Insanely Practical Guide to Gun Holsters

About Derringers: Pocket Guns, Sloopy and Hoochie Koo

Even though the word “derringer” sounds French, it still manages to sound tough doesn’t it?

Bond Arms Derringer Barrels

The Modern Derringer with interchangeable barrels by Bond Arms. Photo: Rick Arnold

Technically, a derringer is a pocket pistol, and for any given caliber, it’s about as small a gun as you can get. Derringers typically are not repeating firearms as the mechanism to support a repeating action would make the gun too large and bulky to classify as a derringer.

Original derringers were single shot muzzle loaders – you know, like the pistols in Pirates of the Caribbean, only much, much smaller. Modern derringers tend to have two barrels, with each loaded with a single cartridge. Even though many modern derringers can fire two shots, it’s not because they have a repeating action. They just have two single shot barrels duct taped together. Well, only the really cheap ones are duct taped. Higher quality models use staples. Nah, still kidding. Modern derringers are actually really nice guns that are the pocket gun equivalent of a nice over and under shotgun with two barrels carefully machined or welded together.

Because the history of derringers is such as fascinating tale, we’re going to take a quick diversion here.

A Brief History of The Derringer

Coincidentally, the derringer pistol was invented by an American gunsmith named Henry Deringer. Imagine the odds of that! But back to the story. Deringer ran a thriving business in Philadelphia, manufacturing Model 1814 and 1817 Common Rifles for military contracts. Of course, the real cash cow for Derringers business was running guided tours of Rocky V film locations.

Back to guns. Deringer was famous for his small pistol designs, which were all single shot muzzle loaders, usually of large-caliber. In 1852, he started making the pistols pocket-sized and they became known as derringers. Henry Deringer did not think of his derringer pistol as anything particularly noteworthy and therefore never patented his invention. Seeing market opportunity, Apple quickly launched the iDerringer to capitalize on the design’s popularity. As a result, Henry died leaving only a modest estate and was never invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.

As the derringer gained in popularity, specific designs for women, called muff pistols, became fashionable. No, we’re not making this up. Muff pistols were popular as the small derringer could easily fit in hand muffs, thereby offering concealment and quick access should an urgent self-defense need arise.

After President Lincoln was assassinated by a bad actor, John Wilkes Booth, with a Philadelphia Derringer in 1865, Henry Deringer was overcome with anguish. Leaving the life of guns behind, he decided to change not only his name, but his life’s work. Adding another “R” to his last name, and assuming the first name of “Rick”, Derringer was confident this bold new identity change would hide his past. He helped form a pop band called The McCoys and played lead guitar and a little bass on occasion. Success came slowly for Derringer and The McCoys and they released their first hit in 1965 – a single titled Hang on Sloopy. At the age of 179 Derringer had managed to reinvent his life. Hang on Sloopy paid homage to the importance of small, personal defense weapons as the song tells the story of Sloopy, who lived in a very pad part of town, where everybody tried to put her down. Many also put down her daddy, but Derringer didn’t care what her daddy do.

Rick Derringer continued to drift away from his gun-making past and launched another hit single in the 1970’s titled Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo. However, Derringer’s songwriting continued to drop hints of his more tactical past with lyrics like “lawdy mama, light my fuse.”

During Rick Derringer’s absence from the gun industry, derringer pistols declined in popularity. The advent of small revolvers and even smaller semi-automatic pistols diminished the advantages of one or two shot derringers.

Until the advent of Cowboy Action Shooting…

In 1995, Greg Bond, custom derringer maker and half-brother of James, officially founded Bond Arms. Never one to enjoy tuxedos and that silly accent, Greg parted ways with his brother and headed west across the pond to Granbury, Texas. Insistent on his belief that modern gun design could be applied to the derringer, Bond brought several innovations to the classic derringer design. In addition to easy locking double barrels and a safer rebounding hammer design, Bond introduced the idea of interchangeable barrels. Now, one derringer frame could use barrels from the lowly .22 long rifle all the way up to .45 Colt. Even when pressed, Bond would not comment on rumors of his brother’s custom 40mm grenade derringer.

