Half-Cocked: Obama Phones and Holder Guns

Half-Cocked: Obama Phones and Holder Guns

Even A Fart Has Benefits: Dealing With Gun Control Arguments

Even a fart has benefits. Gun debate.

Now that civil debate has gone the way of Sony Walkman cassette players, just remember this:

Even a fart has benefits.

In fact, it’s hard to imagine something that has no benefit whatsoever. Mosquitos? Yeah, they’re part of the food chain and they keep the OFF! Deep Woods people employed. Former Congressman Anthony Weiner? Why he singlehandedly made Twitter interesting for at least a month. And apparently he’s going to be the gift that keeps on giving now that he wants to run for Mayor of New York.

The hysteria over gun control exceeds that of the first nine rows of floor seats at a Justin Bieber concert. (Tweet This)

And its only going to get worse as Congress has (at least temporarily) shelved Hypocrite of Epic Proportion Feinstein’s new gun and magazine ban legislation.

You’ll continue to hear “common sense” arguments, mostly from Piers Morgan, but also from some of the other Mouseketeers on NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, and CNN.

What you won’t hear, however, is the other side of these “common sense” arguments.

After all, someone smart and famous, like New Boy King Bloomberg once said something like “every action has a reaction.” Or maybe it was Bill Nye the Science Guy.

In any case, things tend to have two sides. Arguments, decisions, discussions, 45 single records and of course, politicians.

In other words, every decision has pros and cons to consider. Drawbacks and benefits.

Like a 45 record (for those of you younger folks, 45 records are kind of like harpsichords) every “common sense” gun control talking point has two sides.

Con: If a gun control measure can save just one life, isn’t it worth it?

Pro: What if some measure saves one life, but results in thousands more being lost? Oh never mind, that’s not a “what if” question. Somewhere north of one million people per year use guns to protect themselves from a violent crime.

Con: Guns killed (fill in the number of your choice) people last year!

Pro: Yeah, but most of them were bad. In fact, numerous studies find that upwards of 75% of gun related murder victims have previous criminal records. Perhaps that ought to be factored into the debate? You can also factor in the previous discussion point here. How many people were saved by using a gun last year?

Con: Guns only have one purpose! To kill people!

Pro: Seriously? Well it’s good to know that police carry guns for the sole purpose of killing people! Obviously this is not the case. But just for discussion’s sake, let’s suppose that’s true. Isn’t it intellectually dishonest to assume that a gun’s only purpose is to kill innocent people? Do you not consider the scenario of a gun killing someone who is trying to kill an innocent person?

Con: You want teachers to be able to carry a guns? What if one goes off???

Pro: Guess what? When teachers with concealed carry permits are disarmed at the front door, bad things DO happen. Can we have a rational discussion that considers evidence of “accidents” or concealed carry permittees suddenly going crazy versus documented uses that stop violent attacks?

We could go on all day about gun control arguments. The important thing is to insist on considering all sides of an issue before forming opinion, and especially policy.

Because everything has at least one benefit.

Even a fart.

A Second Amendment Fairy Tale…

A Second Amendment Fairy Tale

Once upon a time…

In a faraway land called Murrica, there was a great struggle, lasting many days and nights. You see, the settlers of Murrica were tormented by an insatiable and covetous evil troll known as George Threepence. While George lived across the great waters, in the hinterlands, he insisted on taxing the settlers with many fees and regulations. After all, he did not get the name George Threepence for his generosity.

Fed up with overzealous overdraft fees and parking tickets without representation, the villagers of Murrica were desperate to be free of the troll. They called upon a new leader, George Chiseled-Face for help. George Chiseled-Face had a plan. He knew that the good people of Murrica were well schooled in the use of magic kablooey powder and many of them maintained stores of it for their personal protection and other uses.

Without delay, George Chiseled-Face rode throughout the land of Murrica, yelling at the top of his lungs, “Militia! Militia! That means you – all you settlers of Murrica!” And it was in this way, that the people of Murrica had determined to organize themselves into a fighting force to oust George Threepence, the troll. For the people did not trust big armies like George the troll had. They preferred to call themselves up to service and yell “Militia!” with great enthusiasm as needs arose. It was most exhilarating!

Using their wits, a collection of farm animals and copious quantities of magic kablooey powder, the good people of Murrica, led by George Chiseled-Face and many fair and white-wigged princes, fought battle after battle with troll George’s Red Socks, until finally forcing them out at home plate.

