In an apparent effort to address its faltering public image head on, the agency formerly known as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) is changing its name.
Constantly fighting public perception that the agency is hiding its true mission with ambiguous smoke and mirror tactics, BATFE is making a bold move to meet its critics directly. Under a new mandate by Attorney General Eric Holder, the agency will now be called Brazenly Arming Thousands of Foreign Evildoers, thereby keeping the familiar acronym BATFE in order to minimize confusion during the transition process.
The new logo, to be released later this week, was reportedly designed by the Los Angeles design firm of Sarandon, Fonda, and Penn. Prominently featured on the new logo are guns, drugs, and a silhouette of Mexico – features all designed to help portray the agency’s primary mission. An unnamed and recently promoted BATFE spokesperson asked that all further questions be addressed to the DC legal firm of Holder and Holder.
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In a rare display of cross agency cooperation, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives – BATFE – announced a sweeping partnership with the Transportation Security Administration – TSA – designed to end violence along the Mexican border.
In a joint statement, the BATFE and TSA agencies requested emergency authority to install body scanners at firearms dealers located within 250 miles of the border. The intent of the new program is to eliminate the largest supply line of illegal weapons flow to Mexican drug cartels – undie assault weapon smuggling. The dragnet is expected to include nearly 8,500 firearms dealers.
“We know that drug cartels are specially modifying BVD’s, Fruit of the Loom Men’s High Fashion Bikini Briefs, and other unknown undergarments to hold automatic weapons purchased from unethical firearms dealers” commented Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. “We believe this to be the number one source of illicit weapons causing the violence along our border. You’d be amazed at how many M-249 machine guns a good string bikini style can hide. We’ve made great progress already by shutting down the Wal-Mart Snuggie smuggling operation and now its time to turn our attention elsewhere.”
The plan of the new operation is to force prospective gun store customers to undergo a full body scan using TSA new millimeter wave and backscatter advanced imaging machines. “The idea is to catch people on the way in who may be wearing suspicious thong underwear” explained TSA spokesperson and former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf. “Of course we’re also looking to spot any really hot Mexican Senoritas who may happen to come in the stores. You never know when we might get lucky.”