Continuing to distance himself from the family spy business, Bond and his Arms became ingrained in the Cowboy Action Shooting competition circuit where models like the Snake Slayer helped good guys and villains alike win 10 consecutive titles.

Derringers continue to be popular today, where they are a mainstay fixture on the World Poker Tour, Except of course in the City of New York, where some New Boy King banned playing cards.

A Second Amendment Fairy Tale…

A Second Amendment Fairy Tale

Once upon a time…

In a faraway land called Murrica, there was a great struggle, lasting many days and nights. You see, the settlers of Murrica were tormented by an insatiable and covetous evil troll known as George Threepence. While George lived across the great waters, in the hinterlands, he insisted on taxing the settlers with many fees and regulations. After all, he did not get the name George Threepence for his generosity.

Fed up with overzealous overdraft fees and parking tickets without representation, the villagers of Murrica were desperate to be free of the troll. They called upon a new leader, George Chiseled-Face for help. George Chiseled-Face had a plan. He knew that the good people of Murrica were well schooled in the use of magic kablooey powder and many of them maintained stores of it for their personal protection and other uses.

Without delay, George Chiseled-Face rode throughout the land of Murrica, yelling at the top of his lungs, “Militia! Militia! That means you – all you settlers of Murrica!” And it was in this way, that the people of Murrica had determined to organize themselves into a fighting force to oust George Threepence, the troll. For the people did not trust big armies like George the troll had. They preferred to call themselves up to service and yell “Militia!” with great enthusiasm as needs arose. It was most exhilarating!

Using their wits, a collection of farm animals and copious quantities of magic kablooey powder, the good people of Murrica, led by George Chiseled-Face and many fair and white-wigged princes, fought battle after battle with troll George’s Red Socks, until finally forcing them out at home plate.

Knowing the great responsibility that comes with independence, the settlers of Murrica began referring to themselves as citizens, believing that “serfs” and “settlers” were unbecoming descriptions for freedom-loving Murricans.

One of the first acts of the citizens of Murrica was to write things down on paper. These important ideas and observations were known as The Amendments. Even though the ideas written as The Amendments were thought to be so flipping obvious as not to need writing down, some of the older citizens knew better. Having fought trolls, gnomes and a few goblins in the past, the elder statesmen knew that some future idiot would try to change things because he thought he was really smart. Being very wise, all the citizens agreed on a bunch of Amendments over pizza, chicken wings and 14 gallons of hard cider.

The new citizens of Murrica knew the importance of being able to protect themselves against future trolls – whether said trolls came from across one of the great ponds, or from within. So they made it very clear that, forever and always, citizens of Murrica would maintain their stocks of magic kablooey powder.

This idea was so important to them that they wrote it down second, just after the idea about making sure they could always speak and write things down. This second idea, about keeping other people’s grubby mitts off their magic kablooey powder, came to be known as the Second Amendment.

Many years went by and the citizens of Murrica suffered growing pains, a few wars and the invention of the Shake Weight. But all in all, the Murricans had developed a pretty good system of government.

During this time, most Murrican citizens never forgot the importance of The Amendments, especially the second one. They knew that George Chiseled-Face and his assemblage of white-wigged princes did exceptionally well on the SAT tests and had provided them with wise and timeless governing principles.

Over the years, the industrious Murricans developed many wonderful uses for magic kablooey powder. Like making beautiful light displays in the sky. They learned how to harvest wild animals to make bacon and roast beef using the magical kablooey powder. They even developed sporting contests using magic kablooey powder. While these other activities with magic kablooey powder were interesting and useful, the citizens never forgot the real reason that magic kablooey powder was protected by the Second Amendment. For it had enabled them to gain and maintain their freedom from the penurious and irritable troll, George.