Knowing the great responsibility that comes with independence, the settlers of Murrica began referring to themselves as citizens, believing that “serfs” and “settlers” were unbecoming descriptions for freedom-loving Murricans.

One of the first acts of the citizens of Murrica was to write things down on paper. These important ideas and observations were known as The Amendments. Even though the ideas written as The Amendments were thought to be so flipping obvious as not to need writing down, some of the older citizens knew better. Having fought trolls, gnomes and a few goblins in the past, the elder statesmen knew that some future idiot would try to change things because he thought he was really smart. Being very wise, all the citizens agreed on a bunch of Amendments over pizza, chicken wings and 14 gallons of hard cider.

The new citizens of Murrica knew the importance of being able to protect themselves against future trolls – whether said trolls came from across one of the great ponds, or from within. So they made it very clear that, forever and always, citizens of Murrica would maintain their stocks of magic kablooey powder.

This idea was so important to them that they wrote it down second, just after the idea about making sure they could always speak and write things down. This second idea, about keeping other people’s grubby mitts off their magic kablooey powder, came to be known as the Second Amendment.

Many years went by and the citizens of Murrica suffered growing pains, a few wars and the invention of the Shake Weight. But all in all, the Murricans had developed a pretty good system of government.

During this time, most Murrican citizens never forgot the importance of The Amendments, especially the second one. They knew that George Chiseled-Face and his assemblage of white-wigged princes did exceptionally well on the SAT tests and had provided them with wise and timeless governing principles.

Over the years, the industrious Murricans developed many wonderful uses for magic kablooey powder. Like making beautiful light displays in the sky. They learned how to harvest wild animals to make bacon and roast beef using the magical kablooey powder. They even developed sporting contests using magic kablooey powder. While these other activities with magic kablooey powder were interesting and useful, the citizens never forgot the real reason that magic kablooey powder was protected by the Second Amendment. For it had enabled them to gain and maintain their freedom from the penurious and irritable troll, George.

From time to time, a bold gnome or troll would pretend to be a Murrican citizen and try to erase some of The Amendments. Fortunately Murricans were a pretty independent bunch, and TV had not been invented just yet, so they had numerous hours of free time. They paid attention to current events and stopped these trolls and gnomes right in their tracks. During those times, it sure was hard to fool a Murrican citizen.

Years had passed since the last insidious internal troll infiltration, and some citizens has forgotten the importance of The Amendments. And of course, by this time, none of them were alive when Murricans lived under the oppressive troll-thumb of George Threepence. During this time, shows like “I Dream of Jeanie” and “American Idol” were invented and this caused many Murrican citizens to succumb to a trance-like state of unawareness and apathy.

Just then, a charming new boy king was crowned in Murrica’s capitol city of Deesee. While some Murricans were suspicious, many were entranced by his spell and ability to read poems from magical glass screen crystals. He filled his court with all manner of trolls, gnomes, goblins and even a few fairies. And all of them lived high on the pork in the glamorous capitol city of Deesee.

The new king also enjoyed the services of many court jesters who would do and say outrageous things in hopes of getting a few minutes of airtime on XBCNN, the boy king’s personal scribe network.

Alas, the boy king encountered many difficulties as the land of Murrica was in turbulent times. Murrica had maxed out its Capitol One Murrica Card and rather than make minimum payments, the boy king decided to take out payday signature loans.

The bottom line was that the land faced a serious shortage of doubloons – and this caused great consternation. Citizens were lined up like never before at the boy king’s court, demanding lower taxes, jobs and cell phones. Something had to be done! After all, the citizens of Murrica were not happy, and the king remembered that citizens in Murrica had magic kablooey powder. He was concerned that the citizens would revolt, as they did against George Threepence. The king decided to enlist the help of his court jesters to solve the problem.

The boy king’s jesters studied the problem for many suns and moons. They even consulted the Oracle of Soros, but the Oracle of Soros was too busy straddling hedges to be of much help.

Suddenly, the king’s prized magical talking donkey, Joseph, came up with an idea! “Perhaps we could disarm the angry citizens before they get entirely too upset! We could get our sorcerers to cast a spell on our subjects to make them believe that we’re taking control of the magic kablooey powder for their own good and safety! But of course, we will have all the magic powder. This will allow us to do what we think is best for the citizens without interference.”

