New York Senator Chuck Schumer Proposes No-Snack List (img: Wikipedia / David Shankbone)

Elaborating on yesterday’s call for expansion of a ‘no-ride’ list for Amtrak rail service, New York Senator Chuck Schumer, announced new ‘no-snack’ legislation aimed at Amtrak passengers with limited self control. Citing newly found intelligence from the recent Bin Laden compound raid in Abbottabad, Pakistan, Schumer outlined details of an emerging threat to American citizens.

“We’ve uncovered startling plans about terrorist plots to cause long-term health problems in the US by increasing the availability of snacks and junk foods” explained Schumer. “In fact, this new intelligence has already led to the interception of a large shipment of Twinkies bound for Union Station in Washington, DC. If those twinkies had made their way onto the Northeast Corridor 1 route we could have had some real problems. The average Amtrak passenger simply would not have been able to resist such unsafe quantities of snack food.”

Schumer’s bill aims to create the no-snack database and have it fully operational by June 1, 2011.

“It’s an aggressive schedule, but Homeland Security has been monitoring Wal-Marts for quite some time, and it seems obvious to us that Wal-Mart customers should be the first ones added to the no-snack list” explained Schumer. Later in the year, we’ll be adding TSA body scanners at both entrances to Amtrak Dining Cars to catch any passengers that manage to slip through the no-snack database. The technology in the latest Porta-Porn Scanners easily shows any extra body fat that passengers may be carrying.”