From time to time, a bold gnome or troll would pretend to be a Murrican citizen and try to erase some of The Amendments. Fortunately Murricans were a pretty independent bunch, and TV had not been invented just yet, so they had numerous hours of free time. They paid attention to current events and stopped these trolls and gnomes right in their tracks. During those times, it sure was hard to fool a Murrican citizen.

Years had passed since the last insidious internal troll infiltration, and some citizens has forgotten the importance of The Amendments. And of course, by this time, none of them were alive when Murricans lived under the oppressive troll-thumb of George Threepence. During this time, shows like “I Dream of Jeanie” and “American Idol” were invented and this caused many Murrican citizens to succumb to a trance-like state of unawareness and apathy.

Just then, a charming new boy king was crowned in Murrica’s capitol city of Deesee. While some Murricans were suspicious, many were entranced by his spell and ability to read poems from magical glass screen crystals. He filled his court with all manner of trolls, gnomes, goblins and even a few fairies. And all of them lived high on the pork in the glamorous capitol city of Deesee.

The new king also enjoyed the services of many court jesters who would do and say outrageous things in hopes of getting a few minutes of airtime on XBCNN, the boy king’s personal scribe network.

Alas, the boy king encountered many difficulties as the land of Murrica was in turbulent times. Murrica had maxed out its Capitol One Murrica Card and rather than make minimum payments, the boy king decided to take out payday signature loans.

The bottom line was that the land faced a serious shortage of doubloons – and this caused great consternation. Citizens were lined up like never before at the boy king’s court, demanding lower taxes, jobs and cell phones. Something had to be done! After all, the citizens of Murrica were not happy, and the king remembered that citizens in Murrica had magic kablooey powder. He was concerned that the citizens would revolt, as they did against George Threepence. The king decided to enlist the help of his court jesters to solve the problem.

The boy king’s jesters studied the problem for many suns and moons. They even consulted the Oracle of Soros, but the Oracle of Soros was too busy straddling hedges to be of much help.

Suddenly, the king’s prized magical talking donkey, Joseph, came up with an idea! “Perhaps we could disarm the angry citizens before they get entirely too upset! We could get our sorcerers to cast a spell on our subjects to make them believe that we’re taking control of the magic kablooey powder for their own good and safety! But of course, we will have all the magic powder. This will allow us to do what we think is best for the citizens without interference.”

The king was smart, and also a little bit sneaky, and thought Joseph the magical talking donkey had a wonderful plan.

The king proclaimed “Joseph! Gather all the other asses and implement this plan immediately! I will reward you greatly by allowing you to dine at my table with the minstrels from the western lands of Follywood Forest. They love to visit the royal palace and will entertain us and possibly stroke our egos. Perhaps the minstrels will assist you in your quest by making cheesy public service announcements!”

So Joseph went to work. First, he enlisted the help of some of his must trusted Rose Garden Gnomes. Sir Joe ManlyChin and Prince Patsy TooEasilyInfluenced were chosen to enlist the support of the majority of the Council of Inaction magistrates.  Joseph knew that he could also rely on the magical powers of fossilized bones buried deep in the Council Chambers. Legends bespeak that the bones are the remains of an ancient hobgoblin, Harry the Misleader, believed to be a founding troll of the Council of Inaction. The legends also say Harry’s bones would rattle occasionally during times of great political opportunity.

Joseph realized that not many people would listen to a magical talking ass, and knew that he needed to call upon the most enchanting sorcerers from the Teevee territories. He quickly dispatched his elves to locate them. After following a trail of New York Times clippings and Panera Bread crumbs, the elves found three of the most powerful sorcerers: WereWolf Blitzkrieg from the province of Concoction Narration Network, Boy Prince-in-Waiting Pierpont Morganstern and a sputtering goblin known as LudiChris Matt-P-U.

