Breaking News: The late Charlton Heston has stepped forward to volunteer to serve as Special Prosecutor in the explosive Fast and Furious scandal. Mr. Heston brushed off stunned observers who were quite surprised at the actor and former NRA President’s entry back into the political scene and even more shocked at his apparent resurrection.
“Heck, Zombies rise from the dead all the time. It’s not that big a deal really. And this is a darn tooting’ good reason if there ever was one,” observed the late Mr. Heston.
Mr. Heston elaborated on his decision and explained that he was pretty sure that Fast and Furious and the resulting cover-up broke most of The Ten Commandments and maybe more. “I got to be pretty knowledgeable about those rules during an old movie role years back you know.”
Asked for his reaction to the news, Attorney General Holder stated “I don’t know.” Pressed for additional detail, Holder admitted “That guy scares me. Especially now that he’s dead.”
Insiders indicate that Mr. Heston is committed to the project and will remain undead for as long as it takes to get to the bottom of the GunWalker scandal. According to Heston’s remains, “I may be dead, but I’m not about to stand for this! These guys are going to have to pry this job from my cold, dead hands! Oh, wait a minute, my hands are cold and dead. Whatever.”
As part of our community service sentence resulting from incessant teasing and general display of ill will towards the TSA (here, here, here, and here) and a recent airport altercation, we’re promoting a free quick reference guide to common terminology used by anti-gun rights organizations.
OK fine. If you really must know, on a recent trip to Audubon, Iowa to see Albert the Bull (The World’s Largest Concrete Bull and considered by many to represent the perfect Hereford), we were directed into the ‘get cancer while people take nude photos of you‘ scanner. Being good patriots, we resisted this invasion on our privacy and cellular reproductive capacity and were subjected to a manual ding-a-ling massage therapy session. Once cleared, and after a quick smoke, our TSA agent requested ‘a little something extra‘ for his services. We were insulted as we’ve never paid for it in our lives and we weren’t about to start now. One thing led to another, hurtful things were said, and here we are, writing public service announcements as penance.
Enough about the mile-high club at sea level – let’s get to the important and informative educational content. Organizations such as The Brady Campaign, The Violence Policy Center, and the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence, use a lot of fancy words and sound bites to convince folks that their fairy sheep-toast ideas will create a hope and change filled society of love, harmony, free kiwi fruit and tambourine festivals. Here’s a list of the more common words and phrases along with handy real-english definitions to help you understand what’s good for you.
|Anti-Gun Terminology Quick Reference Guide|
|Common Sense Gun Laws||Total disarmament followed by spaying or neutering as appropriate. More information on common sense gun laws here.|
|Law Abiding Citizens||Satan and his minions. If you’re reading this, you’re a minion. Start acting the part will you?|
|The Police chief is opposed to this pro-gun legislation||It’s re-election time and he or she has not managed to reduce crime on their watch. A new scapegoat is desperately needed and the next Blame Someone Else Day is not until January 13, 2012.|
|Assault weapons||All guns, regardless of form factor or function. Air guns, toy guns, and squirt guns are not necessarily excluded from this classification.|
|Assault Weapon Ban||Complete disarmament followed by an encore happy-fun neutering festival. See Common sense gun laws above.|
|Second Amendment||That pesky 200 year old slice of tree bark that prevents formation of a progressive dictatorship that will be good for us. Really, it will.|
|Gun Crime / Gun Violence||If you’re going to get mugged, assaulted, raped, or murdered, make sure that your attacker is using a gun. If they assault, rape, or kill you with some other implement than a gun, it doesn’t count and your status as a victim is greatly diminished. You will definitely not be invited to Victim Recovery Programs and other fun and exciting social events.|
|Gun Lobby||Usually refers to the main entrance of Cabelas and other large outdoor retailers. According to many of our pusillanimous politicians, gun lobbies are evil. Better use the back door next time you visit a gun store.|
|National Rifle Association||The ultimate manifestation of guilt by ‘association.’|
|Campus Concealed Weapons / Guns on Campus||A legislative movement that will force underage college students to wantonly fire assault weapons at cute baby squirrels while performing keg stands.|
|Gun Show Loophole||A mystical portal located in the netherlands of Narnia.|
|Victim||Any person who sees a pistol, rifle, or squirt gun in the hands of anyone other than a duly authorized United Nations World Peace Officer.|
In a Department of Homeland Security press conference today, Secretary Janet Napolitano announced sweeping new additions to the nations security network. As part of the recent efforts to broaden security measures to venues other than TSA major transportation hubs, the Secretary unveiled the latest in portable body scan technology – the Porta Porn Scan 3000 system.
Jointly developed and manufactured by detection system manufacturing partners Rapiscan Systems and L-3 Security and Detection Systems, the Porta Porn Scan 3000 enables government employees to ogle your junk in nearly any location nationwide. The Porta Porn Scan 3000 is packaged entirely in nearly ordinary looking glasses, thereby eliminating the need for suspects to ‘spread-em’ in large radiation emitting machinery. Offered at the government contract rate of $1 plus $.25 shipping COD, the Porn Scans will be broadly available to most federal employees.
“We’ve got Wal-Mart employees watching you, so the next logical step is to allow your mail carrier, IRS agent, and DMV clerk to check your booty for any suspicious materials” stated Napolitano. “Of course this really really ramps up the effectiveness of our Wal-Mart program as well. Now the greeters will have a fair opportunity to check out people’s junk as they enter the store.”
Some remain skeptical about the potential effectiveness of the Porta Porn Scan 3000 eyeglasses. Pointing to studies indicating a 70% failure rate of existing advanced imaging scan systems, economist John Lott asks “Really, how can technology costing $1.25 delivered be expected to reliably detect any form of threat?”
When pressed to respond to growing criticism, Napolitano offered the following explanation. “We’re quite confident in this technology. We’ve seen and studied the ads quite carefully. Besides, there’s a money back guarantee, so we’re covered either way.”