Spotted near Sierra Vista, AZ… Any chance this is related to Operation Fast and Furious?
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Spotted near Sierra Vista, AZ… Any chance this is related to Operation Fast and Furious?
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This is pretty much how it went down.
More funny stuff at the My Gun Culture Store…
Reports of a shootout at the family compound of ThePioneerWoman.com have recently surfaced. Witnesses say that as many as 16 individuals, including a number of children, were involved. While it is known that no injuries resulted, there are reports of female on male taunting. Questions remain as to the cause of the shooting. Friends believe it was the result of some form of unusual social ritual.
The police were not dispatched.
You just can’t make this stuff up…
Automatic gunfire erupted from the residence of actor Charlie Sheen late last night when a gang of alleged womanizers arrived at the stars’ home to take custody of “The Goddesses.” Eyewitnesses indicate that Sheen was armed with a Saco M60 E3 Shorty belt-fed weapon. Fortunately no one was hurt as Sheen apparently obtained a blank firing version of the weapon from the NRA Museum’s Hollywood Gun Exhibit.
According to neighbors, a commotion started at approximately 3:30am when Sheen opened fire on the group of lovestruck romeos from his balcony. Eyewitnesses heard Sheen shouting “Taking my kids is one thing, but there’s no way you’re getting The Goddesses! I’m a rock star from Mars! Duh! Winning! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
According to police at the scene, the gang of alleged womanizers appeared at Sheen’s doorstep with a court order from Judge Judy authorizing them to take custody of The Goddesses. “When we realized Charlie was preoccupied with losing his kids, we saw an opportunity to get some hot porn stars” explained Brett Favre. “So I called up a few of my friends and we went to court to get a restraining order.”
Other participants in The Goddesses’ intervention group included Wilt Chamberlain, Jersey Shore reality star Single Ronnie, Hugh Hefner, pro golfer Tiger Woods, and Giacomo Casanova. “When I heard that Goddesses came in pairs, there was no question about me joining this effort” commented Hefner. Some neighbors claimed to have seen John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey with the gang, but those reports remain unconfirmed.
Recent studies by noted economist John Lott have uncovered a surprising and unexpected outcome of some countries’ efforts to curb crime with strict gun ban measures.
“Initially when we implemented gun ban measures, we hoped for an arse about face change in murder and other violent crimes” observed Ed Balls, Shadow Home Secretary. While we really didn’t see that outcome, which kind of brassed me off, what we did find was far more brilliant. Really.”
Government officials recently unveiled new crime figures to the public, allowing analysis of murder rate trends in England, Wales, and Ireland since respective gun bans were implemented. To the surprise and dismay of many government staffers, the post gun ban crime figures appeared to show dramatic increases in murder and other violent crimes including assault, armed robbery, and rape.
“Blimey. The crime increases are a load of codswallop” complained Balls. “But look at the bright side – we’ve got some really interesting graphs now. Before we enacted the bans, our year to year graphs and charts were really quite boring. Flat year after year. When you’re trying to impress the Queen the last thing you want is flat line graphs. She’ll think you’re barmy if you don’t show up with impressive PowerPoint slides once in a while.”
Alistair Birtwistle, a rising star in the House of Commons agrees. “Being a government official, I don’t really know much about posting results, but from the Federal Express commercials I see on the telly, it appears one should really show graphs that are climbing upward, and our legislation posted very good results on that front. We’ve got spikes, climbs, trends, growth, and Bob’s your uncle.”
The number of gun permits surged 15% over the past two years according to The Boston Globe, creating near perfect conditions for increasing the state’s criminal population. With the addition of 28,000 Class A firearms permits, commonly called a “license to carry,” Massachusetts now has over 224,000 newly minted criminals in training.
Some questioned the connection between gun permit holders and crime. “Do you really think a permit alone qualifies these people as criminals?” asked one citizen. “It takes years of incarceration to learn the tricks of the trade and none of these folks have never seen the inside of the slammer. I think this is really going to bring down the quality level of our average hoodlum.”
But police officials generally disagree. “Look, if these people were really law abiding, why would they want to own and carry a gun?” asked Boston Police Captain Patrick O’Malley. “We’re just thankful that they are generally docile and easier to arrest. If we have to arrest people anyway, I would much rather that person be an accountant or housewife rather than a gang banger or street thug.”
