Legislative Institute Against Redneck Shooters (LIARS)

Wrestling with Pigs is Muddy

Wrestling with Pigs is Muddy

Never wrestle with pigs. You both get muddy, and the pig kind of likes it.

But, there’s an exception to every rule, and this weeks exception relates to combating the American Hunters and Shooters Association. As we write about on AmmoLand.com this week, this group is the shammiest of shammy-sham-sham organizations. Their name and mission statements imply that they are out to protect the rights of shooters and hunters, but their real mission is just the opposite.

That’s OK though. We’ve got a strategy to deal with this. We’re starting our very own shammy-sham-sham political organization called the Legislative Institute Against Redneck Shooters, or LIARS for short. It’s brilliant. In our opinion anyway.

Read all about it at AmmoLand.com.


Pennsylvania Castle Doctrine Bill At Risk Due To Shortage Of Castles

Druim Moir Castle

Druim Moir Castle

York, PA – Close on the heels of a Pennsylvania House 161-35 vote, the state’s new Castle Doctrine Bill is already at risk of failure. Not due to Governor Ed Rendell’s threat of veto, but from a more insurmountable hurdle – a severe shortage of qualified castles in the state.

According to unnamed authorities, the Keystone State only has 29 qualified castles. “You would think that as the Keystone State, we would have plenty of castles” complained Henry Thaytth, Director of Development for Pennsylvania’s Castle Development Commission. “After all, the word keystone does sort of imply castle-like buildings and other large things built from rocks.”

Authorities in the Pennsylvania Department of Castle Numerology and Naming concede that the state is light on castle doctrine locations. “Yes, we’re behind the curve, and its true that 8 of our castles are unnamed at this point and one of them is really just a kids playhouse” stated Thaytth. “But look on the bright side, we’ve got castles with really European sounding names like Druim Moir, Ballytore, and Glencairn. Most chicks are impressed by that when I tell them.”

White Castle Restaurant

White Castle Restaurant

The state has recently implemented controversial efforts to up its castle count by including White Castle locations. Many are opposed to this practice on principle only, as the state currently does not have any White Castle Restaurants. “I can’t really discuss the details of our negotiations with the state” commented White Castle CFO Gordon Gecko. “Let’s just say that what’s worth doing is worth doing for money. By the way, if you need a friend, get a dog.”

Potential Gun Crime Increases 15% in Massachusetts

CrimeThe number of gun permits surged 15% over the past two years according to The Boston Globe, creating near perfect conditions for increasing the state’s criminal population. With the addition of 28,000 Class A firearms permits, commonly called a “license to carry,” Massachusetts now has over 224,000 newly minted criminals in training.

Some questioned the connection between gun permit holders and crime. “Do you really think a permit alone qualifies these people as criminals?” asked one citizen. “It takes years of incarceration to learn the tricks of the trade and none of these folks have never seen the inside of the slammer. I think this is really going to bring down the quality level of our average hoodlum.”

But police officials generally disagree. “Look, if these people were really law abiding, why would they want to own and carry a gun?” asked Boston Police Captain Patrick O’Malley. “We’re just thankful that they are generally docile and easier to arrest. If we have to arrest people anyway, I would much rather that person be an accountant or housewife rather than a gang banger or street thug.”

Most agree that the surge in permit activity will yield much needed economic benefits by decreasing criminal unemployment and swelling the ranks of state and county law enforcement.

“We’re thrilled about the fresh crop of citizens to rough up.” said Harry Callahan, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Office of Public Safety. “We’re going to have to hire at least 750 new officers statewide to harass these folks.”

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