What say you? Is it legal? Will you end up in Club Gitmo if you carry into this particular ACE?

A Call For More Common Sense Gun Laws!

Do Not Read This Sign Under Penalty of Law

Common Sense Laws

We agree with The Brady Campaign and The Coalition To Stop Gun Violence on one thing. We need more common sense gun laws.

Here are a few good examples…

In Nevada, it’s apparently still legal, more or less, to hang someone for shooting your dog. As long as they shoot your dog on your property.

In Pennsylvania, if you’ve participated in a duel, you’re no longer eligible to become Governor. Personally, we think this one ought to be amended just a tad. If you’ve lost a duel, then you’re no longer eligible to become Governor.

In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to give 24 hours notice to the police. This one makes a lot of sense to us. As Clint Smith says, the only reason to use a pistol for self defense is to fight your way to a rifle. With advance notice of crimes, you can have your rifle ready to go. Very convenient, this law of theirs.

Also in Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. First and third story buffalo sniping is fine as far as we can tell.

In the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia, it’s a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. This law requires further clarification as we’re not sure if beach whales are included or not.

If you’re a churchgoer in Maine, you’re required by law to bring your shotgun to church in case of attack by Native American Casino Owners. Five-card poker on Saturday night, church on Sunday morning.

While we’re generally in favor of as much liberty as possible when it comes to the Second Amendment, the common sense law in Chico, California probably ought to go national in scope. If you detonate a nuclear device within the city limits, you’ll be liable for a $500 fine.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long. We always make it a point to leave our German Pak 38 at home when driving through the horse-race state – even though we’ve got some really sweet CrossBreed IWB holsters for it.

In Kansas It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. We’re not sure if you can shoot them with Thompson’s though.

In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault. Ok, so that’s not a gun law per se, but once you start biting people with false teeth, the very next step is gun violence.

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats in the state of Kansas. We’re confused on this one as we haven’t had much success shooting anything from a motor boat. Generally guns work better for shooting things.

If someone is moose hunting in Alaska, it’s illegal to whisper in their ear. While we’re still verifying this, we think it is legal to yell Wango Tango at the top of your lungs.

And last but not least, we offer the climactic conclusion to this article.. In Connersville, Wisconsin, during sexual intercourse, it is against the law for a man to fire his gun whilst the woman is having an orgasm. This might give new meaning to the word bang.

As regulations change frequently, be sure to check local ordnances before engaging in any of these activities.

Legal Disclosures about articles on My Gun Culture