Tomorrow marks the go live date for the Affordable Gun Act of 2013, commonly referred to as LaPierreCare. Intended to make guns and ammunition accessible and affordable to all Americans, LaPierreCare levels the playing field by striking down capricious state laws that infringe on rights to bear arms. According to industry spokesperson, the late Charlton Heston, “This is a big flippin’ deal.”
The overarching goal of the LaPierreCare program is simple – help make guns affordable and accessible to the 152 million adult Americans who do not own a firearm. “Yes, Nearly 100 million people own a gun, but we hope to remove restrictions imposed by states like Illinois, New York and The People’s Republik of California that prevent all Americans from having the opportunity to enjoy their rights.”
House Minority Leader Fancy Pilates gushed about the new law’s possibilities. “Just think of an economy where people could be a trapshooter, action pistol competitor or 3 gunner without worrying about keeping their day job in order to afford guns. People wouldn’t be prevented from busting caps and vaporizing SPAM because of unfair inconveniences like jobs. The old system is racist.”
However, the LaPierreCare movement is not without controversy and flip-flopping. “Initially, I wanted to pass this bill so I could see what was in it. But then I found out it was about guns and that it would make it even easier for George Bush to buy another Perazzi. So now I’m opposed,” lamented Minority Leader Pilates.
Senate Democrats seem to understand the bill’s inevitability, yet are mounting an aggressive effort to defund LaPierreCare in hopes of stalling the program. “Obviously this is about guns, and those make me piddle my britches, so I’m opposed on principle. But it’s also really unfairsies,” groaned New York Senator Cluck Schmoozer. “Under the proposed LaPierreCare program, unemployment and under achievement is simply not rewarded. This who live with their parents well into their 20s have to find ways to pay for their own guns and ammo. It’s just not fair – one-percenters just need to step up to the firing line, so to speak.”
“Yeah, what he said,” President Obama echoed. “If LaPierre says owning a firearm is every American’s right, then just because someone goofed off through seven years of college and has to live at home, their weekend recreational shooting activities shouldn’t be impacted. That would be, ummm, racist.”
New York Mayor Mikey Silverspoonberg, leader of the group Mayors Against Legal Governing, has also emerged as a powerful force in fight to stop LaPierreCare. “I will fight to defund LaPierreCare until my interns can no longer bring me skinny Chai Lattes,” claimed Bloomberg during a marathon, fact-filled, 93 second speech from New York’s famous Monkey Bar restaurant. “Knowing what’s best for the American public, I will use gobs of my money to enforce my will. Now where the hell are my bodyguards?”
Others are jumping on the defund LaPierreCare bandwagon. California Senator Polyanne “I would appreciate if you would refer to me as Senator – I’ve worked hard for that title” Whinestein stated “I think your rights are all hot air. I do not like them Mr. LaPierre. I do not like guns on a range, and I think your views are somewhat strange. I do not like people questioning me, I don’t like that at all you see. I do not like guns here or there, I do not like them anywhere.”