All had proven microphone-mojo magical powers of hysteria and would be most helpful with Joseph’s quest. Joseph then asked the sorcerers to concoct enchantment fables, potions and mystical moving pictures that would entrance, entertain, and numb the citizens into a perpetual state of blissful unawareness. So they did.

The king had much power, in his own mind, but knew that he would need to enlist the full cooperation of the Council of Inaction. For if the Council of Inaction agreed to the plan, the citizens would certainly not doth protest too much.

The big day of the Council of Inaction vote arrived, and the king, his court and all the Rose Garden Gnomes, trolls, sorcerers and minstrels were most joyful, as the boy king’s plans had never been thwarted.

But little did the king’s court understand that a gallant prince, Robin LaPierre and his band of Merry Riflemen, had been hard at work. Robin and his Merry Riflemen not only had knowledge of the magic kablooey powder, but even more importantly understood the powerful magic of the internet. For the internet had mystical power to shatter the sorcerers enchantment spells and deliver scrolls of truth to the citizens. While many citizens succumbed to the sorcerers moving picture spells, and continued watching reruns of The Bachelorette, a great multitude were able to see through the boy king’s evil plot.

Late in the day, the Council withdrew to the secret chambers to consider the king’s proclamation. Imagine the boy king’s surprise when many of his magistrates on the Council of Inaction defied his instructions! He stormed and stomped and made vile threats of retribution. But the good citizens of Murrica were not afraid. For they knew that with the magic kablooey powder came freedom and independence.

To this very day, the boy king and his trolls, Rose Garden Gnomes and other insidious villains try to thwart the well-being of the citizens of Murrica. But they remain vigilant and sure, thanks to The Second Amendment.

300 AAC Blackout – You Have to Admit, They Take After Mom and Dad…

300 AAC Blackout with .308 and .223

Top 5 Reasons to Own a Gun

1. Because you can’t (legally) poke Michael Bloomberg in the eye.

But you can figuratively, by exercising your Second Amendment right. Every time someone guys a gun, a bell rings. Wait a sec, that’s not right. Every time a bell rings, Chuck Schumer sprouts bat wings. No, hang on, we’ll get it. Every time someone buys a gun, one of the Mayors Against Legal Governing commits another crime. That’s close enough for government work… Do you want to know why Dianne Feinstein and Bloomie (allegedly) wear Depends? Because Second Amendment, that’s why!

Lots of guns - rifles, pistols, ar15

Buy a gun. Better yet, several.

2. Because the MK-19 Automatic Grenade Launcher is too heavy.

It’s a crew served weapon after all and generally takes 3 people to move and operate it. The gun itself if a whopping 72 pounds. The tripod adds another 44 pounds, and the small and large ammo cans are 42 and 60 pounds respectively. Plus the large ammo belt of 40mm grenades has recently been banned in New York and Colorado. While the blast radius offers excellent self-defense capability, it’s hard on the back, surrounding buildings and low flying aircraft.

3. Because Uncle Sam says so.

No, not Uncle Barack. Uncle Sam. No, not the bearded guy in the World War II posters. I mean Uncle Sam Adams. You know, the guy who invented beer. Oh, and he also proposed this verbiage for U.S. Constitution ratification at the Massachusetts convention: “And that the said Constitution be never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.”

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

4. Nothing opens a jar of grape jelly like a .357 Sig hollow point.

Forget those rubber pads and Black and Decker electric jar openers. Try opening your condiments with gusto and plenty of drama! Because YOLO…

5. Because you can.

You have a God-given, not government granted right to protect yourself and your loved ones. It’s as simple as that.

A Heart Of Evil Obeys No Laws – Thoughts On Newtown

Newtown, CTOur hearts are broken over yesterday’s tragedy in Newtown, CT. Our prayers go out to the victims, families, staff, friends, and first responders. How a monster can target the most innocent among us is simply beyond sane comprehension.

