Insanely Practical Guide to Gun Holsters

Top 5 Reasons to Own a Gun

1. Because you can’t (legally) poke Michael Bloomberg in the eye.

But you can figuratively, by exercising your Second Amendment right. Every time someone guys a gun, a bell rings. Wait a sec, that’s not right. Every time a bell rings, Chuck Schumer sprouts bat wings. No, hang on, we’ll get it. Every time someone buys a gun, one of the Mayors Against Legal Governing commits another crime. That’s close enough for government work… Do you want to know why Dianne Feinstein and Bloomie (allegedly) wear Depends? Because Second Amendment, that’s why!

Lots of guns - rifles, pistols, ar15

Buy a gun. Better yet, several.

2. Because the MK-19 Automatic Grenade Launcher is too heavy.

It’s a crew served weapon after all and generally takes 3 people to move and operate it. The gun itself if a whopping 72 pounds. The tripod adds another 44 pounds, and the small and large ammo cans are 42 and 60 pounds respectively. Plus the large ammo belt of 40mm grenades has recently been banned in New York and Colorado. While the blast radius offers excellent self-defense capability, it’s hard on the back, surrounding buildings and low flying aircraft.

3. Because Uncle Sam says so.

No, not Uncle Barack. Uncle Sam. No, not the bearded guy in the World War II posters. I mean Uncle Sam Adams. You know, the guy who invented beer. Oh, and he also proposed this verbiage for U.S. Constitution ratification at the Massachusetts convention: “And that the said Constitution be never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.”

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

Opening grape jelly the easy way.

4. Nothing opens a jar of grape jelly like a .357 Sig hollow point.

Forget those rubber pads and Black and Decker electric jar openers. Try opening your condiments with gusto and plenty of drama! Because YOLO…

5. Because you can.

You have a God-given, not government granted right to protect yourself and your loved ones. It’s as simple as that.

It’s Time To Stop ‘Thinking’ About Gun Control

Gun Control in the mainstream mediaIt’s time to stop thinking. About what might happen with or without new gun control measures.

The 24 hours news digital sphincter spasm continues to slather us all with lots and lots of thoughtless thinking and careless conjecture. Think what might happen if… I think… Most Americans think… I think I’ll have another beer… What is the NRA thinking… The United Nations thinks… I think Dancing with the Stars is on tonight… Most of our representatives in Washington think… No wait, I think we ought to scratch that last one. Most of our representatives do not think much past the next “So You Think You Can Smile!” audition.

Why are we still thinking about things?

I think there’s no place for guns in schools!

  • We know that Utah allows guns in schools.
  • We know that Utah is still waiting on its first mass school shooting.
  • We know that over 200 colleges and universities already allow lawful concealed carry on campus.
  • We know that none of those institutions have suffered catastrophic attacks like the ones in Newtown, Columbine, or Virginia Tech.
  • We know that all mass shooting incidents in the past 50 years, except one, have happened in areas where guns are not allowed.

I think it’s a bad idea to arm teachers!

  • We know we don’t want to force all teachers to be armed. We simply want those who choose to defend themselves and their students not to lose that fundamental right when they enter school property.
  • We know that Israel has had some percentage of armed teachers since 1974.
  • We know that most Israeli schools have armed security.
  • We know that is has kept their students safer in perhaps one of the most dangerous neighborhoods on planet earth.
  • We know that attacks on Israeli schools have been attempted by trained terrorists, not cowards that almost always end their own life as soon as they are challenged.
  • We know that challenging these cowards immediately almost always stops them immediately.

I think we shouldn’t have to live in a world where people have to have guns.

  • We know that we do in fact live in a world like that.
  • We know that there are sick and evil people out there.
  • We know because we hear about them on the news every single day.
  • We know they continue to do evil things regardless of laws.
  • We know that the very definition of “criminal” is one who breaks laws.
  • We know that burying our heads in the sand and hoping things will be better because they should be will not save one single life.

I think that some sort of gun ban is a good idea.

