Business

Benchmade Expands Into Tactical Office Supplies Market

February 11, 2011 By Tom 2 Comments

Benchmade DamaSteel Tactical Stapler

Frankfurt, Germany – The My Gun Culture investigative team has recently returned from the PaperWorld Expo, where our reporters learned of a new strategic direction for knife maker Benchmade. Building on the market success of the company’s Specialty Tactical Pen series, Benchmade intends to aggressively expand into the broader tactical office supplies market.

“The problem with most office supplies is that they are ridiculously uncool” observed Benchmade CEO Ben Cartwright. “I mean, really, think about your average stapler. It’s almost always black and has no style or tactical value whatsoever. And we’ve yet to see one equipped with laser sights. And when it comes to trying to fight with most office supplies, forget about it.”

Cartwright went on to reveal the first two products in Benchmade’s new lineup – the DamaSteel Tactical Stapler and the OC Combo Tape/Pepper Non-Lethal Dispenser. The DamaSteel Tactical Stapler features a 3×9 variable scope for both short and longer range office conflicts and and high-penetration dual-core titanium staples. The Non-lethal tape/pepper dispenser aims to be the first to market with a 15 foot effective radius.

Designed to appeal to the disgruntled cubicle worker market, Benchmade’s new lineup will be sold in vending machines of large office complexes. “We’re also looking at partnerships with other companies firmly entrenched in existing office complexes. Red Bull and UPS for example” explained company Marketing Vice President Don Draper. “Don’t tell anyone about this, but we have a product placement deal in the works with Dilbert.”

Cartwright continued “We’re always looking at innovation. Some things on our drawing board include a semi-automatic three-hole punch and a concealable protractor. As we always say, make it cool, make it solid, make it happen and definitely make it Benchmade.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: office supplies, tactical, tactical pens

Gun Tote’n Mamas Take Over Operations of MIB

February 4, 2011 By Tom 1 Comment

Gun Tote's Mamas Now Known As Mamas In Black

Gun Tote'n Mamas Now Known As Mamas In Black

The crack investigative team of My Gun Culture has recently uncovered a surprise coup within the Intergalactic Security Organization previously known as Men in Black (MIB). Due to the recent Hollywood smash hits Men In Black and Men In Black II, covers of the MIB organization and those of its top agents, J and K, have been blown, rendering their future undercover effectiveness limited.

A new team has been brought in to run the top-secret organization. Fronting as a women-owned company catering to the female concealed carry handbag market, Gun Tote’n Mamas has taken over management and day to day operations. The new team will be focused on securing the 1,500 aliens known to be residing on earth, protecting planet Earth from alien enemies, and of course making a wide variety of adorable, yet functional ladies concealed carry handbags. Insiders say that while the organizations name will remain unchanged – MIB – it’s meaning will now be Mamas In Black.

Agent Zed, former head of MIB was complimentary about the choice for his successor. “They have been doing good security work in the concealed carry handbag business” stated Zed. “For example, their concealed carry purses have slash resistant straps. Features like that can really come in handy when doing battle with a Bug alien.”

Typical Bug Alien (Image: Columbia Pictures)

As part of the new role, all seven women of Gun Tote’n Mamas have voluntarily submitted to have every trace of their identity and existence purged. Not all on the team are happy with their new code names L, M, N, O, P, Q, and R. “I really wanted to be AAA” complained spokesperson for the Mama’s in Black team, Ripley, now known as R. “Then I could have told people it stands for Awesome Alien Avenger.

While the new team’s headquarters location is classified as Top-Secret, off-the-record sources indicate that the Mama’s In Black will move out of the groups Triborough Bridge and Tunnel Authority facility and operate out of an abandoned Bath & Body Works store.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ccw, concealed carry, purses, women

Long Lost Kahles Scope Used By Minnesota Iceman

January 27, 2011 By Tom 1 Comment

Minnesota Iceman Kahles Scope - Scooby Doo

Minnesota Iceman - Owner of Lost Kahles Scope (Image: Hanna Barbera)

Kahles, Austrian manufacturer of fine rifle optics, recently unveiled the result of what was perhaps the longest field endurance test of hunting equipment ever – a Helia rifle scope lost in the Alps for what initially appeared to be nearly four decades. After showing the long lost rifle and scope at the 2011 SHOT Show, Kahles officials made an even more startling discovery about the scope’s origins.