In the wake of yesterday’s tragic events, Massad Ayoob posted an article entitled “Against Monsters.” It’s a reminder that societal evil has been, and will continue to be, a human problem. Go read it. Now. We’ll wait.

Monsters have always been, and always will be, among us. Anyone remember King Herod?

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Matthew 2:16

The pinnacle of arrogance is to think that a problem so complex as human societal evil has a “simple” hardware solution. Evil is a problem of the heart. Not of laws, devices, or rules. The most egregious acts against humanity show little favoritism of tools when someone is committed to evil. Our recent history demonstrates morbid creativity by monsters. 9/11 (box cutters), Oklahoma City (garden fertilizer), Bath School (fire and bomb), Happy Land Social Club (gasoline). Just yesterday – yes, the exact same day as the Newtown massacre – a monster in the Henan Province of China slashed 22 children with a knife – one of dozens of identical incidents over the past three years.

As I said a moment ago, complex problems don’t have simple solutions. So the point here is that you have to decide whether to acknowledge that evil exists, and prepare, or to bury your head in the sand and hope that someone passes a “feel-good” law to provide some short-lived false sense of security.

Me? The jury came in a long time ago regarding the effectiveness of “feel-good” legislation. I choose to recognize that evil exists in the world and to prepare accordingly. The root source of monstrous acts is not going away. The monsters’ methods of implementation will vary, as they have since the beginning of time. While we all would like to apply a band-aid and pat ourselves on the back for “fixing it” that’s just a desperate fantasy.

Read. Study. Be alert. Prepare for the unexpected – even for the unimaginable.

Be safe out there people.

On The Morrow We Meet. Dawn. 5 Paces.

On the morrow we meet. Speer Gold Dot .45 ACP vs. Fruit Cake

Free Holsters! And Our “High Road” Response To A Vicious Attack By Women’s Outdoor News

Mmm. Yet another vicious and completely unprovoked attack by the Tacti-Chix over at Women’s Outdoor News

And, as before, here we are, innocently minding our own business, eating Cheetos and butter while watching Project Ultimate Monster Truck. Harming no one, except maybe Eric Holder for his role in Fast and Furious. After all we’re a community pillar of class and tasteful refinement, excepting that unfortunate Whoopee Cushion incident in church the other day.

Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holsters

Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holsters

Apparently the girls at @TeamWON have been watching too many political ads and the lies, half-truths, and distortions have tainted their judgement. In their recent open letter, they clearly accuse us, yes US, of neglecting women with our fetish coverage of holsters.

Yes, we recently finished a free PDF version of our Insanely Practical Holster Guide. And in that, we did in fact cover some women’s holsters. I am quite certain we mentioned Lisa Looper’s Flashbang bra holster. And Lisa Looper is a woman. And the Flashbang is for women only. And of course some special men with a little extra up top.

OK, so our initial coverage may have little light for the Y chromosome types.

But, in fairness to us, the Insanely Practical Holster Guide was just an introductory teaser to our full length book, due out on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, and iTunes by December 1, 2012.

In our full length Insanely Practical Guide to Gun Holsters, we cover lots and lots of women’s holsters. In fact, we’ve got a whole chapter devoted to holsters for women only. And of course, the other chapters feature many unisex holsters – those equally appropriate for members of all seven sexes.

We’re glad that all y’all ladies over there called out this issue by giving away a Blackhawk Level 2 Serpa Tactical Thigh Holster rig. We gotta hand it to you – that’s some pretty awesome gear for an active lady. We’re actually in the end stages of finishing up a review on a waist mounted Serpa setup and it’s pretty awesome. Rock solid.

Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces fixed blade knife

Another must have accessory for the tactical girl – the Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces Knife.

And one of our genuine female editors, who also happens to be my daughter, has been Jonesing for a Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces fixed blade knife. Yes, I trained her well thank you very much.