The king was smart, and also a little bit sneaky, and thought Joseph the magical talking donkey had a wonderful plan.

The king proclaimed “Joseph! Gather all the other asses and implement this plan immediately! I will reward you greatly by allowing you to dine at my table with the minstrels from the western lands of Follywood Forest. They love to visit the royal palace and will entertain us and possibly stroke our egos. Perhaps the minstrels will assist you in your quest by making cheesy public service announcements!”

So Joseph went to work. First, he enlisted the help of some of his must trusted Rose Garden Gnomes. Sir Joe ManlyChin and Prince Patsy TooEasilyInfluenced were chosen to enlist the support of the majority of the Council of Inaction magistrates.  Joseph knew that he could also rely on the magical powers of fossilized bones buried deep in the Council Chambers. Legends bespeak that the bones are the remains of an ancient hobgoblin, Harry the Misleader, believed to be a founding troll of the Council of Inaction. The legends also say Harry’s bones would rattle occasionally during times of great political opportunity.

Joseph realized that not many people would listen to a magical talking ass, and knew that he needed to call upon the most enchanting sorcerers from the Teevee territories. He quickly dispatched his elves to locate them. After following a trail of New York Times clippings and Panera Bread crumbs, the elves found three of the most powerful sorcerers: WereWolf Blitzkrieg from the province of Concoction Narration Network, Boy Prince-in-Waiting Pierpont Morganstern and a sputtering goblin known as LudiChris Matt-P-U.

All had proven microphone-mojo magical powers of hysteria and would be most helpful with Joseph’s quest. Joseph then asked the sorcerers to concoct enchantment fables, potions and mystical moving pictures that would entrance, entertain, and numb the citizens into a perpetual state of blissful unawareness. So they did.

The king had much power, in his own mind, but knew that he would need to enlist the full cooperation of the Council of Inaction. For if the Council of Inaction agreed to the plan, the citizens would certainly not doth protest too much.

The big day of the Council of Inaction vote arrived, and the king, his court and all the Rose Garden Gnomes, trolls, sorcerers and minstrels were most joyful, as the boy king’s plans had never been thwarted.

But little did the king’s court understand that a gallant prince, Robin LaPierre and his band of Merry Riflemen, had been hard at work. Robin and his Merry Riflemen not only had knowledge of the magic kablooey powder, but even more importantly understood the powerful magic of the internet. For the internet had mystical power to shatter the sorcerers enchantment spells and deliver scrolls of truth to the citizens. While many citizens succumbed to the sorcerers moving picture spells, and continued watching reruns of The Bachelorette, a great multitude were able to see through the boy king’s evil plot.

Late in the day, the Council withdrew to the secret chambers to consider the king’s proclamation. Imagine the boy king’s surprise when many of his magistrates on the Council of Inaction defied his instructions! He stormed and stomped and made vile threats of retribution. But the good citizens of Murrica were not afraid. For they knew that with the magic kablooey powder came freedom and independence.

To this very day, the boy king and his trolls, Rose Garden Gnomes and other insidious villains try to thwart the well-being of the citizens of Murrica. But they remain vigilant and sure, thanks to The Second Amendment.

Half-Cocked: NY SAFE Act Magazine Limits In Effect

NY State Safe Act Magazine Limits

Half-Cocked: The Ironic Racism of Gun Control

The Ironic Racism of Gun Control

Top 5 Reasons to Own a Gun

1. Because you can’t (legally) poke Michael Bloomberg in the eye.

But you can figuratively, by exercising your Second Amendment right. Every time someone guys a gun, a bell rings. Wait a sec, that’s not right. Every time a bell rings, Chuck Schumer sprouts bat wings. No, hang on, we’ll get it. Every time someone buys a gun, one of the Mayors Against Legal Governing commits another crime. That’s close enough for government work… Do you want to know why Dianne Feinstein and Bloomie (allegedly) wear Depends? Because Second Amendment, that’s why!

Lots of guns - rifles, pistols, ar15

Buy a gun. Better yet, several.

2. Because the MK-19 Automatic Grenade Launcher is too heavy.

It’s a crew served weapon after all and generally takes 3 people to move and operate it. The gun itself if a whopping 72 pounds. The tripod adds another 44 pounds, and the small and large ammo cans are 42 and 60 pounds respectively. Plus the large ammo belt of 40mm grenades has recently been banned in New York and Colorado. While the blast radius offers excellent self-defense capability, it’s hard on the back, surrounding buildings and low flying aircraft.

