ben cartwright

Frustrated Mexican Government Confirms Judge Judy Appearance

April 23, 2011 By Tom 3 Comments

Judge Judy to rule on Mexican government vs. US gun manufacturers dispute

Earlier this week, gun news site Ammoland.com reported that the Mexican government has retained New York law firm Reid, Collins, and Tsai to explore legal options against United States based firearm manufacturers. Most industry insiders don’t expect the suit to make much headway.

According to Beretta USA General Manager Ben Cartwright, “This comes at a bad time for Mexico’s legal effort. Just this week, Wikileaks released cables between US and Mexican diplomats stating that most heavy armament used by Mexican drug cartels does not in fact originate from Cabela’s and Bass Pro stores in the US, but from Central American army defectors.”

Others observe that since passage of the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act in 2005 no frivolous lawsuits have had success in federal courts.

Mexican Legal Attache Julio Iglesias Jr.

Frustrated by these roadblocks, Mexican President Felipe Calderon’s trusted advisor and legal attache Julio Iglesias, Jr. has announced that the matter has been accepted for judgement and resolution by Judge Judy. The My Gun Culture crack investigative team has learned some of the terms of the hush-hush deal. In return for an undisclosed cash sum, Mexico will be invited to the show this fall to present its case. Unnamed Judge Judy staffers are also hinting that the deal will allow Mr. Iglesias, Jr. to perform his new hit single, The Way I Want You, just before closing arguments. President Calderon appears confident that the performance will sway Judge Judy to rule in favor of the Mexican Government.

No word as of press time as to whether any gun manufacturers will attend the taping.

Filed Under: Life, News, Politics Tagged With: assault weapons, ben cartwright, crime, legal issues, mexican drug cartels, politics

Ruger Announces New LCBM Pocket Rocket Pistol

January 5, 2011 By Tom 11 Comments

New LCBM Pocket Rocket as shown in Ruger promotional materials

One day after stunning industry insiders with the LC9 9mm Centerfire Pistol announcement, Ruger added fuel to the fire of the pocket arms race with the announcement of the Ruger LCBM Pocket Rocket Pistol.

Designed to offer maximum defensive power in a lightweight and pocket sized form factor, the LCBM retains many of the LC9 features while increasing payload. Like the LC9, the new LCBM offers double action only operation, a locked-breech design, and smooth trigger pull. However, contrary to the LC9 design, the new models will require customized holsters with liquid oxygen fueling apparatus. Ruger spokespersons claim that holster maker Blade-Tech will be announcing an inside the waistband version soon.

“We’re ending the small caliber gun debate once and for all” observed Ruger CEO Ben Cartwright. “The first LCBM models will carry a single .25 kiloton warhead, but we’re working on subsequent models that will offer up to 6 +1 multiple re-entry bullets, or MIRB’s. That should be enough gun to handle most imaginable self defense situations. Hopefully the LCBM will give new meaning to the phrase come on punk, make my day. Either that, or dude, we have a problem.”

Product Manager Gene Kranz

Product managers at Ruger explain that the new Pocket Rocket technology simply became a matter of necessity. “We were working on .44 Magnum and .50 caliber LC prototypes, the LC44 and LC50 respectively, and quickly found that recoil in the seven ounce guns was just a little too stout, even for our experienced product testers like Harry Callahan” explained Ruger Product Manager Gene Kranz.

In a related announcement, Crimson Trace announced its next generation integral aiming units for the new LCBM. Similar to the existing LG-431 Front Activation Laserguard model, the unit is also custom designed for the LC series, but will now feature GPS aiming, instead of laser, technology. Early models will boast accuracy to within 100 feet, easily within the effective radius of the LCBM.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ben cartwright, blade-tech, crimson trace, harry callahan, new products, Ruger

Blade-Tech Releases Next Generation Bacon Hybrid Holster

November 26, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Blade-Tech Bacon Hybrid Holster

Blade-Tech, leading manufacturer of injection molded tactical holsters, knife sheaths and magazine pouches today announced availability of their next generation hybrid holsters.

