Life - My Gun Culture

Doe Decides Back Yard Is Appropriate Place To Give Birth

May 12, 2012 By Tom Leave a Comment

Filed under the ‘something you don’t see everyday’ category…

Our female Welsh Springer Spaniel has extra-sensory perception. She can spot a bird, squirrel, chinchilla, or any other furry living being from a distance of 42.7654887 light years, provided that sun spots are not acting up. Late this afternoon, she starts barking at the back yard fence – looking intently out into the swamp behind our home. Real estate agents refer to this as ‘scenic wetlands.’ Anyway, her brother, who is kind of a special needs puppy, remains clueless about the events, but starts barking anyway. Mainly because it’s fun.

Looking out into the scenic wetlands from our second level deck, we spot a doe lying on the ground looking our way. Seeing a deer in the yard is not at all unusual, but seeing one just laying there staring at us is. Then, into view comes a staggering, wobbly fawn – closely followed by another. Meanwhile the doe is continuing to tidy things up as they were born minutes prior.

So here’s something a little different for your enjoyment…

The baby walk

Filed Under: Featured, Life, Videos Tagged With: animals, deer, fawns, wildlife

To Load Or Not To Load, That Is The Question…

May 7, 2012 By Tom Leave a Comment

I’m one of those guys who enjoys reloading. Yes, I can save some money on a cost per round basis – if I place an hourly value on my time somewhere below the cost of 1/3 of a Wintergreen Tic Tac. The main reason I reload is that I like to tinker. Why experiment with 42 varieties of .357 Sig? Why shoot lead bullets at 1,000 feet per second out of my 1903 Springfield? Why not?

But lately, I’m having doubts about my patience for tinkering with one specific caliber. That would be .223 Remington, or when I’m feeling tactical, 5.56mm. Quite frankly, it’s a pain in the butt.

If it was a low volume shooting round, that would be one thing. Tinkering for hours to make a few hundred rounds of some caliber is fine if it will last a couple of shooting outings. But, as I have found out, my kids are capable of maintaining a constant cyclic rate of fire of just over 42,358 rounds per minute in semi-automatic mode with my sons DPMS A3 Lite AR-15 rifle. Doing some quick math, I might spend 42.8 hours reloading .223 ammo that lasts 19 milliseconds at the range.

Not only that, the process of reloading .223 ammo is somewhat complicated and has many important steps:

I gripe at my kids to pick up the .223 brass from the range.

Next, I have to cancel texting service on their phones so they can pay attention to the request I made in step 1.

Sort thousands of rounds of dirty brass to filter out the desirable .223 brass. Separate it from the 5.56mm brass that has gotten mixed in. Those Navy Seals have a bad habit of sneaking around mixing their military brass into my stuff. Sneaky bastards.

Call Discovery Channel, again, to request that Mike Rowe does an episode of Dirty Jobs about sorting range brass. Ask why they have stopped taking my calls.

Shoo my dogs away from nosing around dirty, leady brass that suddenly seems more interesting to them than bacon topped with Cheez Whiz.

Dump a pile of filthy .223 brass into my Lyman 1200 Auto-Flo Tumbler. This causes earthquake like sounds to reverberate from my garage for hours. Fortunately the neighbors no longer call 911 or the University of Southern California Earthquake Research Center.

After the brass is reasonably clean, I make sure that all of the walnut / corn cob / gritty tumbler media stuff is out of the cases. As the .223 case has a mouth diameter just smaller than a mosquito’s left nostril, this step is more difficult that it sounds. Shaking the case vigorously doesn’t always do it, so I’m thinking about rinsing them with an insect-sized Neti Pot.

Now for the brass depriming and resizing step. Here is where things get interesting. Invariably, at least 5 out of 4 cases will get stuck in the sizing die, causing me to stop the operation, drill out the case head, and remove it with bolts and a thread tap I bought at Wal-Mart. Yes, the stuck case situation might have happened one night after proper hardware stores were closed. Friends don’t let friends buy tools at Wal-Mart after all – that’s what pawn shops are for. Oh, by the way, Mighty Putty is on sale.

In a fit of impatience trying to get the show back on the road, I break the tap. What, anger issues? Me? Hey it was a cheap tap bought at Wal-Mart after all. It was asking for it.

Figure out how to remove a case that’s stuck in the die, that in turn has a broken tap stuck in it. This is a great time to go watch a re-run of Home Improvement. And ask my neighbor if I can borrow a flame thrower.

