In an apparent effort to address its faltering public image head on, the agency formerly known as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) is changing its name.
Constantly fighting public perception that the agency is hiding its true mission with ambiguous smoke and mirror tactics, BATFE is making a bold move to meet its critics directly. Under a new mandate by Attorney General Eric Holder, the agency will now be called Brazenly Arming Thousands of Foreign Evildoers, thereby keeping the familiar acronym BATFE in order to minimize confusion during the transition process.
The new logo, to be released later this week, was reportedly designed by the Los Angeles design firm of Sarandon, Fonda, and Penn. Prominently featured on the new logo are guns, drugs, and a silhouette of Mexico – features all designed to help portray the agency’s primary mission. An unnamed and recently promoted BATFE spokesperson asked that all further questions be addressed to the DC legal firm of Holder and Holder.
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In a bold move today, the Treasury Department announced plans to honor ATF Operation Fast and Furious ringleaders on new US currency. Promoted to Special Assistant to the Assistant Director of the agency’s Office of Management for his pivotal role in enabling the murder of at least one US Government agent and hundreds of Mexican civilians, Agent William Newell will be the first to be recognized – appearing on $100 bills later this fall.
“We felt it appropriate to launch this memorial program with the $100 bill as it is the currency of choice for drug kingpins,” commented Assistant US Treasury Secretary George Soros. “Most of the guns we let run into Mexico were in fact purchased with $100 bills so it just seemed kind of appropriate. Plus I like carrying a lot of hundreds around – it makes me feel more elite.”
The new move is not without controversy. “What do I have to do to get on the money?” complained notorious New York investment scam artist Bernie Madoff. “I mean I didn’t directly kill anyone, but my actions were much more closely tied to money and stuff like that. Sheesh!”
Many insiders agree that the move will help stifle further investigation of embattled ATF leadership figures. “We hope to associate these patriotic ATF agents with happy things people do with their money, like buying candy, cocaine, and beer” explained Attorney General Eric Holder. “That way, they will be far less supportive of ugly things like congressional inquiries and such.”
While dates are not firm, the Treasury plans to release new $20 and $50 bills featuring ATF agents William G. McMahon and David Voth early this winter.
In a move to divert public and media scrutiny from itself, to itself, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms announced new reporting restrictions today.
The new regulations will require ATF bureaucrats in four border states, California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas, to file new reports with themselves each time they illegally send more than 2 high-powered, semi-automatic rifles across the border within a 5 day period.
“This just stinks,” complained Special Agent In Charge, Phoenix Field Office Michael Bloomberg. “Do you have any idea how much this new measure will slow down my efforts?”
The move is expected to create tens of thousands of new reports yearly. Some question the ATF’s ability to handle the deluge of new paperwork. “Just great,” continued Bloomberg. “So now I ship some guns, then fill out yet another form, then file it in my own inbox. To make matters worse, I have to then process it and put it in my outbox. How crazy is that?
Asked about his opinion on the new ATF self-reporting regulations, Attorney General Eric Holder commented “I frankly don’t know.”
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