“Our new hybrid line combines what are the finest three materials known to man – kydex, leather, and bacon” bragged Blade-Tech CEO Ben Cartwright. “After we announced our new kydex / leather hybrid holsters earlier this year, we immediately started thinking about ways to reach the next level of defensive culinary performance.”

Clayton Moore as The Lone Ranger

One of the primary objectives of the new triple hybrid line was ease and speed of draw. Blade-Tech product managers tested thousands of materials before settling on bacon as the foundation of the new holster. Early customers agree with the choice and recognize distinct speed of draw advantages. “This new bacon holster is sure slick on the draw” gushed Clayton Moore, better known as The Lone Ranger. “I have to admit that the whole rig can get a little greasy at times, but on the plus side, it’s a heck of a lot easier to put on my tight cowboy pants now.”

Industry insiders were given advance looks at the new holster line. Roy Huntington, Editor of American Handgunner Magazine recently completed a comprehensive review of the new triple hybrid. “Mmmmmm. Bacon” purred Huntington.

Asked about future versions of the bacon holster, Cartwright replied “You might look for a double thick version in the near future. We think its a good way to consolidate an hour or so’s worth of emergency rations right in the holster itself.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: bacon, ben cartwright, holsters, kydex, leather, lone ranger

GunUp.com Trounces GunDown.com In First Quarter Of Operation

November 13, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

GunUp.com

Today, GunUp.com CEO Ben Cartwright announced dramatic market share increases over arch-rival GunDown.com. On the companies quarterly analyst call, Cartwright explained that recent research indicates that GunUp.com enjoys a 99.94% market share of the gun enthusiast online community market compared to GunDown’s .06% share.

Admittedly, the competitors have slightly different target audiences. GunUp.com’s mission is to “provide prospective, new, and experienced gun enthusiasts with a one-stop destination to share, discuss, review, and compare guns with confidence.” On the other hand, GunDown.com caters to a more metrosexual audience, including men who wear scarves during the summer, cry during Oprah re-runs, and get periodic bikini waxing. “Our audience is actually more inclusive than that” explained CEO Al Franken. “We cater to all sorts of pantywaists regardless of whether they live in metropolitan areas or not.”

Al Franken Air America

GunUp.com’s market dominance highlights Franken’s second major media failure. Previously, Franken was instrumental in the fall and subsequent bankruptcy of admittedly leftist radio program, Air America. “I don’t know why you guys keep bringing up Air America” whined Franken. “It wasn’t our fault that people didn’t know better than to listen to our program. I bet Rush Limbaugh and the vast right wing conspiracy are behind this GunUp.com thing too. It’s just not fair, and as a United States Senator, I am going to introduce legislation to stop this nonsense.”

GunUp.com anticipates a bright future and has garnered an impressive early following. “Having perhaps the largest online gun comparison database in the world really helped GunUp.com start an interactive community” explained spokesperson Veronica Corningstone of Laura Burgess Marketing. “We were pretty firm in our belief that having actual data as the foundation of our offering would be of value to our users. Plus, our users can actually read, which has proved to be a tremendous competitive advantage over GunDown.com.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: al franken, ben cartwright, business, community, firearms, guns, internet, market, online, online community, Shooting, veronica corningstone, web

Winchester Ammunition Moves To Mississippi To Cut Spelling Errors

November 11, 2010 By Tom 2 Comments

According to the NRA’s American Rifleman blog, Winchester’s Illinois based ammunition division is relocating its plant facility to Mississippi. The announcement follows a recent trend of firearms companies moving south to warmer climes. Earlier this year, gun makers Para USA and Remington completed moves from Canada and New York to North Carolina.

CEO Ben Cartwright

While many believe the announced move is a response to stalled union negotiations with the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers District 9 group, Winchester Ammunition General Manager Ben Cartwright offers a different explanation. “We’ve had trouble for years with people trying to spell the ‘ammunition’ part of Winchester Ammunition. Seems like half the people want to use one ‘m’ and the other half want to use two ‘m’s.’ We’re just sick of it. Then one day, I the solution just came to me. Remember the elementary school thing about spelling Mississippi? You know, em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye? Dang, if people in Mississippi can spell that, then they sure as heck can spell ‘ammunition’ properly. So that’s where we ought to be. Where people can spell our dang name. Dangit.”