After the load of brass is successfully deprimed and resized, I break out the case trimmer. Don’t lose heart, we’re 10% of the way done.

My wife and kids decide to go on vacation. They know I will be trimming brass 18 hours a day for the next few weeks.

I gently move my dogs that have camped out on top of my feet. Apparently they think I have died standing in this position and are holding vigil.

Some ammo companies have the audacity to crimp their .223 primers in place. I have reason to believe that this is a plot by my dogs to keep me from moving for another couple of weeks as they are continuing to soundly sleep on my feet. Apparently my shoes are comfortable and smell nice. In any event, this step involves either reaming or swaging the primer pockets to make sure that new primers will actually fit. Swaging is the way to go here. You don’t cut away metal and the results are consistent. It’s kind of like making an auto part fit by hammering it really hard. Dillon makes an excellent swaging tool that is well worth the money.

Now we’re on the offensive and are beginning steps that are actually adding stuff back to the empty case. So you can think of this as the beginning of the 3rd quarter. Except that the Colts are ahead.

Using one of several highly scientific techniques, I stuff new primers into the newly reamed or swaged primer pockets. Depending on volume and how bad my mood is from dealing with stuck cases in my resizing dies, I will use the hand method or a progressive reloading press. If something really good is on TV, like Band of Brothers reruns, I use my hand operated Lee Auto Prime tool, since I don’t have DirectTV in my man cave. If Fashion Stars is on, and I therefore have no access to the TV due to the ‘Chicks Occupying Den Movement’, I’ll configure the Hornady Lock and Load Auto Progressive press to knock out a few steps at once – priming, powder charging, and bullet seating. But for discussion’s sake, let’s follow the hand priming route. It’s far more dramatic for this particular column.

If you’re feeling like the Anal Retentive Chef, it’s time to chamfer and deburr the case mouths with some sort of hand or electric tool. I’ve been dying to try out Hornady’s Lock and Load Case Prep Center, but for now am using stone tools fashioned from cinder blocks. Either that or I skip this step entirely.

It’s time for charging the case. This is fancy techno-speak for adding powder that makes things go bang. I like to use TAC by Ramshot as it works well, and more importantly, is really easy to measure consistently. And it looks like something people would identify as gunpowder.

It’s bullet time. The grand finale. The climactic moment. Add the bullet and crimp the case – usually in one simple step.

And now, last but not least, it’s final check time. As I put the rounds into plastic ammo boxes, I like to do one last visual check to make sure primers are there, they they are not upside down, that the case looks good with no cracks, and that there are no love handles on the case shoulder. Sometimes, a case will sneak through the system that is a tad to long, and when it gets to the bullet seating and crimping step, a very unsexy bulge is created at the shoulder. Not good. Mainly because it creates another step – pulling the bullet out and fixing the case.

And there it is. Just a few simple steps to prepare for my kids unleashing a hailstorm of .223 downrange – for at least 9 seconds.

Sometimes I think it’s just better to buy some bulk .223 from my friends at LuckyGunner.com.

Filed Under: Featured, Life, Reloading, Shooting 101 Tagged With: .223, 5.56, ar15, reloading

Signs, Mom Counting to 3, and Caning by Celery at the NRA Annual Meeting

April 17, 2012 By Tom 1 Comment

“Oh, signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs

Blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind

Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?”

While the 5 Man Electrical Band was nowhere to be found, the city of St. Louis took the message to heart – and even hired James Earl Jones to make new audio signs in case people were too busy talking about guns to pay attention to the printed signs. Well, the James Earl Jones part is not entirely confirmed – yet. We’re working on that.

We lost count of the number of “NO CONCEALED WEAPONS” signs after 14,328. And that was just on the MetroLink train. Can’t read? Not to worry – the MetroLink stations broadcast an audio message loop, part of which reminds riders that no weapons are allowed at any time. And that gum chewing get’s you caned by unripe celery. That’s where James Earl Jones comes in.

Yeah, but what if you are texting, therefore not looking at signs, while listening to Justin Bieber and his Orchestra with your earbuds? Not to worry! The MetroLink folks thoughtfully placed a 2 foot by 4 foot sign at the top of station escalators so you run right smack into it – knees first. If you read the fine print, you’ll find that reconstructive knee surgery is not covered by the city. Bummer, that hurt.

