A Gun Holster Story. Gone Bad.

We hope you enjoy the following preview from our soon-to-be released book, The Insanely Practical Guide To Gun Holsters.

Box of gun holstersLet me tell you a holster story. Gone bad.

I started carrying a gun on a daily basis about 10 years ago. And when I decide to do something, I obsess. Big time. For example, after season 1 of The Walking Dead, when it became clear that Zombies, along with personal injury attorneys, would one day rule the earth, I got serious about post-apocalypse survival tips. And I proceeded to learn to grow alfalfa in the bathtub, obtain drinking water with used Snuggies and milk the neighbors cat – which can be used to make a fine and aromatic Emmental cheese.

Back to holsters. When I got the shooting bug, I subscribed to every gun magazine known to man. American Handgunner. Guns Magazine. Guns and Ammo. Combat Handguns. Shooting Times. American Rifleman. American Cop. Concealed Carry Magazine. Redbook. Ok, so Redbook was for that great holiday cookie recipe, but all the others were for legitimate “gun learning” purposes. Anyway, I subscribed to hundreds, or maybe it was more like tens, of magazines per month. I bought books. And read them. Even ones with hardly any pictures.

In short, I thought I was learning everything I needed to know about concealed carry methods and proper holster selection. And so far, I had not been mugged, carjacked or teased about my sideburns, so I figured I had achieved concealed carry expertise. My strategy was sound and proven by several days of success on the street.

For a variety of reasons, I settled on a t-shirt carry method as my default. The brand is not important. Let’s just say it was a spandexy model of shirt with holster pockets sewn into the shirt itself.

From my studies of many important books and magazines, I knew that torso carry on a t-shirt was not the ideal way to carry a gun. Access is significantly more difficult than from a belt mounted holster. Although on the plus side, you do get to give yourself a cheap feel during the draw. However, at that time of my life, absolute deep concealment was more important than immediate access. Or so I thought. And shirt holsters offer outstanding concealment. As an added benefit, those stretchy shirts can make you look for more buff than you actually are. In your own mind anyway.

To make a long story short, one day I was volunteering at a charity event and doing a fair bit of manual labor like setting up tents and chairs. As I bent over to grab a tent peg, I had the disturbing sensation that all was not right in the world. But at that instant, I couldn’t quite put my finger on specifically how The Force was out of harmony. At first I thought my spider sense was telling me that Justin Bieber had suddenly hit puberty, forcing a sudden end to his singing and hair mousse modeling career. Fortunately that was not the case.

However, I did hear a small sonic boom resulting from my Glock 32 launching out of my shirt collar. I won’t go into details, but lets just say the black Tenifer finish on a Glock creates an exothermic reaction when combined with sexy spandex, and the resulting forces are capable of launching a small object, like, oh, say a Glock, at the velocity of Pi times 10 to the 4th power. This is just shy of warp factor 3.

Being quick on my feet when it comes to avoiding major embarrassment, I immediately feigned a terrible case of irritable bunion syndrome and fell to the ground – conveniently covering up my now very exposed ground-dwelling pistol. Pointing towards the infirmary tent and yelling for Dr. Scholl’s bunion pads, I was able to draw attention away from myself long enough to re-holster my Glock in my now untrustworthy shirt holster.

Did you catch that? Yes, it is in fact possible for a gun to launch out of an undershirt holster, through your regular shirt collar. At high-speed. Complicated physics aside, the important thing is that it is in fact possible. Prior to the event, this is not a scenario I would have dreamed possible.

Thanks to a genetic disposition to sudden bunion attacks and a little sleight of hand, I was able to avoid detection. This was somewhat of a miracle, as people tend to notice things like flying Glocks launching from beneath one’s chin folds.

The morals of the story?

1. Do do lots of homework before settling on your personal carry strategy.

2. Keep reading. Even books without pictures.

3. When you choose a holster, think about practical matters. Like bending over.

4. Always be prepared with a ready-to-go medical emergency in the event you need to create a quick diversion. I’ve already claimed spontaneous irritable bunion syndrome attacks, so you have to find your own.

Comments

  1. I wore that same holster shirt in a nightclub setting, had to go to the ground multiple times, and never had my G19 move.

    Did you have it fully inside the holster pocket, or on the edge with the butt sticking out?

  2. Had a “shirt” holster. Underarm sweat damaged the gun. Burned it (the shirt, that is).

    On another occasion I spent a month in tropical climes and sweat destroyed my expen$ive Galco and belt. Upon arrival in Florida and facing two weeks duty at our client’s estate, I went looking for a replacement, only to have to settle for a cheap synthetic fabric one. On the last night of the second week at the beach-front mansion, a subset of The Future Felons of America entered the grounds, probably intent on burglary. Security lights sent them running and my boss ordered me to pursue. On the beach. That cheapo holster bounced up and down like a bungee jumper, causing my Sig 229 to dig a hole in my hip. Happily, the cops intercepted the FFofAs, and all was well – except for my bleeding wound. During the flight home I worked on a plausible lie for our observant 11-year-old son as to why I was limping and needed a blood stain washed out of my shirt. He was not fooled for one second. Upon arrival home I immediately ordered a replacement Galco and belt. Happy Days!
    – Harkrader

    • Glad you didn’t burn the gun :-)

      I’ve had great success with the Looper / Blade-Tech leather/kydex gun belt here in the swamps where humidity and sweat rule. Might want to check that out if you work in hot climates a lot!

      Thanks for sharing your experiences!

      • TOM,
        I USE TWO HOLSETRS PERIOD. BOTH FROM MILT SPARKS, NOT CHEEP BUT 100% RELIABLE. IN THE TEN + YEARS I HAVE USED THEM THEY HAVE NEVER FAILED ME.
        THEY ARE THE “SUMMER SPECIAL” COWHIDE AND “VERSA-MAX II” HORSE HIDE.
        I CAN RUN, JUMP, BEND OVER, ROLL OVER, EVEN FELL DOWN A HILLSIDE. COMPETITION, STAND ON MY HEAD, “MY GUN HAS NEVER FALLEN OUT”. NOR HAVE I BEEN VISUALY DETECTED IN PUBLIC.
        TO HAVE YOUR GUN FALL OUT IN SOME PLACES MAY DEVELOPE INTO MORE THAN JUST AN EMBARASSMENT.
        I CARRY COLT COMMANDERS, COMBAT COMMANDERS AND FULL SIZE GOVERNMENT MODELS, ALL IN 45 ACP. NOTHING ELSE.
        I AM 5′ 4″ TALL AND WEIGH 145 LBS +/-.
        I BIT THE BULLET LONG AGO AND HAVE NEVER REGRETTED IT.

  3. This is one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. Also, I appreciate your reminder that all that works well when we are sitting still, standing, or otherwise sedentary, does not work well when action is added.

    • Thanks MJM! The sad part is that it’s 100% true. Well, nearly. While I did fall on my ground-dwelling gun to cover it, I wasn’t quite witty enough to scream out loud about a sudden irritable bunion attack. That part may have been a *slight* exaggeration. But only slight.

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