“Oh, signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs
Blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?”
While the 5 Man Electrical Band was nowhere to be found, the city of St. Louis took the message to heart – and even hired James Earl Jones to make new audio signs in case people were too busy talking about guns to pay attention to the printed signs. Well, the James Earl Jones part is not entirely confirmed – yet. We’re working on that.
We lost count of the number of “NO CONCEALED WEAPONS” signs after 14,328. And that was just on the MetroLink train. Can’t read? Not to worry – the MetroLink stations broadcast an audio message loop, part of which reminds riders that no weapons are allowed at any time. And that gum chewing get’s you caned by unripe celery. That’s where James Earl Jones comes in.
Yeah, but what if you are texting, therefore not looking at signs, while listening to Justin Bieber and his Orchestra with your earbuds? Not to worry! The MetroLink folks thoughtfully placed a 2 foot by 4 foot sign at the top of station escalators so you run right smack into it – knees first. If you read the fine print, you’ll find that reconstructive knee surgery is not covered by the city. Bummer, that hurt.
Although it may seem silly to have all those signs, there’s a good reason. Your mother can’t always be around to threaten counting to three if you don’t stop whatever it is you’re doing. Hence the signs. Given that signs are not quite as intimidating as an angry mother, it usually takes 20 or 30 of them to make you feel guilty enough to stop. Thinking about carrying your concealed gun on the MetroLink regardless? Not after you pass the 23rd sign telling you not to.
Some people think that signs are a waste of time, because people no longer read anything except text messages and Kardashian Kapers Weekly. That and the fact that bad guys will ignore the signs anyway. While there is some truth to that, scientists have discovered that inherently bad people just require more signs. Most people who turn out bad do so because their mothers would allow their bad behavior to continue all the way to the count of 4 or even 5, hence the need for more signs in their adult years. Are you beginning to see the logic? By the time the good guys get to the MetroLink ticket machine, the signs have guilted them into melting their guns to make Shake Weights. Bad guys are more stubborn, but even the worst of them can’t make it to the train platform without tearfully donating their illegal guns to Jerry’s Kids.
Taking an example from the MetroLink’s sign program effectiveness, the Americas Center also prohibits weapons through the use of signs. While these rules seemed effective on the NRA Annual Meeting attendees, as there were hardly any mass shootings at the fresh lemonade stands, gun industry employees are clearly very, very bad people. Signs or no signs, they brought tens of thousands of their guns into the show. So signs only work most of the time, not all the time – hence the need for more aggressive tactics like window stickers.
Can you even imagine how high Gun Salesmen’s moms had to count?
People who play with guns have all sorts of reasons for not joining the NRA. I forgot. My dog ate my computer. My dog peed on my computer. I am a member – I sent them $10 27 years ago. I bought a used gun, so I’m automatically a member. Isn’t it part of my AARP membership? I have my voter registration card, so I’m a member. I watch Top Shot on TV – doesn’t that make me a member? I got my membership in a box of Lucky Charms.
We’ve heard all the excuses. With that said, here’s our Top 13 list of reasons NOT to join the NRA…
- If more people join the NRA, then Hugo Chavez will have no chance of getting nominated to the United States Supreme Court. Be compassionate people! What’s a despot dictator to do in his retirement years?
- Operation Fast and Furious may be less fast and less furious with too much NRA oversight. If our government is going to export guns to Mexican drug lords, let’s do it with style and plenty of volume – that’s the American way!
- I am married to: (fill in the blank) Eric Holder, Michael Bloomberg, Wayne LaPierre, or Vladimir Putin
- If the NRA gets any more clout, those crazy Fast and Furious testimonies on CSPAN may come to a premature end. And everything else on daytime TV stinks now that All My Children is off the air.
- Being part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is so 1990’s
- I’ve built my own intercontinental ballistic missile and the NRA is not fighting for my rights to cap it with a multiple-warhead nuclear bomb. It’s my right!
- I already get my gun rights news from The Huffington Post and New York Times. I’ve got my objective news sources covered already.
- I don’t want to encourage worldwide deforestation by adding my name to the NRA-ILA direct mail list.
- Eddie the Eagle reminds me of clowns. And I have Coulrophobia . That’s fear of clowns.
- I already subscribe to Communist Dictators Quarterly magazine and don’t really want another subscription to American Rifleman. I can only read so much propaganda in a months time.
- What’s a Constitution? Is that like when you eat too much cheese and get all backed up?
- George Soros owns The Freedom Group, which owns all the gun companies, which own the NRA.
- They never serve Chateaubriand at Friends of NRA dinners.
Bu seriously folks. No excuses. If you own a gun, believe in little details like your right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of satellite TV, then you need to join the NRA.
Yeah, they’ve probably done something you disagree with, but so has your spouse/brother/sister/father/mother/child/neighbor. So get over it. Join all the other organizations you like. We do. There are a lot of great ones out there. Just be sure to add a +1 to that 4 million member number that freaks out all those certified politicians in Washington.
Mayors Against Illegal Guns (MAIG) spokesperson Senator Al Franken announced today formation of a new political organization – Mayors Against Legal Governing, or MALG.
Inspiration for the spinoff organization came out of a recent emergency meeting called to address the problem of inordinate numbers of MAIG members running afoul of the law. Since it’s formation in 2006, MAIG has suffered a rash of embarrassing incidents where member Mayors have been arrested, convicted, and even jailed for a broad variety of crimes.
“I mean everyone knows that we don’t play by the same rules as common people. We finally decided, hey, why the secrecy? Let’s just be out in the open about it and organize and embrace the lawlessness,” noted MAIG and MALG Founder New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
MALG organizers stress the importance of planning and metrics to success of their long term mission. ”The pro-second amendment crowd likes to use lot’s of fancy statistics to prove things, so we decided we needed to whip up some of our own,” explained MALG organizer Bloomberg.
Inside sources indicate that Mayors Against Legal Governing is trying to make sure that have equal representation from all sorts of lawless behavior. So far, members have compiled an impressive list of illicit behaviors including Campaign Finance Scandal, Bribery, Counterfeiting, Domestic Abuse, Extortion, Money Laundering, Miscellaneous Corruption, Falsifying Evidence, Double-Secret Federal Charges, and Child Pornography.
“While we’re off to an impressive start, we’ve got some real gaps in the areas of armed robbery, impersonation of clergy, and nude Llama wrestling,” observed Mayor Bloomberg. “If you know anyone, please give them my number.
“Originally we wanted to keep this organization exclusive and only allow membership to Mayors who are actual convicted felons or those who were in the process of being convicted,” explained Mayor Bloomberg. “But we’re really making a renewed effort to be inclusive so we’re going consider adding Mayors with Misdemeanors to the group.”
Somehow this seems even more relevant than when originally posted…
An article at Wee’rd World about ‘Occupy’ protests got us thinking…