Although it may seem silly to have all those signs, there’s a good reason. Your mother can’t always be around to threaten counting to three if you don’t stop whatever it is you’re doing. Hence the signs. Given that signs are not quite as intimidating as an angry mother, it usually takes 20 or 30 of them to make you feel guilty enough to stop. Thinking about carrying your concealed gun on the MetroLink regardless? Not after you pass the 23rd sign telling you not to.

Some people think that signs are a waste of time, because people no longer read anything except text messages and Kardashian Kapers Weekly. That and the fact that bad guys will ignore the signs anyway. While there is some truth to that, scientists have discovered that inherently bad people just require more signs. Most people who turn out bad do so because their mothers would allow their bad behavior to continue all the way to the count of 4 or even 5, hence the need for more signs in their adult years. Are you beginning to see the logic? By the time the good guys get to the MetroLink ticket machine, the signs have guilted them into melting their guns to make Shake Weights. Bad guys are more stubborn, but even the worst of them can’t make it to the train platform without tearfully donating their illegal guns to Jerry’s Kids.

Taking an example from the MetroLink’s sign program effectiveness, the Americas Center also prohibits weapons through the use of signs. While these rules seemed effective on the NRA Annual Meeting attendees, as there were hardly any mass shootings at the fresh lemonade stands, gun industry employees are clearly very, very bad people. Signs or no signs, they brought tens of thousands of their guns into the show. So signs only work most of the time, not all the time – hence the need for more aggressive tactics like window stickers.

Can you even imagine how high Gun Salesmen’s moms had to count?

Filed Under: Crime, Events, Featured, Life, NRA Annual Meeting, Politics, Viewpoint Tagged With: anti-gun, Gun Laws, gun signs, nra, nra annual meeting, politics, silliness

Top 5 Ways To Teach A Successful Concealed Carry Class

March 26, 2012 By Tom Leave a Comment

Having acquired concealed carry permits from two different states over the past so many years, and forgetting to renew a license in one of them, we’ve been subjected to three different state-mandated concealed carry classes. Actually, ‘sentenced’ is probably a more accurate descriptor than ‘subjected.’

State mandated classes are always high-quality because legislators have arbitrarily selected a number of hours that students must sit attentively in the classroom. Well at least sit. While continuing to breathe of course. Students in states like South Carolina, where certified politicians have determined that eight hours of classroom study is appropriate, get extra training benefits. Because with eight hours to kill, certified instructors get to come up with all sorts of interesting and informative things to talk about.

We’ve taken these classes at three different gun ranges, with three different instructors, over a period of 10 years. Fortunately, one of the classes, not coincidentally the shortest one, was somewhat professional and more educational than a slow motion play-by-play of the Jersey Shore’s last night of the summer at the Karma nightclub.

As for the other two? We would have learned a lot more by smearing the sticky sludge in the bottom of Snookie’s tenth Kamikaze glass all over our heads while hoping to learn by osmosis.

So we thought it prudent to offer some valuable advice to some of the more teaching-challenged concealed carry class instructors out there.

Here are our top five suggestions – all based on honest-to-God experiences in our classes:

1. Be sure to cover your classroom walls with posters of scantily clad women.

After all, nothing attracts more women and families to the shooting sports than lots of photos of half-naked women.

2. Brag about how you can beat anyone in the class in a gunfight.

The respect and admiration that your class has for you almost always increases when you tell them you could beat any of them in a gunfight, because you’ve been there before. You wouldn’t panic as the bullets flew your way and you would carefully aim and take them out. Because you’re a professional instructor. And fearless.

3. Tell about that wild and crazy time when you almost committed murder.

Give a detailed account of that time you came home from work and found your ex-wife in bed with your best friend. And how you got a gun and went to murder them. But be sure to close the story with an explanation of how you came to your senses at the very last minute. You wouldn’t want students in the class to get the wrong impression of right and wrong ways to use a gun in their day to day lives. Your students will learn much from your sense of judgment and restraint.

4. Share amusing anecdotes about your shooting skills.

Try telling the class about that time when you were a bit younger, and a lot drunker, when you had one of your friends shoot an apple off your head with a .22 rifle. Nothing sets a good example for new gun owners like real-life exhibition shooting case studies. How else are your students going to get good ideas of things to try with their new guns?