While we totally respect your choice of the Blackhawk Thigh Rig as an ultimate ladies holster contender, we think you’ll have to agree that the well equipped woman will also need something a little dressier for evening events – like some light 7 figure gambling at the Monte Carlo Casino. While the thigh rig would be effective, it definitely does not go with silk, pearls and those really cool rectangular Baccarat chips.

So we’re going to recommend something with function and pizazz – the Pretty Dangerous Accessories holster. It fits a variety of guns, can be carried in a variety of ways, and comes in really sexy styles. Like hair-on cowhide, red crocodile, purple ostrich, and black lizard. We just completed a more detailed review here.

Just as a teaser, and to show that we’re not women ignorers, we’re going to host our own free holster giveaway extravaganza. With a little help from Pretty Dangerous Accessories, who are graciously donating the free holsters.

We’re going to give away not one, but two Pretty Dangerous Accessories holsters.

How to win a free Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holster!

Here’s the easy part. Just leave a comment below. That’s it.

And for your shot at winning a Blackhawk Serpa Tactical Thigh Rig and some gear from Girls With Guns Clothing, just leave a comment on Women’s Outdoor News here.

We’ll both be doing a random drawing on Monday November 4 to pick a bunch of lucky winners!

Now would you Women’s Outdoor News chicks please let me get back to my Cheetos and butter?

A Brief History of Gun Holsters

Gun HolstersHolsters have been around longer than you might think – almost as long as Cher has been parading around wearing doilies. In fact, holsters actually pre-dated guns. Do you really think bands of wooly mammoth hunters carried spears and rocks in their hands? After all, they couldn’t invent important things like fire and Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts with their hands all full of weapons.

While we don’t have the space to cover all of the many interesting and important developments in the history of holsters, we can touch on some of the highlights.

11th Century BC
Future King of Israel, David, popularizes the concept of holsters by toting around large round stones with which he kills big bullies. This earliest form of holster is known, from careful study and translation of ancient texts, to be called a ‘sack.’

1297
William Wallace, otherwise known as Braveheart, popularizes the SmartCarry holster design – then known as a sporran. Sporrans were, and continue to be, worn on most fashionable kilts. As guns were not yet invented, historians believe that Wallace carried spare breath mints and a copy of his film rights agreement in his sporran. Wallace’s aggressive attitude prompts officials to ban sporrans in New York City.

1770
Europeans discover that kangaroos were designed with natural inside-the-waistband carry holsters when James Cooks’ ship Endeavor runs aground off Queensland, Australia. Kangaroos are immediately banned in New York City.

1800
Western style pommel bags serve as carry devices for multiple large handguns. They quickly fall out of fashion when Clint Eastwood refers to them as ‘man purses.’

1805
Historians believe that French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte invents a predecessor to the FlashBang Bra Holster, as evidenced by many portraits showing him fondling a derringer underneath his blouse.

1840’s
From careful frame-by-frame analysis of period documentaries like Blazing Saddles, historians have learned that belt holsters became fashionable for single shot pistols and early revolvers.

1966
Leather sixgun holsters become popular when a series of low budget spaghetti western films are produced like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Early design ideas are scrapped when it is determined that spaghetti does not ride well in leather holsters. And it makes many holsters soggy.

1969
Richard Gallagher founds The Original Jackass Leather Company in Chicago, IL. When he discovers that few Jackasses carry guns, the company is renamed to Galco Gunleather and relocates to Phoenix, AZ. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg immediately bans Jackasses from carrying concealed. And the state of Arizona.

1986
Man purses become fashionable, primarily in Europe. Otherwise known as man bags or murses, they are still just purses. Some men, concerned about their metro-masculine image, encouraged folks to call these bags ‘satchels’, but let’s face it – if it looks like a purse, and acts like a purse, it’s a purse. While seemingly a great concealed carry holster innovation, the fad rapidly lost popularity when European men realize that handguns are banned in most of their countries.