“When we embarked on a carbon dating test, to settle a bar bet mind you, we discovered that the Kahles scope had been lost far longer than we originally thought” stated Kahles CEO Ben Cartwright. “Imagine our surprise when we found out that the rifle and scope were over 5,300 years old.”

Kahles Lost Helia Rifle Scope (Image: Kahles)

Further research on the scope’s origins yielded more surprising discoveries. Given the location of the find, compared with known hunting trails of the era, it was determined that the rifle and scope were likely owned by the Minnesota Iceman, discovered in 1968. “While most cavemen of that era hunted with rocks and spears, the really well-heeled ones could afford a nice bolt action” commented Cartwright.

Kahles engineers were thrilled with the scope’s perfect operational condition when it was originally believed the scope was in the wild for 30 years. “That in itself demonstrates an amazing feat of engineering” observed Kalhles Product Manager Carl Sagan. “When we found out it was really over 5,000 years old we weren’t really all that surprised. We build these things to last you know. However we were a little shocked that the Minnesota Iceman got his hands on a pre-production model. We hadn’t released those to the market 5,300 years ago. We’re guessing one of our interns borrowed it from the lab or something and got careless.”

After an exhaustive genealogical search, company officials were able to locate a descendant of the original owner in hopes of returning the scope to the family. On hearing the good news, modern day iceman Grrrug was ecstatic. ”Mrmffphh urrgghhumpp grrrgxvz Kahles Scope arrgmph grrrrrq frumph” exclaimed the happy descendant of the rifle’s original owner.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: hunting, scopes, weird

Bushmaster Adaptive Combat Rifle (ACR) Takes Golden Snitch Award

January 18, 2011 By Tom Leave a Comment

Bushmaster ACR Wins 2011 Golden Snitch Award

Days after winning the coveted NRA 2011 Golden Bullseye Award for “Rifle of the Year” by Shooting Illustrated magazine, the Bushmaster Adaptive Combat Rifle (ACR) has garnered yet another honor. In a hotly contested match with arch rival arms maker Slytherin, Bushmaster’s ACR managed to out perform and take this years Golden Snitch.

Rival executive Lucius Malfoy, CEO of Slytherin Arms was clearly disappointed with Bushmaster receiving the award. “You’re supposed to catch the golden snitch, not vaporize it with a few hundred 5.56mm rounds” complained Malfoy. When we get back home and consider the evaluation process, we may decide to send an owl with a formal protest. Does anyone know the rookery address for Shooting Illustrated?”

Bushmaster CEO Albus Dumbledore offers the following explanation for the recent successes. ”While we were excited about winning the Golden Bullseye Award, that wasn’t as big a deal. I mean, I could have hit a stationary bullseye at 100 yards with Weasley’s broken wand” stated Dumbledore. “Now the golden snitch was another matter. Try blasting that sucker out of the sky with a wand. That’s where the Bushmaster ACR really came in handy. I’m really glad we brought the extra magazines.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: awards, bushmaster, golden snitch, harry potter

Ruger Announces New LCBM Pocket Rocket Pistol

January 5, 2011 By Tom 11 Comments

New LCBM Pocket Rocket as shown in Ruger promotional materials

One day after stunning industry insiders with the LC9 9mm Centerfire Pistol announcement, Ruger added fuel to the fire of the pocket arms race with the announcement of the Ruger LCBM Pocket Rocket Pistol.

Designed to offer maximum defensive power in a lightweight and pocket sized form factor, the LCBM retains many of the LC9 features while increasing payload. Like the LC9, the new LCBM offers double action only operation, a locked-breech design, and smooth trigger pull. However, contrary to the LC9 design, the new models will require customized holsters with liquid oxygen fueling apparatus. Ruger spokespersons claim that holster maker Blade-Tech will be announcing an inside the waistband version soon.

“We’re ending the small caliber gun debate once and for all” observed Ruger CEO Ben Cartwright. “The first LCBM models will carry a single .25 kiloton warhead, but we’re working on subsequent models that will offer up to 6 +1 multiple re-entry bullets, or MIRB’s. That should be enough gun to handle most imaginable self defense situations. Hopefully the LCBM will give new meaning to the phrase come on punk, make my day. Either that, or dude, we have a problem.”

Product Manager Gene Kranz

Product managers at Ruger explain that the new Pocket Rocket technology simply became a matter of necessity. “We were working on .44 Magnum and .50 caliber LC prototypes, the LC44 and LC50 respectively, and quickly found that recoil in the seven ounce guns was just a little too stout, even for our experienced product testers like Harry Callahan” explained Ruger Product Manager Gene Kranz.