5. Offer to do toe-prints of the female students.

A great way to build rapport with new lady shooters during the fingerprint process is to give your very best partially toothless smile and offer to do a set of toe-prints for free. Because you have a foot fetish. This always makes the ladies feel right at home. Your referral business is sure to grow as they’ll be more than happy to tell their friends.

This has been a public service announcement to the Fudd Firearms Trainers of America. You don’t know who you are.

Filed Under: Concealed Carry, Featured, Life, Shooting 101 Tagged With: certified politicians, concealed carry, Self-Defense, training

The Marquis Belt Buckle Gun – Shake Your Groove Thing!

January 31, 2012 By Tom Leave a Comment

“A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.” – John F. Kennedy

Fortunately for us, some ideas do not live on. For example, the Marquis Nazi Belt Buckle Pistol invented during World War I and (nearly) fielded ‘en masse’ during World War II.

Through an exhaustive research project, with some logistical assistance from our friend Wendy Cunningham of the NRA National Firearms Museum, the My Gun Culture staff has learned just how close we came to a very different course of history – and new world order.

The Marquis Belt Buckle pistol, also known informally as the Power Pelvis Gun, was conceived by Louis Marquis while interned in a POW camp during World War I. Frustrated by long chow and loo lines, Marquis was consumed by a desire to exert his authority over other POW’s without drawing the attention of guards – hence the idea for a concealed weapon not requiring the use of hands or traditional holsters. Named the Koppelschlosspistole, the design was patented before the outbreak of World War II. The patent was issued in late 1934 for a “trommelrevolver” to be mounted on a belt. Both .22 (four barrel) and .32 (two barrel) versions were produced in very limited numbers.

The innovative weapon faced challenges from the start. In order to gain approval for broad scale deployment, Marquis had to prove that average soldiers could easily be trained to use the weapon effectively. As the pistol had no sights, and relied entirely on groovy pelvic gyration to aim, it was assumed that biological instincts would overcome any training obstacles. And of course, the natural male instinct to aim for the toilet.

Not so, according to WWII historian Basil Exposition. “Training soldiers to charge, while aiming with their pelvises, proved more difficult than anticipated” commented Exposition. “Not only was it nearly impossible to run while aiming one’s midsection, it really looked quite effeminate. The enemy was not at all intimidated.”

Recent tests have determined that accuracy and effectiveness are increased if Elvis Presley songs are played at loud volume. Unfortunately for the Germans, Presley was not available to train soldiers in proper hip-aiming techniques.

However, military training teams did adjust screening criteria for prospective belt buckle assault troops, although too late to impact the war effort.

“The Nazis were quite disappointed with early field trials” explained Exposition. “Until they elected to actively recruit accomplished Salsa dancers that is. Their natural sway and hip motion really helped cut training time. However, there were few Salsa dancers in Nazi Germany at the time, and the program was not considered scalable.”

The NRA National Museum continues to search for specimens from other top-secret wartime weapons programs. Stories of experimental crotch rockets, hula hoop grenade launchers, monocle lasers, and garter garrotes persist; although surviving specimens have yet to be found.

Filed Under: Featured, Life Tagged With: Antiques, Odd, Past & Peculiar, Weird Weapons, World War II

Hornady’s Critical Defense Ammo: Will It Expand? You Suggest, We Test!

December 7, 2011 By Tom 3 Comments

Inspired by our recent review of Hornady’s Critical Defense ammunition in .357 Magnum, we’ve decided to kick things up a notch. We were pretty impressed with how this ammo expanded even after passing through hard barriers. So, with some help from the good folks at Hornady, we’re going to really put both Critical Defense and the new Critical Duty ammunition to the test.

Yup. We’re going to shoot stuff. A lot of it. With a lot of different guns. It’s a tough assignment, but someone has to do the dirty work.

We do things a little differently here, so we’re not going to stick to the basic denim in front of ballistic gelatin routine. That’s boring. And gelatin is a pain to make. We’re going to see how this ammo performs in a wide variety of, umm, real world scenarios. Real world in our slightly half-cocked view anyway.

So what do you think? Will it expand in cottage cheese? Kleenex? Old shag carpeting from the 70s? Fruitcake? Sand? Justin Bieber CD’s? A Shake-Weight?

Here’s how it works:

You send ideas on what we should shoot
We shoot it
We’ll take photos and post a story relating the experience

Pretty simple huh?

