In an apparent effort to address its faltering public image head on, the agency formerly known as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) is changing its name.
Constantly fighting public perception that the agency is hiding its true mission with ambiguous smoke and mirror tactics, BATFE is making a bold move to meet its critics directly. Under a new mandate by Attorney General Eric Holder, the agency will now be called Brazenly Arming Thousands of Foreign Evildoers, thereby keeping the familiar acronym BATFE in order to minimize confusion during the transition process.
The new logo, to be released later this week, was reportedly designed by the Los Angeles design firm of Sarandon, Fonda, and Penn. Prominently featured on the new logo are guns, drugs, and a silhouette of Mexico – features all designed to help portray the agency’s primary mission. An unnamed and recently promoted BATFE spokesperson asked that all further questions be addressed to the DC legal firm of Holder and Holder.
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In a move to divert public and media scrutiny from itself, to itself, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms announced new reporting restrictions today.
The new regulations will require ATF bureaucrats in four border states, California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas, to file new reports with themselves each time they illegally send more than 2 high-powered, semi-automatic rifles across the border within a 5 day period.
“This just stinks,” complained Special Agent In Charge, Phoenix Field Office Michael Bloomberg. “Do you have any idea how much this new measure will slow down my efforts?”
The move is expected to create tens of thousands of new reports yearly. Some question the ATF’s ability to handle the deluge of new paperwork. “Just great,” continued Bloomberg. “So now I ship some guns, then fill out yet another form, then file it in my own inbox. To make matters worse, I have to then process it and put it in my outbox. How crazy is that?
Asked about his opinion on the new ATF self-reporting regulations, Attorney General Eric Holder commented “I frankly don’t know.”
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