In a related announcement, Crimson Trace announced its next generation integral aiming units for the new LCBM. Similar to the existing LG-431 Front Activation Laserguard model, the unit is also custom designed for the LC series, but will now feature GPS aiming, instead of laser, technology. Early models will boast accuracy to within 100 feet, easily within the effective radius of the LCBM.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: ben cartwright, blade-tech, crimson trace, harry callahan, new products, Ruger

North American Arms Introduces Nano Pinky Revolver

December 10, 2010 By Tom 2 Comments

North American Arms Nano Pinky Revolver

Provo, UT – In a move designed to preempt the onslaught of SHOT show announcements planned for the industry’s main event in January, North American Arms today announced its new Nano Pinky Revolver. Described by early customers as ‘teensy-weensy’ the new revolver is gaining accolades for its diminutive size.

Designed for maximum concealment, the Nano Pinky Revolver measures just 1.12 inches in length and weighs just 1.3 ounces.

Due to a lack of suitable holsters on the market, the company has decided to manufacture its own line. “We’re offering a few models” stated Mini Me, Nano Product Line Spokesperson for North American Arms. “The first ones available will be a matched set of earring holsters. We think its especially cool that you can carry your primary gun on the right ear and your back up gun on the left. And if you get them mixed up, it just doesn’t matter.”

North American Arms Spokesperson Mini Me

While the company will sell the earring holsters separately, there are special price breaks for the pair. The best deals are expected to be featured on Shoshanna’s Fashion Jewelry Essentials on QVC. Next on the market will be matched cufflink holsters for the man about town who wishes to pack a little heat. “Of course this will only benefit guys who habitually wear French Cuffs” said Mini Me.

Not all are impressed by the size of the new revolver. “Forget trying to pistol whip someone with this gun” complained Harry Callahan, well known San Francisco Detective. “Punks are just not all that intimidated when I threaten them with this thing. My .44 Magnum worked much better for cracking some deadbeats skull.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: guns, new products, products, revolver

Crimson Trace Expands Into Tactical Laser Show Market

December 7, 2010 By Tom 1 Comment

The Crimson Trace Tactical Laser Show Team In Action

Wilsonville, OR – Crimson Trace Corporation, manufacturer of Lasergrips® and Laserguard® laser-sighting systems today announced a major expansion into the emerging tactical laser show market.

Aimed at leveraging the company’s deep experience with cool lasery-lighty things, the move is expected to provide revenue opportunities beyond the saturated personal defense laser sight market segment. The company admits that new product line inspiration sometimes comes from unlikely sources. “I was watching TV late one night and saw a rockumentary on KISS then that old movie TRON” observed Crimson Trace CEO Ben Cartwright. “Then it came to me – why not start a synchronized tactical laser team? That would be awesome! Lasers, SWAT guys, Segways, loud music , gunfire – the whole works. We’ll probably have to use blanks for ammo though.”

The company intends to compete in the growing market for professionally produced laser shows. Primary market segments include rock concerts, company meeting celebrations, holiday celebrations and Bar Mitzvah’s.

“We’ve got all sorts of ideas for tactical laser show revenue” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing for Crimson Trace. “Going into the birthday and Bar Mitzvah market will obviously be huge, and most of the established laser show players are not there, but we’re also looking at innovating things like doing The Bachelor Season 9 Finale. If all goes we ought to be able to sign a couple of clubs that the Jersey Shore kids frequent.”

The company also anticipates a great community service opportunity with the new offering. SWAT teams across the country, impacted by shrinking budgets, can be quickly trained to offer tactical laser shows to earn a little extra revenue. “A few hours in the courthouse parking lot with the local SWAT team and we’ve got a well-oiled synchronized tactical laser team” bragged Draper.

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: crimson trace, laser, swat, tactical

Blade-Tech Releases Next Generation Bacon Hybrid Holster

November 26, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Blade-Tech Bacon Hybrid Holster

Blade-Tech, leading manufacturer of injection molded tactical holsters, knife sheaths and magazine pouches today announced availability of their next generation hybrid holsters.

“Our new hybrid line combines what are the finest three materials known to man – kydex, leather, and bacon” bragged Blade-Tech CEO Ben Cartwright. “After we announced our new kydex / leather hybrid holsters earlier this year, we immediately started thinking about ways to reach the next level of defensive culinary performance.”