Industry insiders are skeptical about the justification for the move. “I can see relocating the whole freakin’ factory if its a cost issue” said Harry Callahan, industry research analyst. “Or maybe if they just feel lucky today. I can even understand that. But for the Mississippi song? Really?”

Winchesters Vice President of Marketing, Don Draper, countered “Look, it’s all about branding. If we lose control of our name then what? Heck, we’ve got county spelling bee champions lined up around the block applying for positions at the new plant. That’s good enough for me.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: american rifleman, ammo, ammunition, ben cartwright, don draper, guns, nra, olin, Shooting, unions, winchester

Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch ‘n Taste Now Available

October 29, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Hoppe's Scratch n' Taste - 'aggressive' according to some early customers

Following closely on the heels of the successful release of Hoppe’s No. 9 Air Freshener, Hoppe’s, the gun care people, have announced Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste.

According to Hoppe’s, the No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste is targeted at those who want more than the “olfactory bliss between gun cleanings” offered by the No. 9 Air Freshener product. “It’ll definitely wake you up in the morning” stated company CEO Ben Cartwright.

Hoppe's No. 9 Air Freshener

Described by early customers as ‘aggressive’ the Scratch n’ Taste is aimed at a relatively small market niche of truly fanatical gun lovers. “We’re really trying to capture the market segment defined by people who actually drink Hoppe’s No. 9 gun cleaner” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing at Hoppe’s. “We figured if people were that dedicated, we ought to provide a safer means of savoring the Hoppe’s experience.”

While admitting that the Hoppe’s taste experience may be expanded in the future, Draper would not comment on rumors about Hoppe’s No. 9 Breath Mints.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: air freshener, ben cartwright, don draper, firearms, gun cleaner, gun cleaning, guns, hoppe's, hunting, satire, Shooting

Speer Bullets Launches New Smokin’ Hot-Cor Ammunition Line

October 26, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

New Speer Smokin' Hot-Cor Bullets

Speer Bullets recently expanded its already broad line of hunting bullets with the addition of the Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor series. Intended to provide an extension to the successful Hot-Cor line, the Smokin’ series is targeted at hunters and sportsmen with a more ‘randy’ side. In addition to minimal jacketing that leaves much to the imagination, the new Smokin’ Hot-Cores feature beautifully proportioned measurements, regardless of caliber offering. And based on early evaluations, they perform in the field, but only for tips. “These bullets typically retain 152% of their original weight” noted Speer CEO Ben Cartwright. “And they’re not hard on they eyes either. For bullets, they sure are lookers.” When asked how the new bullets could retain more than their original weight after expansion Cartwright explained “It’s just like Smokin’ hot people. Our bullets tend to attract others as they go and before you know it, it’s a stalker entourage.”

Don Draper, Speer Vice President of Marketing

VP Marketing Don Draper

Don Draper, Speer’s Vice President of Marketing shared details of a new promotional strategy for Speer. In a newly minted marketing pact with ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Founder Joe Francis, the companies intend to create a video series entitled “Bullets Gone Wild!” which will feature the new Smokin’ Hot-Cor lineup. “We hope to show our new bullets in action – raw and uncensored – so people can see how they really behave, or maybe misbehave, in the field” said Draper. “When these bullets get out of the gun, they tend to lose all inhibition and who knows what will happen. We hope to capture that on film under our new agreement with Mr. Francis.” Draper also announced availability of the new Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor calendar in time for the upcoming holiday season. “We wanted hunters to have a new look at our bullets throughout the year. Of course, the calendar will be rated PG-13, so we recommend discretion.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ammo, ammunition, ben cartwright, bullets, don draper, girls gone wild, guns, hunting, Shooting, speer

Smith and Wesson Announces Bodyguard – Jersey Shore Edition

October 14, 2010 By Tom 1 Comment

Jersey Shore Bodyguard in Action

Smith & Wesson Holding Corporation (SWHC, Nasdaq) today announced an extension to it’s new Bodyguard line of personal protection pistols, the Jersey Shore Edition.

Aimed squarely at the post binge-drinking, out of control situation market segment, the Bodyguard Jersey Shore line offers several innovative features designed to offer ego and hairstyle protection, while minimizing regrets the day after.