Most agree that the surge in permit activity will yield much needed economic benefits by decreasing criminal unemployment and swelling the ranks of state and county law enforcement.
“We’re thrilled about the fresh crop of citizens to rough up.” said Harry Callahan, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Office of Public Safety. “We’re going to have to hire at least 750 new officers statewide to harass these folks.”
There’s a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, and downright lies about assault weapons, so in true My Gun Culture fashion I hope to clarify this once and for all.
Assault Weapons are sneaky little morphing bastards. They have a unique ability to change their DNA day to day, hour to hour, and news broadcast to news broadcast. Just ask Dan Rather. Usually the cause of the metamorphosis can be traced back to political agenda, but sometimes T.V. personalities can cause shape shifting simply by their spoken word and some creative video editing.
Evidence of the first assault weapon was found at the Tamerza and Midés excavation site in Tunisia. Ancient writings offer evidence that an elitist Cro-Magnon Herald staff reporter filed reports accusing citizen Grog of possession of a rapid fire assault weapon, later to become known as a brick. Evidence suggests that Grog was known to carry two, and sometimes three bricks at a time – which many deemed excessive for sporting purposes.
During the middle ages, assault weapons became more sophisticated. Henry VIII was known to have, and frequently use, an assault divorce attorney.
Across the English Channel, Marie Antoinette was assaulted as a result of her secret possession of several pieces of assault cake.
Assault weapons continue to be heavily regulated. In most states, Rosie O’Donnell is classified as an assault weapon. Ownership generally requires the buyer to provide proof that they are legally deaf. This is a safety precaution that prevents Assault Rosie owners from going postal as a side effect of continuous exposure to re-runs of The View.
Many United States Marine Corps recruits view their drill instructors as assault weapons until, through the miracle of osmosis, they become assault weapons themselves. Many point to this phenomenon as proof of the redeeming societal value of assault weapons.
The primary differentiator between assault weapons and regular ole’ weapons is that assault weapons are automatic, meaning they are known to automatically commit crimes, scare politicians from California, New York, and Massachusetts, and start third world wars.
As assault weapons have spread throughout the world, they have evolved according to local environments. In the United States, most assault weapons are actually guns, with the exception of Assault Rosie of course. In the United Kingdom, assault weapons have taken the form of bread knives and cricket bats. Similarly, in France, most assault weapons are recognizable as three day old baguettes with a wheel of dried up brie, while Australia has battled proliferation of assault knives, assault swords, and most recently assault laser pointers.
More questions? Post them at MyGunCulture.com and we’ll do our best to answer.
OK, so this one probably falls into that Urban Legend category – although Snopes.com still has it listed as “undetermined.” Just because it may not be true doesn’t mean it can’t be funny, so in that spirit, here it is:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown
(Downtown, Savannah )
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.
I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?
I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
Hat Tip: Greg W.
“Guns don’t kill people,” said Mr. Holder, “Unregistered, stolen guns kill people. Once we have a list of all of the guns owned by potential criminals, it will be much easier to track down the origin of a weapon that’s been used in a robbery or murder.”
The Justice Department plans to open illegal gun registration kiosks in pawn shops, urban parking garages and abandoned buildings in high-profile locations to make the registration process “as easy and painless as possible.”
The rest of the story.
Tom McHale was born a helpless, shooting-deprived infant. He later discovered the joys of collecting and shooting guns, reloading ammunition and writing about his adventures with a healthy dose of fun. Tom's career has been diverse, bordering on dysfunctional, with most of it spent leading marketing teams for a variety of technology companies including Microsoft and more than a couple of high-tech startups. He's finally seen the light and given up the corporate life to pursue his passion of creating slightly crazy, but educational, content related to guns, shooting, concealed carry and self defense.
His most recent project is publishing a series of informative books under the Insanely Practical Guides brand. You can learn more at InsanelyPracticalGuides.com.
My Gun Culture is a half-cocked but right on target look at the world of shooting and all things related. If you want to learn with a laugh about guns, shooting products, personal defense, competition, industry news and the occasional Second Amendment issue, you're at the right place.
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