So send your ideas. Either comment on the post, contact us, post it on our Facebook wall, or Tweet us about it. We’re ready. And willing.

Filed Under: Ammunition, Life, Reviews Tagged With: ammo, ammo reviews, ammunition, Ammunition Reviews, Critical Defense, Critical Duty, Hollow Point, hornady

The Browning BAR Booger Picker Pocket

August 17, 2011 By Tom Leave a Comment

Edwin the WWI Stud Muffin

Meet Edwin. He’s a stud muffin – mainly because he walks around dressed in full WWI battle regalia.

All his buddies in the U.S. Army 79th Infantry Division think he’s a total bro because he’s a new BAR man. BAR as in Browning Automatic Rifle that is.

Edwin has come to war equipped with a cup, as all good privates should. Mainly so the private can protect his privates. It’s not like you think, however, as Edwin’s cup, or pocket, protects him in an entirely different way. Offensively, not defensively.

Early BAR men were issued an automatic rifleman’s belt with a special metal “cup” between the BAR magazine pouches and pistol magazine pouch. This cup was intended to support the BAR’s stock as the shooter fired from the hip in a concept called “walking fire.”

The idea behind this was to make an automatic weapon portable enough to accompany advancing troops. The Vickers Machine Gun was a tad too bulky and heavy for this use, even by a hunk like Edwin, and the Chauchat Machine Rifle, which was portable, was entirely French in terms of reliability and performance. Enough said.

Enter the Browning Automatic Rifle. Awfully heavy to shoulder fire under control while dashing across the shell-cratered battlefields of France, designers developed the ‘walking fire‘ concept. The stock was snugged in to a pocket or cup on the shooters ammo belt, thereby supporting some of the weight of the rifle and allowing a semblance of controlled hip firing. Historians are unclear as to whether elite troops like the German salsa-dancing belt buckle guard were specifically recruited. Among other problems with the ‘walking fire’ concept was that the very first BAR’s featured a top mounted ejection port. Of course, only those who minded brass being ejected straight into their face while attacking the huns considered the ejection system a problem.

The original Browning Automatic Rifle with top ejection port (Browning Museum, Ogden, UT)

Admit it. We all have been known to ‘dig for gold‘ now and then, but very few of us would voluntarily choose to cleanse our nasal passages with burning hot .30-06 brass at a rate of 500 to 650 rounds per minute. Semi-automatic maybe, but no way would I give up my favorite nose-clearing pinkie finger in favor of steaming brass ejecta.

As you can imagine, early testers, even those with serious allergies, complained. Something had to be done. So Mr. Browning went back to the drawing board and relocated the ejection port to the side of the BAR’s receiver. Burning booger problem solved.

And now you know the real story behind development of the BAR’s side mounted ejection system.

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: assault rifles, assault weapons, fun gun facts, military, trivia, war, WWI

Going out with a bang!

July 27, 2011 By Tom Leave a Comment

Launch Your Dead Relatives!

Holy Smoke!

Dead relatives filling up your house? Cremation Urns taking up precious counter space? No problem!

Just launch ‘em out of your rifle, pistol, or shotgun!

Holy Smoke LLC will create custom loaded pistol, rifle, or shotgun ammunition packed with a little something extra – ashes of your loved ones. For example, just send them about a pound of ashes and they can custom load a case (250) shotshells so you can take one last trip to the range with your departed friends or family. We’re guessing that your faithful hunting dog would fly as well. Pun intended.

I suppose this goes give new perspective to going out with a bang.

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: ammunition, Past & Peculiar, reloading, weird

Gunfire Erupts In South Carolina From Youth Gang Related Activity

July 25, 2011 By Tom 1 Comment

Scholastic Steel Challenge Gang Activity

Gunfire erupted in a Summerville, SC rural community over the weekend as a gang of teenagers, including some pre-teens according to witnesses, literally sprayed hundreds of bullets over a three hour period. According to some estimates, over 1,400 shots were fired before the shooting spree ended just before 1pm eastern time.

Witnesses claim the hoodlums committing these shannanigans were armed with typical ‘street guns’ including Springfield XD’s, Smith and Wesson M&P’s, and Glocks. “Typical Saturday night specials favored by criminals and thugs,” whined New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “I can’t believe that gun companies are giving our children access to these things. My people tell me that Smith and Wesson even gave them one free of charge in order to encourage this behavior.”