  • We know the last one didn’t lower crime at all.
  • We know that crime didn’t increase when it expired.
  • We know that there is not one example of gun control policy lowering violent crime.
  • We know that the most recent countries to implement drastic gun control have suffered serious increases in violent crime.
  • We know that women are 2 times more likely to be raped in the UK than in the US.
  • We know that women in Australia are 3 times more likely to be raped than women in the US.
  • We know that total murders in the UK have increased since the gun ban took effect in January 1997.
  • We know that in only 1 year have there been fewer murders in the UK after the handgun ban than before the handgun ban.
  • We know that the UK has a violent crime rate 3.5 times greater than that of the US.
  • We know that folks in the UK are having serious discussion about banning kitchen knives because the guns bans have not reduced crime.
  • We know that banning kitchen knives will make English food even worse.
  • We know that one definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, but hoping for a different result.

I think magazines ought to be limited to 5 rounds.

  • We know that law enforcement officers, military personnel, and citizen survivors of gunfights have found that hyped-up bad guys don’t necessarily feel compelled to stop doing what they’re doing after 5 shots have been fired towards them.
  • We know bad guys doing bad things don’t travel alone.
  • We know more and more bad guys are wearing body armor to protect themselves against unarmed or lightly armed victims.
  • I know that if my home is invaded in the middle of the night that I will want a 2,530,371 round magazine handy. And a couple of spares.
  • We know that our soldiers have complained that actual Assault Rifles don’t have enough power to reliably stop enemy combatants.
  • We know that limiting magazines to some arbitrary capacity based on perceived need is about the stupidest suggestion ever.

I think we need to address gun violence!

  • We know we need to address violence. Not gun violence. Violence.
  • We know we are not somehow better off or morally superior if we are killed with a knife, bat, or fist as compared to a gun.
  • We know we are equally dead no matter what the cause.
  • We know that the term “gun violence” is a deliberate attempt to misrepresent and mislead from the very real, and hard to solve, issues of societal evil.
  • We know that violence is a difficult thing to solve so people tend to want to take shortcuts in order to consider things “fixed.”

I think you’re crazy if you think more guns is the answer to violence!

  • We know that record numbers of Americans are buying guns for protection.
  • We know that there are almost 300 million guns in the United States.
  • We know that violent crime, measured by the FBI as incidents per 100,000 people, has fallen 50% in the past 20 years.
  • We know that murder, measured by the FBI as incidents per 100,000 people, has fallen 54% over the past 20 years.
  • We know that these massive and steady decreases in crime have happened while more and more Americans are buying guns.
  • We know that simply blaming guns is deliberate shirking from the harder problem of addressing the real causes of crime.

I don’t think anyone needs a high-powered Assault Weapon!

  • We know that there is no such thing as an assault weapon.
  • We know that if you ask an “assault weapon ban” proponent what an “assault weapon” is, that they will not be able to tell you.
  • We know, again according to the FBI, that many times more murders are committed with simple beatings than rifles of any kind.
  • We know that banning mythical “assault weapons” will not stop murders by beating.
  • We know that banning mythical “assault weapons” will not save lives. The largest mass murders ever had nothing to do with mythical “assault weapons.” People do bad things with or without mythical “assault weapons.”

I think armed citizens are going to act like vigilantes and cause even more harm!

  • We know that lawfully armed citizens are among the most law-abiding groups of people measurable.
  • We know that the crime rate for concealed carry permit holders is 14 times less than that of the general population.
  • We know that lawfully armed citizens are 5 times less likely to commit a violent crime than the average citizen.

I think I have an irrational fear of guns and want a simple and immediate fix to the problems of violence.

  • We know. We want to continue to reduce violence also.
  • We know there is no simple fix.
  • We know that we don’t fear guns. They’re just tools that protect someone from crime and/or violence between 1 and 2.5 million times per year – just in the US.
  • We know that we kind of like the direction of the crime trend over the past 20 years and want to continue that. We just want to be smart about how we do it.

It’s time to stop thinking about what might happen.

It’s time to know what does happen. 

P.S. I know I’m going to vomit if I hear one more talking head tell me what they think without considering what we already know.

A Heart Of Evil Obeys No Laws – Thoughts On Newtown

Newtown, CTOur hearts are broken over yesterday’s tragedy in Newtown, CT. Our prayers go out to the victims, families, staff, friends, and first responders. How a monster can target the most innocent among us is simply beyond sane comprehension.

