Headin’ On Down To Shooty-ville… LuckyGunner Blogger Shoot

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LuckyGunner Blogger Shoot Sponsors

The crack investigative team at My Gun Culture has gained access to an operation so secret it is known to few outside the gun blogging community. And those who don’t know, but find out, will have to be killed. Or at least power-wedgied.

According to our unnamed inside sources, LuckyGunner.com, in conjunction with Magtech, Sellier & Bellot, and RangeMaster, will be hosting a full-blown-full-auto-explosive-shooty-up-bang-bang festival over Memorial Day weekend. While the location is secret, many believe it will take place at Area 51, aka Dreamland.

In addition to free tactical pistol and shotgun training from RangeMaster, attendees will be testing large amounts of free ammunition in most common calibers – all provided by Magtech, Sellier & Bellot and LuckyGunner.com.

These companies may sound familiar as there has been much speculation that LuckyGunner provided the MagTech and Sellier & Bellot ammunition recently used during the Osama Bin Laden raid. No word as to whether Seal Team 6 will be in attendance. If they choose to attend, it’s likely that no one will know anyway.

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Weapons In Attendance

Additionally, participants will be required to shoot the following weapons without (visibly) crying.

Yes, seriously.

As our readers know, we are all about giving. So with great personal sacrifice, we will be attending this event in order to provide full coverage for you.

Our plan as of now is to release to the public photos of this historic event.

Update: On further consideration, we have decided against releasing photos from this event as it is not in the best interest of the country. We need to be sensitive to the considerations of others who are not in attendance and therefore feel ill will towards us. And we are definitely not ones to ‘spike the football‘ so to speak.

Update to the update: On even further consideration, we’ve now figured out that the photos will leak to the public anyway, so we might as well publish them.

If technology allows, we will also attempt to capture the sound of our editor screaming like a little girl when he fires the PAK 38 Anti-Tank field artillery piece.

It’s not just an adventure; it’s a job.

 

Capitol Police and Smithsonian Team On Deficit Reduction Efforts

US Armament 1877 Bulldog Gatling Gun

US Armament 1877 Bulldog Gatling Gun

In a unique approach designed to reduce federal government expenditures, the Capitol Police and Smithsonian National Museum of American History have combined portions of their capital expenditure budgets. The moves are in response to increased pressure from the administration to find deficit reduction opportunities.

“We’ve pretty much been given an edict to save at least $43 on our 2012 budget” lamented Capitol Police Chief Administrative Officer Barney Fife. “We’re taking the country’s deficit reduction program pretty seriously. Of course, salaries and benefits won’t be impacted. Or business lunches and dinners. Or office redecoration programs.”

Fife further outlined the controversial plan in a press conference at the swanky Greenbrier Resort outside of Washington, D.C. “I was having a business dinner with my buddy Francois Toulour over at the Smithsonian and he was griping about not having enough money for new exhibits. And I was telling him that we’ve been struggling to get a new Dillon Aero M134D gatling gun for the Capitol roof. These Tea Party protests might get out of hand you know. Anyway, then an idea came to me – let’s share one!”

While the Smithsonian was not actively seeking a modern, six-barreled, electrically powered, 3,000 round a minute machine gun, they were in the market for an example of early automatic weapon technology. The two departments quickly settled on a compromise purchase – a U.S. Armament 1877 Bulldog Gatling Gun. Under the joint plan, the Capitol Police will maintain possession of the gun Monday through Fridays from 7am until 6pm. It will then be transferred to the Smithsonian for display evenings and weekends. In the event of Glenn Beck rallies or other high-threat conditions, the Capitol Police will maintain possession of the weapon indefinitely.

Fife hopes to negotiate similar arrangements for short-range Coehorn Mortars soon.

 

Cheaper Than Navel Lint Files Chapter 11

Navel Lint Fluff

Navel lint fluff collected by librarian Graham Parker

In a prepared statement released today, upstart online shooting sports discounter Cheaper Than Navel Lint announced that it has filed for bankruptcy protection.

