Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney, PA – Stunned officials from the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club announced the end of 122 years of American tradition today. In a somber press conference, Groundhog Club President Vladimir Putin announced that Groundhog Day has been permanently canceled as Punxsutawney Phil was plugged stone-cold dead by an overly enthusiastic snipe hunter.
“We’re just shocked” mumbled Putin. “Club members have been keeping Phil alive for well over 100 years with unicorn blood. That’s not easy to get you know. Especially with the hunting laws in Pennsylvania.”
Early forensic reports that Punxsutawney Phil was finally done in by a new weapon called a Master Key. Produced on an episode of Discovery Channel’s new reality series Sons of Guns, the Master Key is a combination 12 gauge shotgun and AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. “Apparently the guy blew Phil’s hole wide open with a breaching load, then nailed him good with the AR” observed Pennsylvania forensic crime scene investigator David Caruso. “That can wreck any Groundhog Day for sure. The hunter claims he thought Phil was an angry emu and it was self defense.”
“Now what are we supposed to do?” asked Groundhog Club Social Director Bill Murray. “Start an Elk’s Club Chapter or something?”