Gang Member Boasting His Colors

Most of the youth involved exhibited no shame and brazenly walked around with their firearms in full view. Most had exposed belt holsters, belt-mounted magazine carriers, and other tactical equipment.

“These kids were armed to the teeth,” observed a passer by. “They had lots and lots of high capacity magazines. Every one of them had at least five from what I could see.”

On further examination, It turns out that the gang was participating in a Scholastic Steel Challenge Match. A source close to the group explained the gangs colors. “They’re wearing Techwear competition shooting jerseys,” explained a mysterious adult ring leader known as Coach Mike. “They have a really cool ‘Steel Stingers’ logo on the back. Totally bad if you ask me and the kids love ‘em.”

A Teaching Moment

The Palmetto Steel Stingers ~~gang~~ team is based at Palmetto Gun Club in Charleston, South Carolina. In addition to providing a great facility for the youth to practice and hone their skills, club members are exceptionally generous with donations, loaner firearms, and free coaching and instruction. National and local gun related companies have also thrown in their support. Smith and Wesson provided a team M&P 9mm, Winchester Ammunition provided big discounts on ammunition, and local retailer East Coast Guns has donated ammunition.

Safety is the number one priority with each new team member receiving exhaustive classroom training before stepping on to the range. Coach Mike also starts each practice session with a pop quiz on the four rules of gun safety and cold range rules.

Scholastic Steel Challenge is a division of the Steel Challenge Shooting Association designed for ~~hoodlums~~ youth ages 12-20. The basic idea is to hit five steel targets as fast as possible, without missing. A youth match consists of four separate courses of fire, each with a different combination of target shape, size, and range. At each course of fire, competitors shoot five ‘strings’ with the best four times getting logged in the books. As the event is timed, each miss costs precious seconds, thereby placing a premium on accuracy and smoothness over raw speed. It’s challenging, which probably explains the name Steel Challenge.

It’s not hard to see how these kids ended up in gun toting gangs. A look at their collective backgrounds tells the story:

Top of class in a prestigious junior high school
Practices drawing and getting fast sight pictures with a paintball gun and paper plates on the clothesline
Former International Irish Dance Champion
Various members of junior and senior high school cheerleading squads
A recent graduate of a summer Civil Air Patrol program

Dangerous group isn’t it?

Got kids? Know kids? Ever seen a kid? Expose them to something fun, safe and challenging. You’ll also get the joy out of scaring the bejeepers out of any hand-wringing pantywaists nearby. Check out the Scholastic Steel Challenge program and find (or start) a youth shooting team in your area! Please, do it for the children!

Filed Under: Competitive Shooting, Life, Shooting 101 Tagged With: competitive shooting, kids, youth

Bring Home The Bacon, It’s Flitch Day!

July 19, 2011 By Tom 2 Comments

Hamley Presiding Over Flitch Day Ceremonies

Gunnies, gun nuts, gun freaks, and other others must take marital fidelity seriously.

We know this because gun people love bacon. Mmmmm. Bacon. Back to the story.

So what is it that defines the strong correlation between love of bacon and love of spouse? We don’t know. What we DO know is that this bond has been recognized since at least the 15th century, and maybe earlier, perhaps as early as the year 1104.

Enter the flitch. While it sounds like a Quiddich accessory from Harry Potter, a flitch is more or less equivalent to a side of bacon. Again, mmmmm.

As the story goes, monks of years past offered bacon bribes to married couples who could prove to a jury of bachelors and bachelorettes that they had remained committed to their marriage – pure of thought and deed – for the preceding year.

As part of their testimony to the jury of cold shower professionals, couples would recite the following oath:

We do swear by custom of confession

That we ne’re made nuptial transgression

Nor since we were married man and wife

By household brawl or contentious strife,

Or otherwise at bed or board,

Offended each other in deed or word;

Or since the parish clerk said amen,

Wished ourselves unmarried again;

Or in a twelvemonth and a day

Repented in thought in any way,

But continue true and in desire

As when we joined in holy quire.

The presiding monk would reply as follows:

Since to these conditions,

without any fear,

Of your own accord you do freely swear,

A whole flitch of bacon you shall receive,

And bear it hence with love and good leave;

For this is our custom at Dunmow well known

Though the pleasure be ours,

the bacon’s your own.

The moral of the story? As long as you are sincere about makin’ bacon with your own, you’ll continue to bring it home too.