3. Because Uncle Sam says so.

No, not Uncle Barack. Uncle Sam. No, not the bearded guy in the World War II posters. I mean Uncle Sam Adams. You know, the guy who invented beer. Oh, and he also proposed this verbiage for U.S. Constitution ratification at the Massachusetts convention: “And that the said Constitution be never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.”

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

4. Nothing opens a jar of grape jelly like a .357 Sig hollow point.

Forget those rubber pads and Black and Decker electric jar openers. Try opening your condiments with gusto and plenty of drama! Because YOLO…

5. Because you can.

You have a God-given, not government granted right to protect yourself and your loved ones. It’s as simple as that.

It’s Time To Stop ‘Thinking’ About Gun Control

Gun Control in the mainstream mediaIt’s time to stop thinking. About what might happen with or without new gun control measures.

The 24 hours news digital sphincter spasm continues to slather us all with lots and lots of thoughtless thinking and careless conjecture. Think what might happen if… I think… Most Americans think… I think I’ll have another beer… What is the NRA thinking… The United Nations thinks… I think Dancing with the Stars is on tonight… Most of our representatives in Washington think… No wait, I think we ought to scratch that last one. Most of our representatives do not think much past the next “So You Think You Can Smile!” audition.

Why are we still thinking about things?

I think there’s no place for guns in schools!

  • We know that Utah allows guns in schools.
  • We know that Utah is still waiting on its first mass school shooting.
  • We know that over 200 colleges and universities already allow lawful concealed carry on campus.
  • We know that none of those institutions have suffered catastrophic attacks like the ones in Newtown, Columbine, or Virginia Tech.
  • We know that all mass shooting incidents in the past 50 years, except one, have happened in areas where guns are not allowed.

I think it’s a bad idea to arm teachers!

  • We know we don’t want to force all teachers to be armed. We simply want those who choose to defend themselves and their students not to lose that fundamental right when they enter school property.
  • We know that Israel has had some percentage of armed teachers since 1974.
  • We know that most Israeli schools have armed security.
  • We know that is has kept their students safer in perhaps one of the most dangerous neighborhoods on planet earth.
  • We know that attacks on Israeli schools have been attempted by trained terrorists, not cowards that almost always end their own life as soon as they are challenged.
  • We know that challenging these cowards immediately almost always stops them immediately.

I think we shouldn’t have to live in a world where people have to have guns.

  • We know that we do in fact live in a world like that.
  • We know that there are sick and evil people out there.
  • We know because we hear about them on the news every single day.
  • We know they continue to do evil things regardless of laws.
  • We know that the very definition of “criminal” is one who breaks laws.
  • We know that burying our heads in the sand and hoping things will be better because they should be will not save one single life.

I think that some sort of gun ban is a good idea.

  • We know the last one didn’t lower crime at all.
  • We know that crime didn’t increase when it expired.
  • We know that there is not one example of gun control policy lowering violent crime.
  • We know that the most recent countries to implement drastic gun control have suffered serious increases in violent crime.
  • We know that women are 2 times more likely to be raped in the UK than in the US.
  • We know that women in Australia are 3 times more likely to be raped than women in the US.
  • We know that total murders in the UK have increased since the gun ban took effect in January 1997.
  • We know that in only 1 year have there been fewer murders in the UK after the handgun ban than before the handgun ban.
  • We know that the UK has a violent crime rate 3.5 times greater than that of the US.
  • We know that folks in the UK are having serious discussion about banning kitchen knives because the guns bans have not reduced crime.
  • We know that banning kitchen knives will make English food even worse.
  • We know that one definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, but hoping for a different result.

I think magazines ought to be limited to 5 rounds.

  • We know that law enforcement officers, military personnel, and citizen survivors of gunfights have found that hyped-up bad guys don’t necessarily feel compelled to stop doing what they’re doing after 5 shots have been fired towards them.
  • We know bad guys doing bad things don’t travel alone.
  • We know more and more bad guys are wearing body armor to protect themselves against unarmed or lightly armed victims.
  • I know that if my home is invaded in the middle of the night that I will want a 2,530,371 round magazine handy. And a couple of spares.
  • We know that our soldiers have complained that actual Assault Rifles don’t have enough power to reliably stop enemy combatants.
  • We know that limiting magazines to some arbitrary capacity based on perceived need is about the stupidest suggestion ever.