Few industry insiders were surprised today by Cheaper Than Navel Lint’s bankruptcy announcement. While company leaders have always expressed confidence, few outside the firm were optimistic about the company’s ability to compete with established online shooting supplies retailer Cheaper Than Dirt, America’s Ultimate Shooting Sports Discounter.

“We thought we had a really good business model” stated the company’s CEO, Michael Bloomberg. “From day one, our objective was to compete head on with CheaperThanDirt.com. Obviously dirt is pretty cheap, but we thought there was room for improvement. After all, dirt is not free and some people even pay for it. We were pretty optimistic that we could find something even cheaper than dirt and use that as the foundation of our marketing campaign.”

According to early investor, librarian Graham Barker, the idea to form the company came to him after years of collecting his own navel lint. “When the people from the Guinness Book of World Records declared my 26 year old collection of navel lint as the world’s largest, I started thinking about ways to turn a profit from my creepy habits.” stated Barker. “It was pure chance that I met Michael Bloomberg at an infomercial product convention. Once he told me of his search to find something cheaper than dirt, I knew we had the foundation for a great partnership.”

After 18 months of operation, the firm failed to make any product sales, which ultimately led to the bankruptcy filing. “I’m ready to give it another shot” stated an upbeat Bloomberg. “Next time we’ll probably go with a marketing campaign that’s a little less disturbing though.”

GunUp.com Trounces GunDown.com In First Quarter Of Operation

GunUp.com the future of guns online

GunUp.com

Today, GunUp.com CEO Ben Cartwright announced dramatic market share increases over arch-rival GunDown.com. On the companies quarterly analyst call, Cartwright explained that recent research indicates that GunUp.com enjoys a 99.94% market share of the gun enthusiast online community market compared to GunDown’s .06% share.

Admittedly, the competitors have slightly different target audiences. GunUp.com’s mission is to “provide prospective, new, and experienced gun enthusiasts with a one-stop destination to share, discuss, review, and compare guns with confidence.” On the other hand, GunDown.com caters to a more metrosexual audience, including men who wear scarves during the summer, cry during Oprah re-runs, and get periodic bikini waxing. “Our audience is actually more inclusive than that” explained CEO Al Franken. “We cater to all sorts of pantywaists regardless of whether they live in metropolitan areas or not.”

Al Franken Air America

Al Franken Air America

GunUp.com’s market dominance highlights Franken’s second major media failure. Previously, Franken was instrumental in the fall and subsequent bankruptcy of admittedly leftist radio program, Air America. “I don’t know why you guys keep bringing up Air America” whined Franken. “It wasn’t our fault that people didn’t know better than to listen to our program. I bet Rush Limbaugh and the vast right wing conspiracy are behind this GunUp.com thing too. It’s just not fair, and as a United States Senator, I am going to introduce legislation to stop this nonsense.”

GunUp.com anticipates a bright future and has garnered an impressive early following.  “Having perhaps the largest online gun comparison database in the world really helped GunUp.com start an interactive community” explained spokesperson Veronica Corningstone of Laura Burgess Marketing. “We were pretty firm in our belief that having actual data as the foundation of our offering would be of value to our users. Plus, our users can actually read, which has proved to be a tremendous competitive advantage over GunDown.com.”

Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch ‘n Taste Now Available

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Hoppe's Scratch n' Taste - 'aggressive' according to some early customers

Following closely on the heels of the successful release of Hoppe’s No. 9 Air Freshener, Hoppe’s, the gun care people, have announced Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste.

According to Hoppe’s, the No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste is targeted at those who want more than the “olfactory bliss between gun cleanings” offered by the No. 9 Air Freshener product. “It’ll definitely wake you up in the morning” stated company CEO Ben Cartwright.

Hoppes  Air Freshener

Hoppe's No. 9 Air Freshener

Described by early customers as ‘aggressive’ the Scratch n’ Taste is aimed at a relatively small market niche of truly fanatical gun lovers. “We’re really trying to capture the market segment defined by people who actually drink Hoppe’s No. 9 gun cleaner” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing at Hoppe’s. “We figured if people were that dedicated, we ought to provide a safer means of savoring the Hoppe’s experience.”