In the wake of yesterday’s tragic events, Massad Ayoob posted an article entitled “Against Monsters.” It’s a reminder that societal evil has been, and will continue to be, a human problem. Go read it. Now. We’ll wait.

Monsters have always been, and always will be, among us. Anyone remember King Herod?

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Matthew 2:16

The pinnacle of arrogance is to think that a problem so complex as human societal evil has a “simple” hardware solution. Evil is a problem of the heart. Not of laws, devices, or rules. The most egregious acts against humanity show little favoritism of tools when someone is committed to evil. Our recent history demonstrates morbid creativity by monsters. 9/11 (box cutters), Oklahoma City (garden fertilizer), Bath School (fire and bomb), Happy Land Social Club (gasoline). Just yesterday – yes, the exact same day as the Newtown massacre – a monster in the Henan Province of China slashed 22 children with a knife – one of dozens of identical incidents over the past three years.

As I said a moment ago, complex problems don’t have simple solutions. So the point here is that you have to decide whether to acknowledge that evil exists, and prepare, or to bury your head in the sand and hope that someone passes a “feel-good” law to provide some short-lived false sense of security.

Me? The jury came in a long time ago regarding the effectiveness of “feel-good” legislation. I choose to recognize that evil exists in the world and to prepare accordingly. The root source of monstrous acts is not going away. The monsters’ methods of implementation will vary, as they have since the beginning of time. While we all would like to apply a band-aid and pat ourselves on the back for “fixing it” that’s just a desperate fantasy.

Read. Study. Be alert. Prepare for the unexpected – even for the unimaginable.

Be safe out there people.

Free Holsters! And Our “High Road” Response To A Vicious Attack By Women’s Outdoor News

Mmm. Yet another vicious and completely unprovoked attack by the Tacti-Chix over at Women’s Outdoor News

And, as before, here we are, innocently minding our own business, eating Cheetos and butter while watching Project Ultimate Monster Truck. Harming no one, except maybe Eric Holder for his role in Fast and Furious. After all we’re a community pillar of class and tasteful refinement, excepting that unfortunate Whoopee Cushion incident in church the other day.

Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holsters

Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holsters

Apparently the girls at @TeamWON have been watching too many political ads and the lies, half-truths, and distortions have tainted their judgement. In their recent open letter, they clearly accuse us, yes US, of neglecting women with our fetish coverage of holsters.

Yes, we recently finished a free PDF version of our Insanely Practical Holster Guide. And in that, we did in fact cover some women’s holsters. I am quite certain we mentioned Lisa Looper’s Flashbang bra holster. And Lisa Looper is a woman. And the Flashbang is for women only. And of course some special men with a little extra up top.

OK, so our initial coverage may have little light for the Y chromosome types.

But, in fairness to us, the Insanely Practical Holster Guide was just an introductory teaser to our full length book, due out on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, and iTunes by December 1, 2012.

In our full length Insanely Practical Guide to Gun Holsters, we cover lots and lots of women’s holsters. In fact, we’ve got a whole chapter devoted to holsters for women only. And of course, the other chapters feature many unisex holsters – those equally appropriate for members of all seven sexes.

We’re glad that all y’all ladies over there called out this issue by giving away a Blackhawk Level 2 Serpa Tactical Thigh Holster rig. We gotta hand it to you – that’s some pretty awesome gear for an active lady. We’re actually in the end stages of finishing up a review on a waist mounted Serpa setup and it’s pretty awesome. Rock solid.

Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces fixed blade knife

Another must have accessory for the tactical girl – the Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces Knife.

And one of our genuine female editors, who also happens to be my daughter, has been Jonesing for a Blackhawk United Kingdom Special Forces fixed blade knife. Yes, I trained her well thank you very much.

While we totally respect your choice of the Blackhawk Thigh Rig as an ultimate ladies holster contender, we think you’ll have to agree that the well equipped woman will also need something a little dressier for evening events – like some light 7 figure gambling at the Monte Carlo Casino. While the thigh rig would be effective, it definitely does not go with silk, pearls and those really cool rectangular Baccarat chips.

So we’re going to recommend something with function and pizazz – the Pretty Dangerous Accessories holster. It fits a variety of guns, can be carried in a variety of ways, and comes in really sexy styles. Like hair-on cowhide, red crocodile, purple ostrich, and black lizard. We just completed a more detailed review here.