I think we need to address gun violence!

  • We know we need to address violence. Not gun violence. Violence.
  • We know we are not somehow better off or morally superior if we are killed with a knife, bat, or fist as compared to a gun.
  • We know we are equally dead no matter what the cause.
  • We know that the term “gun violence” is a deliberate attempt to misrepresent and mislead from the very real, and hard to solve, issues of societal evil.
  • We know that violence is a difficult thing to solve so people tend to want to take shortcuts in order to consider things “fixed.”

I think you’re crazy if you think more guns is the answer to violence!

  • We know that record numbers of Americans are buying guns for protection.
  • We know that there are almost 300 million guns in the United States.
  • We know that violent crime, measured by the FBI as incidents per 100,000 people, has fallen 50% in the past 20 years.
  • We know that murder, measured by the FBI as incidents per 100,000 people, has fallen 54% over the past 20 years.
  • We know that these massive and steady decreases in crime have happened while more and more Americans are buying guns.
  • We know that simply blaming guns is deliberate shirking from the harder problem of addressing the real causes of crime.

I don’t think anyone needs a high-powered Assault Weapon!

  • We know that there is no such thing as an assault weapon.
  • We know that if you ask an “assault weapon ban” proponent what an “assault weapon” is, that they will not be able to tell you.
  • We know, again according to the FBI, that many times more murders are committed with simple beatings than rifles of any kind.
  • We know that banning mythical “assault weapons” will not stop murders by beating.
  • We know that banning mythical “assault weapons” will not save lives. The largest mass murders ever had nothing to do with mythical “assault weapons.” People do bad things with or without mythical “assault weapons.”

I think armed citizens are going to act like vigilantes and cause even more harm!

  • We know that lawfully armed citizens are among the most law-abiding groups of people measurable.
  • We know that the crime rate for concealed carry permit holders is 14 times less than that of the general population.
  • We know that lawfully armed citizens are 5 times less likely to commit a violent crime than the average citizen.

I think I have an irrational fear of guns and want a simple and immediate fix to the problems of violence.

  • We know. We want to continue to reduce violence also.
  • We know there is no simple fix.
  • We know that we don’t fear guns. They’re just tools that protect someone from crime and/or violence between 1 and 2.5 million times per year – just in the US.
  • We know that we kind of like the direction of the crime trend over the past 20 years and want to continue that. We just want to be smart about how we do it.

It’s time to stop thinking about what might happen.

It’s time to know what does happen. 

P.S. I know I’m going to vomit if I hear one more talking head tell me what they think without considering what we already know.

Half-Cocked: Obama Announces New Gun Control Plan In Hometown Chicago

Half-Cocked: Obama Announces New Gun Control Plan In Hometown Of Chicago

Hypocrisy and Hollywood d00dz

Facebook conversation Hollywood Hypocrisy

London Olympic Games to Debut Origami Pistol Competition

In a surprise announcement today the London 2012 Olympic Committee has reached a compromise on accommodation of the fifteen scheduled shooting competitions at this summers’ games.

“Our panties have been in a wad like you wouldn’t believe” complained Neville Wiltchamberlain, Minister of Irrational Worrywarting. “We thought it would be awesome to have the Olympics here in London until we found out that guns would be involved in some of the events.”

Earlier in the year, the London Olympic Committee attempted to minimize attendance to the shooting competitions by excluding them from the 175,000 tickets distributed free to schoolchildren. “Can you image the trauma our country would have had to deal with if the children, yes children, saw .22 calibre competition shooting pistols and rifles?” queried Wiltchamberlain. “Next thing you know, they would have wanted us to re-legalize Nerf guns!”

Fortunately, with the aid of a Japanese crisis mitigation consultant, a compromise was reached. Instead of using real guns and shooting at targets, competitors will compete with Origami guns. As origami guns don’t actually fire projectiles, competitors will be timed on how quickly they can re-fold NRA membership brochures into paper pistols. A panel of judges from The United Kingdom, France, and Chicago will score contestants on style and efficient use of paper.

“This is a much better example for the children” explained Wiltchamberlain.