York, PA – Close on the heels of a Pennsylvania House 161-35 vote, the state’s new Castle Doctrine Bill is already at risk of failure. Not due to Governor Ed Rendell’s threat of veto, but from a more insurmountable hurdle – a severe shortage of qualified castles in the state.
According to unnamed authorities, the Keystone State only has 29 qualified castles. “You would think that as the Keystone State, we would have plenty of castles” complained Henry Thaytth, Director of Development for Pennsylvania’s Castle Development Commission. “After all, the word keystone does sort of imply castle-like buildings and other large things built from rocks.”
Authorities in the Pennsylvania Department of Castle Numerology and Naming concede that the state is light on castle doctrine locations. “Yes, we’re behind the curve, and its true that 8 of our castles are unnamed at this point and one of them is really just a kids playhouse” stated Thaytth. “But look on the bright side, we’ve got castles with really European sounding names like Druim Moir, Ballytore, and Glencairn. Most chicks are impressed by that when I tell them.”
The state has recently implemented controversial efforts to up its castle count by including White Castle locations. Many are opposed to this practice on principle only, as the state currently does not have any White Castle Restaurants. “I can’t really discuss the details of our negotiations with the state” commented White Castle CFO Gordon Gecko. “Let’s just say that what’s worth doing is worth doing for money. By the way, if you need a friend, get a dog.”