Just as a teaser, and to show that we’re not women ignorers, we’re going to host our own free holster giveaway extravaganza. With a little help from Pretty Dangerous Accessories, who are graciously donating the free holsters.

We’re going to give away not one, but two Pretty Dangerous Accessories holsters.

How to win a free Pretty Dangerous Accessories Holster!

Here’s the easy part. Just leave a comment below. That’s it.

And for your shot at winning a Blackhawk Serpa Tactical Thigh Rig and some gear from Girls With Guns Clothing, just leave a comment on Women’s Outdoor News here.

We’ll both be doing a random drawing on Monday November 4 to pick a bunch of lucky winners!

Now would you Women’s Outdoor News chicks please let me get back to my Cheetos and butter?

A Brief History of Gun Holsters

Gun HolstersHolsters have been around longer than you might think – almost as long as Cher has been parading around wearing doilies. In fact, holsters actually pre-dated guns. Do you really think bands of wooly mammoth hunters carried spears and rocks in their hands? After all, they couldn’t invent important things like fire and Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts with their hands all full of weapons.

While we don’t have the space to cover all of the many interesting and important developments in the history of holsters, we can touch on some of the highlights.

11th Century BC
Future King of Israel, David, popularizes the concept of holsters by toting around large round stones with which he kills big bullies. This earliest form of holster is known, from careful study and translation of ancient texts, to be called a ‘sack.’

1297
William Wallace, otherwise known as Braveheart, popularizes the SmartCarry holster design – then known as a sporran. Sporrans were, and continue to be, worn on most fashionable kilts. As guns were not yet invented, historians believe that Wallace carried spare breath mints and a copy of his film rights agreement in his sporran. Wallace’s aggressive attitude prompts officials to ban sporrans in New York City.

1770
Europeans discover that kangaroos were designed with natural inside-the-waistband carry holsters when James Cooks’ ship Endeavor runs aground off Queensland, Australia. Kangaroos are immediately banned in New York City.

1800
Western style pommel bags serve as carry devices for multiple large handguns. They quickly fall out of fashion when Clint Eastwood refers to them as ‘man purses.’

1805
Historians believe that French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte invents a predecessor to the FlashBang Bra Holster, as evidenced by many portraits showing him fondling a derringer underneath his blouse.

1840’s
From careful frame-by-frame analysis of period documentaries like Blazing Saddles, historians have learned that belt holsters became fashionable for single shot pistols and early revolvers.

1966
Leather sixgun holsters become popular when a series of low budget spaghetti western films are produced like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Early design ideas are scrapped when it is determined that spaghetti does not ride well in leather holsters. And it makes many holsters soggy.

1969
Richard Gallagher founds The Original Jackass Leather Company in Chicago, IL. When he discovers that few Jackasses carry guns, the company is renamed to Galco Gunleather and relocates to Phoenix, AZ. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg immediately bans Jackasses from carrying concealed. And the state of Arizona.

1986
Man purses become fashionable, primarily in Europe. Otherwise known as man bags or murses, they are still just purses. Some men, concerned about their metro-masculine image, encouraged folks to call these bags ‘satchels’, but let’s face it – if it looks like a purse, and acts like a purse, it’s a purse. While seemingly a great concealed carry holster innovation, the fad rapidly lost popularity when European men realize that handguns are banned in most of their countries.

1993
Inspired, and scared probably scared witless, by his pack failing and dumping “a ton” of gear into the middle of an Iraqi minefield, Navy SEAL Mike Noell founds Blackhawk!

EDITORS NOTE: We do not recommend or condone dumping your gear into an enemy minefield. Always hurl your gear into enemy minefields from a safe distance. For example, from central Idaho.

One of Blackhawk!’s successes is the Serpa retention holster designed to secure a handgun against accidental release or removal by evil d00dz. In a launch publicity stunt, illusionist David Copperfield attempts to escape from a 23x scale Serpa Holster.

1995
The Kydex revolution begins when Blade-Tech founder Tim Wegner melts several toaster ovens in his kitchen in early attempts to make Kydex knife sheaths. Wegner’s wife gently and lovingly encourages him to move the budding business to the garage – where companies are normally started. When associates point out to Wegner that one shouldn’t bring knives to gun fights, the business begins to focus on Kydex holsters for guns.