According to Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright, the Bodyguard Jersey Shore is designed to protect reputation, ego, and lucrative television contracts without permanent physical harm. “Say you’re at the club, at like 3:30am, and some juicehead gorilla wants to smoosh with you. But you’re like, forget that, I just got my nails done and my spray tan hasn’t fully dried yet. The Bodyguard Jersey Shore is the perfect solution. It allows you to ward off unwanted advances at the clubs without physical harm, so the next day, when your tan is dry, you can hook up with that juicehead with no hard feelings.”

Smith & Wesson spokespeople declined to offer details on exactly how the Bodyguard Jersey Shore works, but industry insiders speculate that the technology relies on remote steroid neutralization. “If you can make the guys abs look really lame, you have the power and respect” stated J-Woww, an early adopter of the Bodyguard Jersey Shore Edition system. “It’s like ‘I own you now guido!’ One more move and I’ll show the whole club that you’re a skank with no abs.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ben cartwright, bodyguard, guido, guns, handguns, humor, j-woww, jersey shore, personal protection, pistols, satire, situation, smith and wesson, snookie

Ruger Announces Common Stock and Light Origami Pistol Repurchase Program

October 12, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE-RGR), announced the third quarter 2010 repurchase of 412,000 shares of common stock and 4 Light Origami Pistols (LOPs). Reportedly, the total repurchase program was valued at $5,700,000.84 with $5.7 million allocated to common stock and $0.84 allocated to the repurchase of the LOP Pistols.

Ben Cartwright

According to Ben Cartwright, Chief Executive Officer, “We’re always looking at aggressive ways to increase shareholder value. Since the company is doing so well, we decided it was time to embark on an aggressive stock repurchase program.”

Asked about the rationale behind the Light Origami Pistol Program, Cartwright explained “It occurred to us that stockholders should not be the only ones to benefit from repurchase programs. Why not do something for collectors as well?”

Ruger’s strategy is to buy pistols back from the public in order to decrease supply and availability – thereby driving up prices for collectors. While innovative, the strategy has yet to be proven in the market.

Ruger’s Chief Financial Officer Gordon Gecko explained the new strategy during the recent third quarter analyst briefing call. “Right now, there are about 5 Light Origami Pistols out there in the market, so it’s not really a collectible. They’re only selling for about $0.21 each given the state of the economy. We thought that if we could buy back 4 of them, then maybe that 5th one would really increase in value.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ben cartwright, Gordon Gecko, guns, handguns, humor, origami, Pistol, Ruger, satire, Shooting, Stock Repurchase

Beretta Introduces Tropical Storm Handgun Line

September 29, 2010 By Tom 1 Comment

Beretta Tropical Storm

Close on the heels of a successful launch of the PX4 Storm Series of pistols in .45 caliber, Beretta today announced an even more innovative lineup – the Tropical Storm Series.

The new pistol design represents a quantum leap in weather harnessing technology according to Ben Cartwright, CEO, Beretta USA. ”For centuries, we’ve been developing firearms with energy potential measured in foot-pounds” said Cartwright. “One day while walking my dog Giuseppe in a rainstorm, it occurred to me that we ought to think about harnessing the power of mother nature. When she’s upset, things get crazy.”

While the previous lineup of PX4 pistols used a creative rotating barrel lockup technology to create a strengthened action with reduced recoil, the new Tropical Storm leverages planetary rotational forces for increased power. Tapping into the power of both hot and cold fronts and lunar gravitation, the first model of the new pistol, the Hugo, is rumored to obtain maximum sustained velocity of at least 63 knots.

“The Gulfstream is a pretty dig deal.” said Don Draper, Beretta’s Vice President of Marketing. “That, combined with the earth’s rotation means we don’t have to rifle the barrels – and that results in lower costs that we can pass on to our customers.”

Rumors of the top-secret project have been circulating for months with talk of projects code named Agnes, Bart, and Colin being leaked to the press by an anonymous source highly placed in the National Hurricane Center.

Draper expects the line to evolve quickly. “As soon as we can break the maximum sustained velocity barrier of 74 knots, we would like to upgrade the line. Maybe we’ll name it the Hurricane Storm Series.”