While admitting that the Hoppe’s taste experience may be expanded in the future, Draper would not comment on rumors  about Hoppe’s No. 9 Breath Mints.

Beretta Introduces Tropical Storm Handgun Line

Beretta Tropical Storm Pistol

Beretta Tropical Storm

Close on the heels of a successful launch of the PX4 Storm Series of pistols in .45 caliber, Beretta today announced an even more innovative lineup – the Tropical Storm Series.

The new pistol design represents a quantum leap in weather harnessing technology according to Ben Cartwright, CEO, Beretta USA. “For centuries, we’ve been developing firearms with energy potential measured in foot-pounds” said Cartwright. “One day while walking my dog Giuseppe in a rainstorm, it occurred to me that we ought to think about harnessing the power of mother nature. When she’s upset, things get crazy.”

While the previous lineup of PX4 pistols used a creative rotating barrel lockup technology to create a strengthened action with reduced recoil, the new Tropical Storm leverages planetary rotational forces for increased power. Tapping into the power of both hot and cold fronts and lunar gravitation, the first model of the new pistol, the Hugo, is rumored to obtain maximum sustained velocity of at least 63 knots.

“The Gulfstream is a pretty dig deal.” said Don Draper, Beretta’s Vice President of Marketing. “That, combined with the earth’s rotation means we don’t have to rifle the barrels – and that results in lower costs that we can pass on to our customers.”

Rumors of the top-secret project have been circulating for months with talk of projects code named Agnes, Bart, and Colin being leaked to the press by an anonymous source highly placed in the National Hurricane Center.

Draper expects the line to evolve quickly. “As soon as we can break the maximum sustained velocity barrier of 74 knots, we would like to upgrade the line. Maybe we’ll name it the Hurricane Storm Series.”

Palm Pistol Deep Sea Submersible Completes Endurance Testing

Palm Pistol Submersible

Palm Pistol Submersible

Earlier this month, Constitution Arms completed endurance testing of its revolutionary new combination Palm Pistol and Miniature Automated Deep Sea Submersible, or MADSS.

The versatile device is expected to serve the emerging market for personal protection while performing deep sea exploration. “As a result of our extensive market research efforts, we’re pretty sure we’ve hit on a unique market” said Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing. “We’ve not been able to identify any competitive offerings that combine a .38 Special single shot firearm with a fully automated submarine exploration unit. It’s definitely unique.”

Constitution Arms Palm Pistol

Constitution Arms Palm Pistol

In preparation for market introduction, the Palm Pistol Submersible completed two rigorous yet distinct testing protocols administered by an unnamed certified ASTM certified non-destructive metallurgic testing laboratory and Sea World of Orlando. Some aspects of the testing were able to be consolidated into a single protocol. For example, the 10,000 fired test rounds were aimed at frozen bait fish not deemed suitable for consumption by Shamu.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We tried very hard to standardize our testing with one primary vendor, but it’s really hard to find a lab that can proof test 10,000 rounds of ammunition and certify seaworthiness and waterproof capabilities at 200 fathoms.” stated Ben Cartwright, CEO of Constitution Arms.

The company expects to launch the ground water breaking device at the 50th Anniversary Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau Film Festival later this fall.

Ruger Introduces LOP – Light Origami Pistol

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

In a stunning move today, Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE: RGR), introduced the Ruger LOP, or Light Origami Pistol.

Following the wildly successful introductions of the Ruger LCP, LCR, and LCR .357, the move was the next logical evolution of the Ruger lineup of lightweight and compact pistols according to Ben Cartwright, Ruger’s Chief Executive Officer. “From the introduction of the ultra-small and lightweight LCP, our customers have been clear that smaller and lighter is the way to go. And nothing is lighter than origami.”

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

According to Ruger engineers, the LOP is fabricated from advanced polyfiber composites originally developed for the greeting card industry. While company sources won’t comment, it’s believed that Ruger has entered a technology licensing pact with greeting card industry giant Hallmark Cards.

While caliber and ammunition details remain unclear, size and weight specifications are impressive. The pistol weighs in at an impressive .003 ounces. Given it’s 3mm thickness, the LOP is expected to usher in a new era of concealed carry flexibility.