2009
Addressing concerns that holsters can make one’s butt look big, Lisa Looper invents the Flashbang bra holster. Apparently it’s better for one’s, umm, chest to look big. Ok then, moving on…

 

We hope you have enjoyed this preview from our forthcoming book, My Gun Culture’s Insanely Practical Holster Book.

Our free Insanely Practical Guide PDF is available here. While it contains a fraction of the information that is covered in the full book, there’s plenty of useful stuff in there, and it’s free, so check it out.

And The Winner of the OTIS Technology Elite Cleaning System Is…

Tactical chicks have a great sense of humor.

We’ve met a number of contributors to The Women’s Outdoor News over the past couple of months and learned the hard way that they are as twisted and genuinely silly as we are. Love that.

For Fathers Day, we elected to have a little fun with the ladies from The WON. This resulted in us losing a battle of wits in flaming-ball-of-wreckage fashion. Big surprise there.

An Open Letter To Women’s Outdoor News

An Open Letter To The Men At My Gun Culture: An An Opportunity To Win An AMPLIFI Cleaning System

Our Response To The Vicious An Unprovoked Attack By Women’s Outdoor News

Women’s Outdoor News Takes The High Road And Gives Jennifer An AMPLIFI System

As you can see, things got ugly fast. For us.

But all’s well that ends well, and as a result of some egging on by the ladies at The WON, and a most generous donation from Otis Technology, we’re giving away our part of the Fathers Day sweepstakes – an OTIS Technology Elite Cleaning System.

This cleaning kit has it all – the famous and effective OTIS breech-to-bore cleaning equipment and enough gadgets and goodies to clean everything in your safe from .17 HMR to 10 gauge shotguns. It’s even got a kit within a kit for portable field use. You can get the full scoop on the OTIS Elite System features and benefits here. You can read about it at your leisure, but we’ve had the Elite System for years and use nothing else. It’s that good.

If you’ve been keeping up with this banter over ultimate Fathers Day gifts, you know that we agreed to randomly select a winner for the OTIS Elite System from the comments on our two stories linked above. With a little help from Random.org, we selected the following winner…

Randy

Randy’s comment incantation of “This would be a nice kit to have, hint, hint random number…” seemed to work just fine with the Random.org voodoo.

Randy did not give his (or her?) last name. Randy did leave an email address however, so Randy, if you are reading this, check your email now!

Congrats to Randy! And enjoy your OTIS Elite System. We’ve certainly gotten our money’s worth out of ours!

The WON / MGC Fathers Day Giveaway

Editors Note: In response to the vicious and unprovoked attack on our manliness and intellect by The Women’s Outdoor News, we would like to offer the following public response.

OK. We know we came to this battle of wits unarmed. But we’re dudes. Is that really a surprise? True to our egotistical and foolhardy nature, we’re going to attempt to get out of this hole by continuing to dig. Works every time, right up to the point where we have to start apologizing.

We have to admit that your Fathers Day gift suggestion –  the Briggs and Stratton AMPLIFI system – is a pretty nifty idea. Especially considering that a bunch of chicks came up with it. Before we encourage all our readers to enter to win a free one by leaving comments at your site, we’ve got a few questions:

  • Is it certified for washing children under the age of 3? Preferably fully clothed?
  • Is there a backpack mounted version? This would make a killer ‘flamethrower’ for paintball.
  • Can you fill it with beer?

Since Women’s Outdoor News and Briggs and Stratton are displaying some Fathers Day generosity, we’ll respond in kind. And we’re not copying your idea because we can’t come up with our own. Really.

But first another lesson about the vacuous simplicity of the male thought process. When we hear the word ‘cleaning’ our brain processes this auditory signal as ‘guns.’ Simple as that. What else could possibly need cleaning? Of course it’s nothing more than common sense that cleaning equates to guns, but if you really need the proof, it’s easily verifiable mathematically.

Gun cleaning pioneer, physicist, and OTIS Technology founder Ben Cartwright discovered the relationship between ‘cleaning’ and ‘guns’ back in 1985. While developing a mathematical model to explain the causation relationship between Lazy-Boy Recliners and beer, he stumbled across the following:

gun-cleaning-math

As you can clearly see, when you simplify the equation, carry the one, and round up…

CLEANING = GUNS

And nothing cleans guns like the OTIS Elite Cleaning System. It’s simple, easy to operate, and includes everything you need in one box. Like beer.

