Routine follow up on this weekend’s breaking news that ATF agents are being honored on United States currency indicated that the failed sting operation has become more mainstream…
In a bold move today, the Treasury Department announced plans to honor ATF Operation Fast and Furious ringleaders on new US currency. Promoted to Special Assistant to the Assistant Director of the agency’s Office of Management for his pivotal role in enabling the murder of at least one US Government agent and hundreds of Mexican civilians, Agent William Newell will be the first to be recognized – appearing on $100 bills later this fall.
“We felt it appropriate to launch this memorial program with the $100 bill as it is the currency of choice for drug kingpins,” commented Assistant US Treasury Secretary George Soros. “Most of the guns we let run into Mexico were in fact purchased with $100 bills so it just seemed kind of appropriate. Plus I like carrying a lot of hundreds around – it makes me feel more elite.”
The new move is not without controversy. “What do I have to do to get on the money?” complained notorious New York investment scam artist Bernie Madoff. “I mean I didn’t directly kill anyone, but my actions were much more closely tied to money and stuff like that. Sheesh!”
Many insiders agree that the move will help stifle further investigation of embattled ATF leadership figures. “We hope to associate these patriotic ATF agents with happy things people do with their money, like buying candy, cocaine, and beer” explained Attorney General Eric Holder. “That way, they will be far less supportive of ugly things like congressional inquiries and such.”
While dates are not firm, the Treasury plans to release new $20 and $50 bills featuring ATF agents William G. McMahon and David Voth early this winter.
Coming soon to an airport near you! No word yet as to whether passengers will have to cough.
As a side note, we regret to inform our readers that the entire editorial staff of My Gun Culture will be placed on the “no fly” list any moment now.
Reports of a shootout at the family compound of ThePioneerWoman.com have recently surfaced. Witnesses say that as many as 16 individuals, including a number of children, were involved. While it is known that no injuries resulted, there are reports of female on male taunting. Questions remain as to the cause of the shooting. Friends believe it was the result of some form of unusual social ritual.
The police were not dispatched.
Automatic gunfire erupted from the residence of actor Charlie Sheen late last night when a gang of alleged womanizers arrived at the stars’ home to take custody of “The Goddesses.” Eyewitnesses indicate that Sheen was armed with a Saco M60 E3 Shorty belt-fed weapon. Fortunately no one was hurt as Sheen apparently obtained a blank firing version of the weapon from the NRA Museum’s Hollywood Gun Exhibit.
According to neighbors, a commotion started at approximately 3:30am when Sheen opened fire on the group of lovestruck romeos from his balcony. Eyewitnesses heard Sheen shouting “Taking my kids is one thing, but there’s no way you’re getting The Goddesses! I’m a rock star from Mars! Duh! Winning! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
According to police at the scene, the gang of alleged womanizers appeared at Sheen’s doorstep with a court order from Judge Judy authorizing them to take custody of The Goddesses. “When we realized Charlie was preoccupied with losing his kids, we saw an opportunity to get some hot porn stars” explained Brett Favre. “So I called up a few of my friends and we went to court to get a restraining order.”
Other participants in The Goddesses’ intervention group included Wilt Chamberlain, Jersey Shore reality star Single Ronnie, Hugh Hefner, pro golfer Tiger Woods, and Giacomo Casanova. “When I heard that Goddesses came in pairs, there was no question about me joining this effort” commented Hefner. Some neighbors claimed to have seen John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey with the gang, but those reports remain unconfirmed.
Recent studies by noted economist John Lott have uncovered a surprising and unexpected outcome of some countries’ efforts to curb crime with strict gun ban measures.
“Initially when we implemented gun ban measures, we hoped for an arse about face change in murder and other violent crimes” observed Ed Balls, Shadow Home Secretary. While we really didn’t see that outcome, which kind of brassed me off, what we did find was far more brilliant. Really.”
Government officials recently unveiled new crime figures to the public, allowing analysis of murder rate trends in England, Wales, and Ireland since respective gun bans were implemented. To the surprise and dismay of many government staffers, the post gun ban crime figures appeared to show dramatic increases in murder and other violent crimes including assault, armed robbery, and rape.
“Blimey. The crime increases are a load of codswallop” complained Balls. “But look at the bright side – we’ve got some really interesting graphs now. Before we enacted the bans, our year to year graphs and charts were really quite boring. Flat year after year. When you’re trying to impress the Queen the last thing you want is flat line graphs. She’ll think you’re barmy if you don’t show up with impressive PowerPoint slides once in a while.”
Alistair Birtwistle, a rising star in the House of Commons agrees. “Being a government official, I don’t really know much about posting results, but from the Federal Express commercials I see on the telly, it appears one should really show graphs that are climbing upward, and our legislation posted very good results on that front. We’ve got spikes, climbs, trends, growth, and Bob’s your uncle.”
The number of gun permits surged 15% over the past two years according to The Boston Globe, creating near perfect conditions for increasing the state’s criminal population. With the addition of 28,000 Class A firearms permits, commonly called a “license to carry,” Massachusetts now has over 224,000 newly minted criminals in training.
Some questioned the connection between gun permit holders and crime. “Do you really think a permit alone qualifies these people as criminals?” asked one citizen. “It takes years of incarceration to learn the tricks of the trade and none of these folks have never seen the inside of the slammer. I think this is really going to bring down the quality level of our average hoodlum.”
But police officials generally disagree. “Look, if these people were really law abiding, why would they want to own and carry a gun?” asked Boston Police Captain Patrick O’Malley. “We’re just thankful that they are generally docile and easier to arrest. If we have to arrest people anyway, I would much rather that person be an accountant or housewife rather than a gang banger or street thug.”
Most agree that the surge in permit activity will yield much needed economic benefits by decreasing criminal unemployment and swelling the ranks of state and county law enforcement.
“We’re thrilled about the fresh crop of citizens to rough up.” said Harry Callahan, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Office of Public Safety. “We’re going to have to hire at least 750 new officers statewide to harass these folks.”