In a surprise announcement today the London 2012 Olympic Committee has reached a compromise on accommodation of the fifteen scheduled shooting competitions at this summers’ games.
“Our panties have been in a wad like you wouldn’t believe” complained Neville Wiltchamberlain, Minister of Irrational Worrywarting. “We thought it would be awesome to have the Olympics here in London until we found out that guns would be involved in some of the events.”
Earlier in the year, the London Olympic Committee attempted to minimize attendance to the shooting competitions by excluding them from the 175,000 tickets distributed free to schoolchildren. “Can you image the trauma our country would have had to deal with if the children, yes children, saw .22 calibre competition shooting pistols and rifles?” queried Wiltchamberlain. “Next thing you know, they would have wanted us to re-legalize Nerf guns!”
Fortunately, with the aid of a Japanese crisis mitigation consultant, a compromise was reached. Instead of using real guns and shooting at targets, competitors will compete with Origami guns. As origami guns don’t actually fire projectiles, competitors will be timed on how quickly they can re-fold NRA membership brochures into paper pistols. A panel of judges from The United Kingdom, France, and Chicago will score contestants on style and efficient use of paper.
“This is a much better example for the children” explained Wiltchamberlain.
Mayors Against Illegal Guns (MAIG) spokesperson Senator Al Franken announced today formation of a new political organization – Mayors Against Legal Governing, or MALG.
Inspiration for the spinoff organization came out of a recent emergency meeting called to address the problem of inordinate numbers of MAIG members running afoul of the law. Since it’s formation in 2006, MAIG has suffered a rash of embarrassing incidents where member Mayors have been arrested, convicted, and even jailed for a broad variety of crimes.
“I mean everyone knows that we don’t play by the same rules as common people. We finally decided, hey, why the secrecy? Let’s just be out in the open about it and organize and embrace the lawlessness,” noted MAIG and MALG Founder New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
MALG organizers stress the importance of planning and metrics to success of their long term mission. ”The pro-second amendment crowd likes to use lot’s of fancy statistics to prove things, so we decided we needed to whip up some of our own,” explained MALG organizer Bloomberg.
Inside sources indicate that Mayors Against Legal Governing is trying to make sure that have equal representation from all sorts of lawless behavior. So far, members have compiled an impressive list of illicit behaviors including Campaign Finance Scandal, Bribery, Counterfeiting, Domestic Abuse, Extortion, Money Laundering, Miscellaneous Corruption, Falsifying Evidence, Double-Secret Federal Charges, and Child Pornography.
“While we’re off to an impressive start, we’ve got some real gaps in the areas of armed robbery, impersonation of clergy, and nude Llama wrestling,” observed Mayor Bloomberg. “If you know anyone, please give them my number.
“Originally we wanted to keep this organization exclusive and only allow membership to Mayors who are actual convicted felons or those who were in the process of being convicted,” explained Mayor Bloomberg. “But we’re really making a renewed effort to be inclusive so we’re going consider adding Mayors with Misdemeanors to the group.”