The OTIS Elite System includes everything you need to clean guns ranging from .17 caliber through 10 gauge shotguns. And more.

  • Over 40 firearm-specific cleaning components in a nylon case
  • Six (6) Memory-Flex® Cables of varying length for effective and correct Breech-to-Muzzle® cleaning
  • Twenty-three (23) bronze bore brushes remove copper deposits and other fouling
  • Obstruction removal tools for jammed cases and other blockages
  • Specialized precision tools for complete breakdown and fine cleaning of all critical and hard to reach areas of your firearm
  • Optics cleaning gear for care and maintenance of scopes, rangefinders and more
  • Removable Tactical Cleaning System for convenient carrying in the field

We’ve owned the OTIS Elite System for years and love it.

So we’re going to give one away here.

All you have to do to win this system is leave a comment here, or on our “Open Letter to the Women’s Outdoor News” story with ideas for Fathers Day. We’ll use Random.org technology to select a lucky winner.

Oh, and don’t forget that our lady friends at Women’s Outdoor News are giving away a Briggs and Stratton AMPLIFI system!

An Open Letter To Women’s Outdoor News…

Screen Shot 2012-05-30 at 10.07.42 AMI have the utmost respect for you guys girls over at The WON – Women’s Outdoor News.

All in all, you are confident, capable, resourceful, tactical, camo-sporting women. The marryin’ type for sure.

That said, I need to offer some friendly advice for the upcoming Fathers Day celebration. This is a really, really big deal for us guys.  While you may think you have good ideas for gifts, you are still women girls and may not have the proper understanding of what us guys really value.

So let’s find out if you are really qualified to choose the all-important Fathers Day gifts.  Take a quick pop-quiz to gauge your relative understanding of the under-developed male psyche. Oh, and thanks in advance for your willing cooperation with this process. After all, the goal of finding those perfect Fathers Day gifts is paramount here; a little humility on your part to ensure quality of the process is much appreciated.

True or False? While hunting with your best friend, you notice that a rabid squirrel has lunged at your buddy and firmly clamped its jaws onto his, umm, private man parts. You find this hysterical and, instead of dialing 911, get out your camera phone.

True or False? The Blues Brothers is the greatest movie ever made.

Circle all correct choices: Valentines Day is…
A.  One of those times you are firmly encouraged to sleep on the couch, but you don’t know why.
B.  A major cause of stress and anxiety in your life. What is a Hallmark store?
C.  A great excuse for the little lady to buy you a new shotgun.
D.  Beers out with the boys.

If you aced this test, we’ll drop the issue. But we all know you didn’t, so we’re making an offer to help you with the gift selection process.  Are you really qualified to buy us WOW! Father’s Day gifts?  Do YOU really think YOU know what’s best for US?

 

EDITORS NOTE: Guys, feel free to add your appropriate dude-driven Fathers Day gift ideas to the comments below. We will be GIVING AWAY A BIG-TIME, GUY-APPROPRIATE FATHERS DAY GIFT to someone who comments below!

Top 10 Reasons I Want A Kriss Vector

kriss-banner

I’ve been fortunate enough to shoot a variety of Kriss Vector models over the past year or so. Starting with some pre-production fully-automatic guns at the LuckyGunner.com Blogger Shoot last year and more recently standard production models at SHOT Show 2012 Media Day. 1,500 rounds per minute of .45 ACP will certainly wake you up in the morning.

While it may look like a movie prop from The Blade Runner, the Kriss Vector is a brilliant design. The Kriss Vector Super V System makes semi-automatic fire smooth and fast, but really shines in full auto mode. The basic idea is that the block and bolt recoil in a downward direction. That explains the big hunk of metal housing just in front of the trigger and behind the magazine well. The repeated force of block and bolt slamming downward help combat muzzle rise and perceived recoil. How else could one hope to keep 1,500 rounds per minute of .45 ACP on target for more than a picasecond? Trust me, it’s fabulously easy to control, unlike Brittany Spears. Add a suppressor and you’re dealing with physics defied. Perhaps Einstein was wrong?