1993
Inspired, and scared probably scared witless, by his pack failing and dumping “a ton” of gear into the middle of an Iraqi minefield, Navy SEAL Mike Noell founds Blackhawk!

EDITORS NOTE: We do not recommend or condone dumping your gear into an enemy minefield. Always hurl your gear into enemy minefields from a safe distance. For example, from central Idaho.

One of Blackhawk!’s successes is the Serpa retention holster designed to secure a handgun against accidental release or removal by evil d00dz. In a launch publicity stunt, illusionist David Copperfield attempts to escape from a 23x scale Serpa Holster.

1995
The Kydex revolution begins when Blade-Tech founder Tim Wegner melts several toaster ovens in his kitchen in early attempts to make Kydex knife sheaths. Wegner’s wife gently and lovingly encourages him to move the budding business to the garage – where companies are normally started. When associates point out to Wegner that one shouldn’t bring knives to gun fights, the business begins to focus on Kydex holsters for guns.

2009
Addressing concerns that holsters can make one’s butt look big, Lisa Looper invents the Flashbang bra holster. Apparently it’s better for one’s, umm, chest to look big. Ok then, moving on…

 

We hope you have enjoyed this preview from our forthcoming book, My Gun Culture’s Insanely Practical Holster Book.

Our free Insanely Practical Guide PDF is available here. While it contains a fraction of the information that is covered in the full book, there’s plenty of useful stuff in there, and it’s free, so check it out.

A Brief History of Ammunition

Much is written by  important gun writers about modern day ammunition. Many lengthy diatribes discuss whether a single .45 ACP projectile, launched from a 1911 designed by John Moses Browning (God rest his soul), can really cause an earthquake in Dubuque, Iowa. However, we’ve noticed that no one has taken the time, or made the effort, to provide an abbreviated history of ammunition. Until now. After all, it’s not just an adventure, it’s our job.

Hornady Critical Defense ammo test shooting yogurt

Throughout history, ammunition has been used for many important things. Such as the destruction of butt modulating yogurt.

14,320 B.C.    Former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell flings poo at an equally abrasive primate. The offended, and now fetid, anthropoid flings monkey poo back at her. This is the first known conflict to make use of airborne projectiles. Mayor Bloomberg responds by banning monkey poo in New York City.

8900 B.C.    Citizen Grmphhft accumulates numerous .942 to .987 caliber rocks for purposes of ‘chunking’ at the neighbors when hunting parties get a little too rambunctious. Unfortunately, shortly after creating the first ‘ammunition stockpile’ he is arrested for possession of assault rocks. Nearby cave dwellers question the need for such stockpiles of ammunition.

1815    The word ammunition is coined from the French word la munition, which translates approximately to “war material vigorously thrown to the ground during surrender.”

1861 − 1865    Many, many guys with different types of red, white, and blue flags shoot large hunks of lead at each other. While much of this material is manufactured from melted down fishin’ weights, it’s still classified as ammunition.

1896    While not the first user of a hollow point bullet design, many recognize Lieutenant-Colonel Neville Sneyd Bertie-Clay of the British Royal Artillery as the inventor of the expanding bullet for use in combat. Invented at the Dum Dum Arsenal near Calcutta, the soft point .303 rifle bullet was designed to increase stopping power against charging enemy. It worked as numerous enemy developed allergic reactions to being shot.

1914    British pilot, Sir Basil Exposition, hurls a brick at a German observation plane, marking the first use of large caliber ammunition. Bricks are immediately outlawed in New York City, along with Twizzlers.

1936    The Third Reich amasses the world’s largest stockpile of la munition by threatening to invade France. Previously unemployed German recycling truck drivers scamper around the French countryside picking up surrendered ‘les munitions.

1960    Vernon Speer creates a new line of ammunition for the police community branded Speer Lawman. Chuck Norris give complimentary reviews of the product, but later politely reminds Speer that he does not need ammunition.