Clayton Moore as The Lone Ranger

One of the primary objectives of the new triple hybrid line was ease and speed of draw. Blade-Tech product managers tested thousands of materials before settling on bacon as the foundation of the new holster. Early customers agree with the choice and recognize distinct speed of draw advantages. “This new bacon holster is sure slick on the draw” gushed Clayton Moore, better known as The Lone Ranger. “I have to admit that the whole rig can get a little greasy at times, but on the plus side, it’s a heck of a lot easier to put on my tight cowboy pants now.”

Industry insiders were given advance looks at the new holster line. Roy Huntington, Editor of American Handgunner Magazine recently completed a comprehensive review of the new triple hybrid. “Mmmmmm. Bacon” purred Huntington.

Asked about future versions of the bacon holster, Cartwright replied “You might look for a double thick version in the near future. We think its a good way to consolidate an hour or so’s worth of emergency rations right in the holster itself.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: bacon, ben cartwright, holsters, kydex, leather, lone ranger

Cheaper Than Navel Lint Files Chapter 11

November 23, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

Navel lint fluff collected by librarian Graham Parker

In a prepared statement released today, upstart online shooting sports discounter Cheaper Than Navel Lint announced that it has filed for bankruptcy protection.

Few industry insiders were surprised today by Cheaper Than Navel Lint’s bankruptcy announcement. While company leaders have always expressed confidence, few outside the firm were optimistic about the company’s ability to compete with established online shooting supplies retailer Cheaper Than Dirt, America’s Ultimate Shooting Sports Discounter.

“We thought we had a really good business model” stated the company’s CEO, Michael Bloomberg. “From day one, our objective was to compete head on with CheaperThanDirt.com. Obviously dirt is pretty cheap, but we thought there was room for improvement. After all, dirt is not free and some people even pay for it. We were pretty optimistic that we could find something even cheaper than dirt and use that as the foundation of our marketing campaign.”

According to early investor, librarian Graham Barker, the idea to form the company came to him after years of collecting his own navel lint. “When the people from the Guinness Book of World Records declared my 26 year old collection of navel lint as the world’s largest, I started thinking about ways to turn a profit from my creepy habits.” stated Barker. “It was pure chance that I met Michael Bloomberg at an infomercial product convention. Once he told me of his search to find something cheaper than dirt, I knew we had the foundation for a great partnership.”

After 18 months of operation, the firm failed to make any product sales, which ultimately led to the bankruptcy filing. “I’m ready to give it another shot” stated an upbeat Bloomberg. “Next time we’ll probably go with a marketing campaign that’s a little less disturbing though.”

Filed Under: Business, Life, News Tagged With: business, firearms, michael bloomberg, online retail

GunUp.com Trounces GunDown.com In First Quarter Of Operation

November 13, 2010 By Tom Leave a Comment

GunUp.com

Today, GunUp.com CEO Ben Cartwright announced dramatic market share increases over arch-rival GunDown.com. On the companies quarterly analyst call, Cartwright explained that recent research indicates that GunUp.com enjoys a 99.94% market share of the gun enthusiast online community market compared to GunDown’s .06% share.

Admittedly, the competitors have slightly different target audiences. GunUp.com’s mission is to “provide prospective, new, and experienced gun enthusiasts with a one-stop destination to share, discuss, review, and compare guns with confidence.” On the other hand, GunDown.com caters to a more metrosexual audience, including men who wear scarves during the summer, cry during Oprah re-runs, and get periodic bikini waxing. “Our audience is actually more inclusive than that” explained CEO Al Franken. “We cater to all sorts of pantywaists regardless of whether they live in metropolitan areas or not.”

Al Franken Air America

GunUp.com’s market dominance highlights Franken’s second major media failure. Previously, Franken was instrumental in the fall and subsequent bankruptcy of admittedly leftist radio program, Air America. “I don’t know why you guys keep bringing up Air America” whined Franken. “It wasn’t our fault that people didn’t know better than to listen to our program. I bet Rush Limbaugh and the vast right wing conspiracy are behind this GunUp.com thing too. It’s just not fair, and as a United States Senator, I am going to introduce legislation to stop this nonsense.”

GunUp.com anticipates a bright future and has garnered an impressive early following. “Having perhaps the largest online gun comparison database in the world really helped GunUp.com start an interactive community” explained spokesperson Veronica Corningstone of Laura Burgess Marketing. “We were pretty firm in our belief that having actual data as the foundation of our offering would be of value to our users. Plus, our users can actually read, which has proved to be a tremendous competitive advantage over GunDown.com.”