All that ballistic mumbo jumbo aside, I want one. Even a semi-automatic would tide me over for a while. Here are my top 10 reasons:

  1. I too can look like the guy in the photo above. Provided of course that my entire body is shrink-wrapped with fat squeezing man-girdle, covered in tactical gear,  and only my eyes are visible. I might even look tough enough to frighten away my daughter’s prospective dates.
  2. Nothing says “I love you!” like 1,500 rounds per minute of .45 ACP. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Rapidly.
  3. The existence of the Kriss Vector has increased my respect for the French by 32.6 percent. The action was developed by French engineer Renaud Kerbrat.
  4. HausOfGuns.com apparently has one and I’ll be darned if I let those guys get a one up on me!
  5. Kriss Sales and Marketing Vice President Christophe Guignard has a fantastic accent.
  6. The fact that a European gun was developed in .45 ACP gives hope that we don’t in fact have insurmountable differences with our friends and neighbors across the pond.
  7. Assuming mine is a full auto version – suppressed of course – I will finally emerge victorious over the rodents in my garage.
  8. I’m confident that I could talk Lisa and Bart Looper into making a Flashbang holster for the Kriss.
  9. It’s time to put an end to the occupy movement. There are boxes and boxes and boxes of .45 ACP ammo occupying space on my shelf that have no business being there. Freeloaders…
  10. I can finally shoot faster than Rob Leatham.

Fun Hakim Rifle Facts – Only Surrendered Once!

Fun Hakim rifle facts…

The Hakim was begat by the Swedish Ljungman AG-42, designed by Erik Eklund around 1941.

Bored with designing guns for a country who hardly ever goes to war, Eklund later founded the pop group ABBA, where he had many fun escapades with that other guy and those two Swedish singer-babes.

Sweden later sold designs and tooling to Egypt as part of an All Middle East ABBA Mega-Tour. In return for releasing the Ljungman AG-42 design and 28% of t-shirt sales, Eklund insisted that the Egyptian government allow the pop group to sing “Fernando” in front of the Great Sphinx of Giza.

One of the design changes made to the AG-42 with the Egyptian Hakim was addition of a larger muzzle brake. The Hakim actually flies forward several feet when fired, while bathing the shooter with a refreshing mist of hot burning gas. This design feature makes rapid surrender almost effortless. Surprisingly, the French never expressed interest in acquiring the design.

The Hakim has the largest perceived weight of any rifle ever built, with most users assuming it weighs in at approximately 419 pounds. In actuality, the Hakim tips the scales at just over 10 pounds. Perception can be deceiving.

One of the reasons that only 60,000 – 70,000 Hakims were produced was weight. As the Hakim arsenal began to sink into underground oil reserves, production was halted as cleaning crude from wooden rifles is very time consuming and messy.

The Hakim features a unique bolt cover mechanism which was specially designed to allow the rifle to be thrown vigorously into the sand with an aggressive surrender motion, without allowing grit to interfere with the operation of the bolt.

Hakim designers anticipated collector interest in rifles that had never been fired before surrender, thereby preparing them for the lucrative gun show market. Collectors who know, know that Hakim’s will be squeaky clean inside due to their unique sand-proof design.

The Hakim operates via direct gas impingement, like the M16 / AR-15, meaning dirty and corrosive powder blast is driven into the firing mechanism. One primary difference between the Hakim and AR design is the addition of an adjustable gas flow regulator, which requires a special tool that is never around when you need one. Like in the heat of battle.

The Hakim fires the 8x57mm IS cartridge, otherwise known as the 8mm Mauser. This is generally a 192 grain projectile which used to be insanely cheap to buy until it rose in popularity after a series of wildly successful Billy Mays television infomercials.

To open the bolt of a Hakim, the user has to first push it forward in a closing motion, then pull the bolt carrier backwards. This counterintuitive design was apparently intended to prevent enemy soldiers with no musical training (think trombone here) to use captured Hakims against the Egyptians.

The Hakim was manufactured during the 1950’s and into the early 60’s. It saw battlefield service in the Suez Crisis / Sinai War of 1956 where large numbers of Hakim’s were thrown down in surrender in anticipation of a voracious military surplus rifle collector market.

And there you have it – an abbreviated history of one of the more interesting military rifles of the 20th century.