2009 December

Announcement on whether 2010 is Bush’s fault delayed

President George W Bush

White House spokesperson Charlie Gibbs announced today that a decision on whether 2010 is former President George W. Bush’s fault will be delayed, most likely until the end of the coming year.

“The President will be requesting weekly reports from top administration advisers to determine whether 2010 represents a ‘systemic failure’ or not. While we’re pretty sure that 2010 will be blamed on former President Bush, we need to get all the evidence.” stated Gibbs. “Who knows, 2010 could be the start of a major economic recovery and we certainly would not want to place blame for that.”

In a written statement about the matter, President Obama indicated that, while he does not have all the facts, it appeared that the previous administration ‘acted stupidly’ regarding 2010. In the same statement, the President indicated that comments from Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano claiming that the 2010 system was ‘going to work flawlessly’ may have been premature.

“We’ve inherited unprecedented problems that may result in not only 2010, but 2011 and 2012 being blamed on former President Bush” stated Obama.

Potential Gun Crime Increases 15% in Massachusetts

December 24, 2009 By Tom 2 Comments

The number of gun permits surged 15% over the past two years according to The Boston Globe, creating near perfect conditions for increasing the state’s criminal population. With the addition of 28,000 Class A firearms permits, commonly called a “license to carry,” Massachusetts now has over 224,000 newly minted criminals in training.

Some questioned the connection between gun permit holders and crime. “Do you really think a permit alone qualifies these people as criminals?” asked one citizen. “It takes years of incarceration to learn the tricks of the trade and none of these folks have never seen the inside of the slammer. I think this is really going to bring down the quality level of our average hoodlum.”

But police officials generally disagree. “Look, if these people were really law abiding, why would they want to own and carry a gun?” asked Boston Police Captain Patrick O’Malley. “We’re just thankful that they are generally docile and easier to arrest. If we have to arrest people anyway, I would much rather that person be an accountant or housewife rather than a gang banger or street thug.”

Most agree that the surge in permit activity will yield much needed economic benefits by decreasing criminal unemployment and swelling the ranks of state and county law enforcement.

“We’re thrilled about the fresh crop of citizens to rough up.” said Harry Callahan, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Office of Public Safety. “We’re going to have to hire at least 750 new officers statewide to harass these folks.”