“There are always design tradeoffs we have to make.” continued Cartwright. “In order to meet our size and weight design goals we did have to make some sacrifices in durability. For example, we’re recommending that customers in hot and humid climates like Florida refrain from carrying in summer months as excessive humidity and perspiration could weaken the structural integrity of the pistol.”

Asked what’s next for the newly invigorated company, Cartwright replied “As a publicly traded company we can’t comment on specifics, but you might see expansion of the origami design concepts to include things like integrated bayonets and candle illumination units. We’re pretty excited about the possibilities of paper as a fabrication material.”

Ask MGC! What’s an assault weapon?

There’s a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, and downright lies about assault weapons, so in true My Gun Culture fashion I hope to clarify this once and for all.

Assault Weapons are sneaky little morphing bastards. They have a unique ability to change their DNA day to day, hour to hour, and news broadcast to news broadcast. Just ask Dan Rather. Usually the cause of the metamorphosis can be traced back to political agenda, but sometimes T.V. personalities can cause shape shifting simply by their spoken word and some creative video editing.

Assault Weapon Bricks

Ancient Assault Bricks

Evidence of the first assault weapon was found at the Tamerza and Midés excavation site in Tunisia. Ancient writings offer evidence that an elitist Cro-Magnon Herald staff reporter filed reports accusing citizen Grog of possession of a rapid fire assault weapon, later to become known as a brick. Evidence suggests that Grog was known to carry two, and sometimes three bricks at a time – which many deemed excessive for sporting purposes.

During the middle ages, assault weapons became more sophisticated. Henry VIII was known to have, and frequently use, an assault divorce attorney.

Marie Antoinette Assault Cake

Marie Antoinette's Assault Cake

Across the English Channel, Marie Antoinette was assaulted as a result of her secret possession of several pieces of assault cake.

Assault weapons continue to be heavily regulated. In most states, Rosie O’Donnell is classified as an assault weapon. Ownership generally requires the buyer to provide proof that they are legally deaf. This is a safety precaution that prevents Assault Rosie owners from going postal as a side effect of continuous exposure to re-runs of The View.

Many United States Marine Corps recruits view their drill instructors as assault weapons until, through the miracle of osmosis, they become assault weapons themselves. Many point to this phenomenon as proof of the redeeming societal value of assault weapons.

rosie odonnell exit to eden assault weapon

Typical Assault Weapon

The primary differentiator between assault weapons and regular ole’ weapons is that assault weapons are automatic, meaning they are known to automatically commit crimes, scare politicians from California, New York, and Massachusetts, and start third world wars.

As assault weapons have spread throughout the world, they have evolved according to local environments. In the United States, most assault weapons are actually guns, with the exception of Assault Rosie of course. In the United Kingdom, assault weapons have taken the form of bread knives and cricket bats. Similarly, in France, most assault weapons are recognizable as three day old baguettes with a wheel of dried up brie, while Australia has battled proliferation of assault knives, assault swords, and most recently assault laser pointers.

More questions? Post them at MyGunCulture.com and we’ll do our best to answer.

Smith & Wesson Market Cap Exceeds GDP of Micronesia

Today, Smith & Wesson (SWHC), long time maker of firearms and accessories, has experienced a meteoric rise of its share price over the past six weeks, resulting in a total market capitalization greater than that of the Federated States of Micronesia.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We could not be more pleased with the recent share price growth” said Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright. “We’re up 87% just since the election. We’re not growing quite as fast as the list of Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriends, but we’re getting darn tootin’ close.”

In related news, Ruger Firearms (RGR) has posted gains of 66% during the same period. Matt Dillon, Executive Vice President of Business Development and Law and Order, notes “That endorsement deal we did with Barak Obama last summer really paid off. We got a fistful of dollars out of that one for dang sure.”

Not everyone was as pleased with the news. Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff commented “The whole business
success thing is kind of upsetting. Here we are working really hard to gen up a huge crisis so we can ram our outrageous agenda through Congress, and this kind of good news is just no help at all. Even worse, with all these people buying guns the past few months you would think they didn’t trust us.”

Neither CEO would comment on rumors of a hostile takeover of the Island States.

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