Action Shooting Championships Dominated by Justice League of America

Justice League America DC Comics

Justice League of America (DC Comics, Ed Benes)

Blacktown, Australia, October 2010 – Making many renowned competitors look amateurish in comparison, the Justice League of America swept the recent Action Shooting World Championships. While a host of world-class shooters descended on The Blacktown Pistol Club in Sydney, Australia, it was clear from Match 2 (The Barricade Event) onwards that the Justice League team meant business.

Ralph Dibny, better known as The Elongated Man, commented “I think my ability to just stretch around all the barricades really helped to shave seconds off my time. I didn’t have to run anywhere. Elasticity is really an advantage in this part of the match.”

Wonder Woman Superhero

Wonder Woman (Art: Terry Dodson)

The Green Lantern, also known in civilian circles as Hal Jordan, easily took top honors in the falling plate stage. “While there is still a little controversy over legality, I just used my Green Power Ring to shatter the plates” commented Jordan. I did actually shoot at the first one, so I don’t see what people are complaining about.”

Some competitors were less than pleased with the Justice League team. Top Shot reality star Adam Benson intends to lodge a formal complaint with competition organizers. “When Wonder Woman wanted to use her invisible plane during the Moving Target stage, that was the last straw for me” wailed Benson. “I think if you have supernatural powers or come from another planet then you shouldn’t be eligible.”

While most of the Justice League team exhibited quiet humility during their unprecedented victory, some got carried away in the excitement. “When we got to Stage 8 – the Iron Man Match – I was like, REALLY?” laughed Justice League Team Captain Superman. “Give me a break. Iron man? Like that one’s not over before it starts? Please.” Superman refused to comment when asked about recent sightings of him and Wonder Woman at trendy Sydney restaurant, Outback Steakhouse.

Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch ‘n Taste Now Available

old-man-sour-face

Hoppe's Scratch n' Taste - 'aggressive' according to some early customers

Following closely on the heels of the successful release of Hoppe’s No. 9 Air Freshener, Hoppe’s, the gun care people, have announced Hoppe’s No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste.

According to Hoppe’s, the No. 9 Scratch n’ Taste is targeted at those who want more than the “olfactory bliss between gun cleanings” offered by the No. 9 Air Freshener product. “It’ll definitely wake you up in the morning” stated company CEO Ben Cartwright.

Hoppes  Air Freshener

Hoppe's No. 9 Air Freshener

Described by early customers as ‘aggressive’ the Scratch n’ Taste is aimed at a relatively small market niche of truly fanatical gun lovers. “We’re really trying to capture the market segment defined by people who actually drink Hoppe’s No. 9 gun cleaner” stated Don Draper, Vice President of Marketing at Hoppe’s. “We figured if people were that dedicated, we ought to provide a safer means of savoring the Hoppe’s experience.”

While admitting that the Hoppe’s taste experience may be expanded in the future, Draper would not comment on rumors  about Hoppe’s No. 9 Breath Mints.

Speer Bullets Launches New Smokin’ Hot-Cor Ammunition Line

Speer Hot-Cor Bullets

New Speer Smokin' Hot-Cor Bullets

Speer Bullets  recently expanded its already broad line of hunting bullets with the addition of the Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor series. Intended to provide an extension to the successful Hot-Cor line, the Smokin’ series is targeted at hunters and sportsmen with a more ‘randy’ side. In addition to minimal jacketing that leaves much to the imagination, the new Smokin’ Hot-Cores feature beautifully proportioned measurements, regardless of caliber offering. And based on early evaluations, they perform in the field, but only for tips. “These bullets typically retain 152% of their original weight” noted Speer CEO Ben Cartwright. “And they’re not hard on they eyes either. For bullets, they sure are lookers.” When asked how the new bullets could retain more than their original weight after expansion Cartwright explained “It’s just like Smokin’ hot people. Our bullets tend to attract others as they go and before you know it, it’s a stalker entourage.”

Don Draper, Speer Vice President of Marketing

VP Marketing Don Draper

Don Draper, Speer’s Vice President of Marketing shared details of a new promotional strategy for Speer. In a newly minted marketing pact with ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Founder Joe Francis, the companies intend to create a video series entitled “Bullets Gone Wild!” which will feature the new Smokin’ Hot-Cor lineup. “We hope to show our new bullets in action – raw and uncensored – so people can see how they really behave, or maybe misbehave, in the field” said Draper. “When these bullets get out of the gun, they tend to lose all inhibition and who knows what will happen. We hope to capture that on film under our new agreement with Mr. Francis.” Draper also announced availability of the new Speer Smokin’ Hot-Cor calendar in time for the upcoming holiday season. “We wanted hunters to have a new look at our bullets throughout the year. Of course, the calendar will be rated PG-13, so we recommend discretion.”

