Winchester Ammunition Moves To Mississippi To Cut Spelling Errors

Winchester AmmunitionAccording to the NRA’s American Rifleman blog, Winchester’s Illinois based ammunition division is relocating its plant facility to Mississippi. The announcement follows a recent trend of firearms companies moving south to warmer climes. Earlier this year, gun makers Para USA and Remington completed moves from Canada and New York to North Carolina.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

While many believe the announced move is a response to stalled union negotiations with the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers District 9 group, Winchester Ammunition General Manager Ben Cartwright offers a different explanation. “We’ve had trouble for years with people trying to spell the ‘ammunition’ part of Winchester Ammunition.  Seems like half the people want to use one ‘m’ and the other half want to use two ‘m’s.’ We’re just sick of it. Then one day, I the solution just came to me. Remember the elementary school thing about spelling Mississippi?  You know, em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye? Dang, if people in Mississippi can spell that, then they sure as heck can spell ‘ammunition’ properly. So that’s where we ought to be. Where people can spell our dang name. Dangit.”

Industry insiders are skeptical about the justification for the move. “I can see relocating the whole freakin’ factory if its a cost issue” said Harry Callahan, industry research analyst. “Or maybe if they just feel lucky today. I can even understand that. But for the Mississippi song? Really?”

Winchesters Vice President of Marketing, Don Draper, countered “Look, it’s all about branding. If we lose control of our name then what? Heck, we’ve got county spelling bee champions lined up around the block applying for positions at the new plant. That’s good enough for me.”

Gargoyles Plan To Form Shooting Team

Gargoyles competition shooting team

Gargoyles Competition Shooting Team Captain Grog Photo: thecelticcroft.com

According to recent reports from AmmoLand.com, the Gargoyles intend to form a new competitive shooting team. Traditionally known for their fearsome appearance, Gargoyles have not historically been recognized for their agility and speed. According to industry insiders, that reputation is about to change.

“People generally think of rock sculptures as slow and inflexible” comments Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing for Gargoyles Eyewear. “Just because they’re evil and mean looking doesn’t mean that they can’t shake and bake on the course of fire. Plus they have the added benefit of scaring away evil spirits. But the thing that really attracted us to the whole competitive Gargoyle concept was that most Gargoyles have wings and we expect them to literally fly through complex courses in major USPSA competitions.”

Gargoyles Eyewear Shooting Team

Gargoyles Eyewear Shooting Team

Rumors have been circulating for some time that the Gargoyles have been training in more sedentary shooting sports such as Benchrest and NRA Bullseye to prepare for their entre into the action shooting arena. “We’ve been really impressed by the stability and resulting accuracy that these Gargoyles have been able to achieve.” stated Wayne LaPierre, Executive Director of the National Rifle Association. “They just sit there and don’t flinch – like they were made of stone or something.”

Gargoyles Eyewear will be equipping the new team with proven eye protection designs including the Classic and Veil Series but will also leverage the teams exposure in the shooting community to launch the all-new ‘Rock Solid’ series. According to unnamed sources, the Rock Solid line will feature 325% UV protection and unsurpassed durability. “These things will last an eternity” bragged Draper.

Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch ‘n Taste Now Available

old-man-sour-face

Hoppe's Scratch n' Taste - 'aggressive' according to some early customers

Following closely on the heels of the successful release of Hoppe’s No. 9 Air Freshener, Hoppe’s, the gun care people, have announced Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste.

According to Hoppe’s, the No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste is targeted at those who want more than the “olfactory bliss between gun cleanings” offered by the No. 9 Air Freshener product. “It’ll definitely wake you up in the morning” stated company CEO Ben Cartwright.

Hoppes  Air Freshener

Hoppe's No. 9 Air Freshener

Described by early customers as ‘aggressive’ the Scratch n’ Taste is aimed at a relatively small market niche of truly fanatical gun lovers. “We’re really trying to capture the market segment defined by people who actually drink Hoppe’s No. 9 gun cleaner” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing at Hoppe’s. “We figured if people were that dedicated, we ought to provide a safer means of savoring the Hoppe’s experience.”

While admitting that the Hoppe’s taste experience may be expanded in the future, Draper would not comment on rumors  about Hoppe’s No. 9 Breath Mints.

Speer Bullets Launches New Smokin’ Hot-Cor Ammunition Line

Speer Hot-Cor Bullets

New Speer Smokin' Hot-Cor Bullets

Speer Bullets  recently expanded its already broad line of hunting bullets with the addition of the Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor series. Intended to provide an extension to the successful Hot-Cor line, the Smokin’ series is targeted at hunters and sportsmen with a more ‘randy’ side. In addition to minimal jacketing that leaves much to the imagination, the new Smokin’ Hot-Cores feature beautifully proportioned measurements, regardless of caliber offering. And based on early evaluations, they perform in the field, but only for tips. “These bullets typically retain 152% of their original weight” noted Speer CEO Ben Cartwright. “And they’re not hard on they eyes either. For bullets, they sure are lookers.” When asked how the new bullets could retain more than their original weight after expansion Cartwright explained “It’s just like Smokin’ hot people. Our bullets tend to attract others as they go and before you know it, it’s a stalker entourage.”

Don Draper, Speer Vice President of Marketing

VP Marketing Don Draper

Don Draper, Speer’s Vice President of Marketing shared details of a new promotional strategy for Speer. In a newly minted marketing pact with ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Founder Joe Francis, the companies intend to create a video series entitled “Bullets Gone Wild!” which will feature the new Smokin’ Hot-Cor lineup. “We hope to show our new bullets in action – raw and uncensored – so people can see how they really behave, or maybe misbehave, in the field” said Draper. “When these bullets get out of the gun, they tend to lose all inhibition and who knows what will happen. We hope to capture that on film under our new agreement with Mr. Francis.” Draper also announced availability of the new Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor calendar in time for the upcoming holiday season. “We wanted hunters to have a new look at our bullets throughout the year. Of course, the calendar will be rated PG-13, so we recommend discretion.”

Beretta Introduces Tropical Storm Handgun Line

Beretta Tropical Storm Pistol

Beretta Tropical Storm

Close on the heels of a successful launch of the PX4 Storm Series of pistols in .45 caliber, Beretta today announced an even more innovative lineup – the Tropical Storm Series.

The new pistol design represents a quantum leap in weather harnessing technology according to Ben Cartwright, CEO, Beretta USA. “For centuries, we’ve been developing firearms with energy potential measured in foot-pounds” said Cartwright. “One day while walking my dog Giuseppe in a rainstorm, it occurred to me that we ought to think about harnessing the power of mother nature. When she’s upset, things get crazy.”

While the previous lineup of PX4 pistols used a creative rotating barrel lockup technology to create a strengthened action with reduced recoil, the new Tropical Storm leverages planetary rotational forces for increased power. Tapping into the power of both hot and cold fronts and lunar gravitation, the first model of the new pistol, the Hugo, is rumored to obtain maximum sustained velocity of at least 63 knots.

“The Gulfstream is a pretty dig deal.” said Don Draper, Beretta’s Vice President of Marketing. “That, combined with the earth’s rotation means we don’t have to rifle the barrels – and that results in lower costs that we can pass on to our customers.”

Rumors of the top-secret project have been circulating for months with talk of projects code named Agnes, Bart, and Colin being leaked to the press by an anonymous source highly placed in the National Hurricane Center.

Draper expects the line to evolve quickly. “As soon as we can break the maximum sustained velocity barrier of 74 knots, we would like to upgrade the line. Maybe we’ll name it the Hurricane Storm Series.”

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