Beretta Introduces Tropical Storm Handgun Line

Beretta Tropical Storm Pistol

Beretta Tropical Storm

Close on the heels of a successful launch of the PX4 Storm Series of pistols in .45 caliber, Beretta today announced an even more innovative lineup – the Tropical Storm Series.

The new pistol design represents a quantum leap in weather harnessing technology according to Ben Cartwright, CEO, Beretta USA. “For centuries, we’ve been developing firearms with energy potential measured in foot-pounds” said Cartwright. “One day while walking my dog Giuseppe in a rainstorm, it occurred to me that we ought to think about harnessing the power of mother nature. When she’s upset, things get crazy.”

While the previous lineup of PX4 pistols used a creative rotating barrel lockup technology to create a strengthened action with reduced recoil, the new Tropical Storm leverages planetary rotational forces for increased power. Tapping into the power of both hot and cold fronts and lunar gravitation, the first model of the new pistol, the Hugo, is rumored to obtain maximum sustained velocity of at least 63 knots.

“The Gulfstream is a pretty dig deal.” said Don Draper, Beretta’s Vice President of Marketing. “That, combined with the earth’s rotation means we don’t have to rifle the barrels – and that results in lower costs that we can pass on to our customers.”

Rumors of the top-secret project have been circulating for months with talk of projects code named Agnes, Bart, and Colin being leaked to the press by an anonymous source highly placed in the National Hurricane Center.

Draper expects the line to evolve quickly. “As soon as we can break the maximum sustained velocity barrier of 74 knots, we would like to upgrade the line. Maybe we’ll name it the Hurricane Storm Series.”

Surefire Announces LED Flash Light Saber

Yoda light Saber

SureFire Flash Light Saber in action

Mountain Valley, CA — SureFire, LLC, manufacturer of high-end illumination tools and tactical products, announces the release of its Millennium Falcon series of high intensity LED powered Flash Light Sabers. Designed to appeal to a trans-universal audience, the new series offers unprecedented power from common AA household batteries.

Early adopter and product beta tester, Han Solo explains. “This thing totally rocks. Thankfully the device is only offered for sale to law enforcement. If Boba Fett gets his hands on one of these, I’m toast.”

The revolutionary device offers new levels of power and durability. Power of the new personal defense light has been upgraded from 120 lumens all the way up to 1.9873 x 1023 lumens with the flash light saber, while durability has also been improved. The new unit is able to easily withstand the massive G-forces of hyper-warp deceleration, making it the perfect intergalactic cruiser accessory.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

SureFire CEO Ben Cartwright

Surefire CEO, Ben Cartwright, also announced new training program offerings for the powerful device. “Having a combination Flash Light / Light Saber is pretty handy. For example, the other night I dropped my car keys in a dark parking lot. Fortunately I had my new Flash Light Saber. I easily found the keys in the dark, but managed to slice my car door off in the process. So training is an important part of our new offering.”

Palm Pistol Deep Sea Submersible Completes Endurance Testing

Palm Pistol Submersible

Palm Pistol Submersible

Earlier this month, Constitution Arms completed endurance testing of its revolutionary new combination Palm Pistol and Miniature Automated Deep Sea Submersible, or MADSS.

The versatile device is expected to serve the emerging market for personal protection while performing deep sea exploration. “As a result of our extensive market research efforts, we’re pretty sure we’ve hit on a unique market” said Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing. “We’ve not been able to identify any competitive offerings that combine a .38 Special single shot firearm with a fully automated submarine exploration unit. It’s definitely unique.”

Constitution Arms Palm Pistol

Constitution Arms Palm Pistol

In preparation for market introduction, the Palm Pistol Submersible completed two rigorous yet distinct testing protocols administered by an unnamed certified ASTM certified non-destructive metallurgic testing laboratory and Sea World of Orlando. Some aspects of the testing were able to be consolidated into a single protocol. For example, the 10,000 fired test rounds were aimed at frozen bait fish not deemed suitable for consumption by Shamu.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We tried very hard to standardize our testing with one primary vendor, but it’s really hard to find a lab that can proof test 10,000 rounds of ammunition and certify seaworthiness and waterproof capabilities at 200 fathoms.” stated Ben Cartwright, CEO of Constitution Arms.

The company expects to launch the ground water breaking device at the 50th Anniversary Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau Film Festival later this fall.

Ruger Introduces LOP – Light Origami Pistol

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

In a stunning move today, Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE: RGR), introduced the Ruger LOP, or Light Origami Pistol.

Following the wildly successful introductions of the Ruger LCP, LCR, and LCR .357, the move was the next logical evolution of the Ruger lineup of lightweight and compact pistols according to Ben Cartwright, Ruger’s Chief Executive Officer. “From the introduction of the ultra-small and lightweight LCP, our customers have been clear that smaller and lighter is the way to go. And nothing is lighter than origami.”

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

According to Ruger engineers, the LOP is fabricated from advanced polyfiber composites originally developed for the greeting card industry. While company sources won’t comment, it’s believed that Ruger has entered a technology licensing pact with greeting card industry giant Hallmark Cards.

While caliber and ammunition details remain unclear, size and weight specifications are impressive. The pistol weighs in at an impressive .003 ounces. Given it’s 3mm thickness, the LOP is expected to usher in a new era of concealed carry flexibility.

“There are always design tradeoffs we have to make.” continued Cartwright. “In order to meet our size and weight design goals we did have to make some sacrifices in durability. For example, we’re recommending that customers in hot and humid climates like Florida refrain from carrying in summer months as excessive humidity and perspiration could weaken the structural integrity of the pistol.”

Asked what’s next for the newly invigorated company, Cartwright replied “As a publicly traded company we can’t comment on specifics, but you might see expansion of the origami design concepts to include things like integrated bayonets and candle illumination units. We’re pretty excited about the possibilities of paper as a fabrication material.”

Smith & Wesson Market Cap Exceeds GDP of Micronesia

Today, Smith & Wesson (SWHC), long time maker of firearms and accessories, has experienced a meteoric rise of its share price over the past six weeks, resulting in a total market capitalization greater than that of the Federated States of Micronesia.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We could not be more pleased with the recent share price growth” said Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright. “We’re up 87% just since the election. We’re not growing quite as fast as the list of Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriends, but we’re getting darn tootin’ close.”

In related news, Ruger Firearms (RGR) has posted gains of 66% during the same period. Matt Dillon, Executive Vice President of Business Development and Law and Order, notes “That endorsement deal we did with Barak Obama last summer really paid off. We got a fistful of dollars out of that one for dang sure.”

Not everyone was as pleased with the news. Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff commented “The whole business
success thing is kind of upsetting. Here we are working really hard to gen up a huge crisis so we can ram our outrageous agenda through Congress, and this kind of good news is just no help at all. Even worse, with all these people buying guns the past few months you would think they didn’t trust us.”

Neither CEO would comment on rumors of a hostile takeover of the Island States.

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