Bloomberg Eases Concealed Carry Gun Permit Requirements

Mayor Bloomberg, New York City

Mayor Bloomberg (Photo nydailynews.com)

In a surprise announcement today, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced a radical shift in New York’s concealed carry weapon permit policy. Previously, concealed carry weapons (CCW) permits were strictly controlled and granted only to those individuals able to demonstrate ‘proper cause’ for a handgun permit. Examples of proper cause include ‘A’ list celebrity status (D-listers need not apply), proof of greater than normal risk of personal harm, last name of ‘Trump’, and Platinum level campaign donors.

Current CCW permit holders include singer and J-Lo beau Marc Anthony, lucky sperm club member Donald Trump, Jr., actor Robert DeNiro, and professional heckler Howard Stern. In addition to national treasures and celebrities du jour, permits have been granted to individuals who have proven themselves to be at greater than normal risk of physical harm. For example, daughter of garden party mogul Martha Stewart, Alexis Stewart, was recently granted a CCW permit when she claimed that she was regularly transporting large and valuable shipments of liver pate.

Under new screening guidelines, New York will consider offering CCW permits to the following groups of citizens under certain circumstances:

  • You agree to give up trans-fats in your diet for a period not less than one year
  • You are a current or retire NYC Politburo member
  • You are a “respectable” Reality TV star such as finalists from What Not to Wear, Top Chef, and Top Model. Current cast members of Jersey Shore will be excluded “for obvious reasons” according to Bloomberg.
  • You are Congressman Barney Frank
  • You are Yankees star Derek Jeter, provided you maintain a .320 hitting average
  • You’re a current cast member of ‘Saturday Night Live’ provided you continue to ‘toe the line.’

When questioned about the fairness of the new policies, Mayor Bloomberg replied “Shut up dammit. I bought the last election and I can buy the next one. It’s good to be king!”

Smith and Wesson Announces Bodyguard – Jersey Shore Edition

Jersey Shore Fighting

Jersey Shore Bodyguard in Action

Smith & Wesson Holding Corporation (SWHC, Nasdaq) today announced an extension to it’s new Bodyguard line of personal protection pistols, the Jersey Shore Edition.

Aimed squarely at the post binge-drinking, out of control situation market segment, the Bodyguard Jersey Shore line offers several innovative features designed to offer ego and hairstyle protection, while minimizing regrets the day after.

According to Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright, the Bodyguard Jersey Shore is designed to protect reputation, ego, and lucrative television contracts without permanent physical harm. “Say you’re at the club, at like 3:30am, and some juicehead gorilla wants to smoosh with you. But you’re like, forget that, I just got my nails done and my spray tan hasn’t fully dried yet. The Bodyguard Jersey Shore is the perfect solution. It allows you to ward off unwanted advances at the clubs without physical harm, so the next day, when your tan is dry, you can hook up with that juicehead with no hard feelings.”

Smith & Wesson spokespeople declined to offer details on exactly how the Bodyguard Jersey Shore works, but industry insiders speculate that the technology relies on remote steroid neutralization. “If you can make the guys abs look really lame, you have the power and respect” stated J-Woww, an early adopter of the Bodyguard Jersey Shore Edition system. “It’s like ‘I own you now guido!’ One more move and I’ll show the whole club that you’re a skank with no abs.”

Ruger Announces Common Stock and Light Origami Pistol Repurchase Program

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Ruger Light Origami Pistol

Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE-RGR), announced the third quarter 2010 repurchase of 412,000 shares of common stock and 4 Light Origami Pistols (LOPs). Reportedly, the total repurchase program was valued at $5,700,000.84 with $5.7 million allocated to common stock and $0.84 allocated to the repurchase of the LOP Pistols.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

Ben Cartwright

According to Ben Cartwright, Chief Executive Officer, “We’re always looking at aggressive ways to increase shareholder value. Since the company is doing so well, we decided it was time to embark on an aggressive stock repurchase program.”

Asked about the rationale behind the Light Origami Pistol Program, Cartwright explained “It occurred to us that stockholders should not be the only ones to benefit from repurchase programs. Why not do something for collectors as well?”

Ruger’s strategy is to buy pistols back from the public in order to decrease supply and availability – thereby driving up prices for collectors. While innovative, the strategy has yet to be proven in the market.

Ruger’s Chief Financial Officer Gordon Gecko explained the new strategy during the recent third quarter analyst briefing call. “Right now, there are about 5 Light Origami Pistols out there in the market, so it’s not really a collectible. They’re only selling for about $0.21 each given the state of the economy. We thought that if we could buy back 4 of them, then maybe that 5th one would really increase in value.”

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