New York Times at the shooting range

Esteemed publications like The New York Times have even participated in the development and testing of ammunition.

1967    Famed British spy, James Bond, annihilates the Russian army using .32 ACP ammunition and a Walther PPK. In a show of one-upmanship, famed American spy Jason Bourne elects to save the free world with several 9mm cartridges.

1982    Tired of the family pipering business, Peter Pi founds CorBon Ammunition. Industry pundits speculate that CorBon attains extra-high velocities through judicious use of nuclear fission technology.

1992    Winchester releases the Black Talon hollow point bullet. This revolutionary design features a special reverse tapered jacket and cuts that encourage the projectile to expand outward via six razor sharp petals. Winchester discontinues the line when a stray round destroys the city of Cleveland.

2009    Winchester releases the PDX1 line of personal defense ammunition. Evolved from the Black Talon and Ranger SXT lines, it so far has not destroyed any major cities, but does a wonderful job on watermelons.

2009    Luckygunner.com Ammunition is founded when the company sells 9mm Federal American Eagle Ammunition via GunBroker.com for a profit. eBay.com shares fall 12% when investors realize the company has elected not to participate in the lucrative ammunition market.

2011    Winchester Ammunition elects to move manufacturing from Illinois to Mississippi to reduce spelling errors. Company officials believe that the ‘em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye’ song will help staff avoid embarrassing spelling errors with the corporate address.

2011    Holy Smokes! Some ammunition is now made out of dead people!

2011    Federal Ammunition releases it’s Guard Dog line of “Expanding Full Metal Jacket” personal defense ammunition. It’s no chihuahua.

2011    Hornady Critical Defense premium self-defense ammunition is released.

2012    Hornady announces Really, Really, Really Critical Situation Critical Defense ammunition for super-duper critical situations.

2012    In a display of bold investigative journalism, the New York Times agrees to go to a shooting range to participate in an ammunition testing session.

2012    Exhaustive tests find that Hornady Critical Defense and Critical Duty ammunition are effective means to improve intestinal regularity. Activia spokesperson Jamie Lee Curtis is not pleased at the senseless destruction of many containers of butt modulating yogurt.

Well there you have it. While we may have missed one or two details along the way, you now know know the real story behind the development of modern ammunition.

Top 8 Reasons National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day Won’t Work Here

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This Saturday, June 9, is National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day.

This first annual event aims to encourage Moms and Dads to get their daughters to the range to learn how to shoot safely. Herein lies the problem in our household.

You see, our daughter is ever-so-slightly tactical. You know, the kind of girly girl that always has a few random rifle cartridges on her nightstand along with an assortment of folding knives. Add a Kimber PepperBlaster II to daily attire and you’ve got the picture.

Here are the top reasons why National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day won’t work so well here…

  1. Folks at the range are already far more impressed at her finesse handling the Hakim battle rifle than mine.
  2. She has already shot a Slidefire-equipped AK-74. I have not. Yes, the AK-74, not AK-47, version.
  3. Her Glock is bigger than mine.
  4. She manages to keep all 30 rounds of .45 ACP from a Kriss Vector SMG in the A-zone – at a full auto rate of 1,500 rpm.
  5. She can take herself to the range. And frequently does…
  6. She’s on better speaking terms with former Top Shot Champs Iain Harrison and Dustin Ellerman than I am.
  7. I’ve never been to the range with R. Lee Ermey
  8. She’s shot a Smith & Wesson .300 Whisper. Suppressed. I have not.

What can we possibly hope to gain by taking her to the range? We need to rework this whole thing to something along the lines of National Take Your Dad To The Range Day.

But seriously, visit the National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day website to learn more. As of this writing, 35 ranges across the country are participating and you can find them here. If there is not one in your area, just take your own crew to your favorite range. And be sure to tell them about this annual event!

Be safe, have fun, and shoot like a girl!