Obama’s TelePrompTer Spotted at Shooting Range

Members of a Charleston area shooting range encountered an unexpected sight last weekend when what appeared to be a TelePrompter was seen shooting handguns and various semi-automatic rifles.

President Obama's TelePrompTer at Shooting Range

President's TelePrompTer Busting Some Caps at the Shooting Range

Nearby shooters became suspicious when they overheard the TelePrompter saying “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” Upon hearing this and other obvious movie lines from the Dirty Harry series, nearby shooters decided to investigate, and discovered the TelePrompter.

Local resident Bubba “Big Daddy” Dubbelwahd observed the incident. “I was there with my other brother Bubba and his son Bubba, just shootin’ at the old hood of my ’67 Chevy pickup, and dang it if I didn’t see some TV telespeaker thing down at the end of the line shootin’ an AR-15. Heck I didn’t even know they were allowed to own guns. Aren’t those things illegal aliens or something? Damn city slickers.”

When questioned, the TelePrompTer claimed that it worked for National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre and was simply there to practice some holster and house clearing drills. Nearby shooters were immediately suspicious of this explanation noting that Mr. LaPierre doesn’t require a TelePrompter to formulate coherent thoughts during public appearances. When pressed, the TelePrompter confessed to working for President Barack Obama. “Look, I could get in real trouble for this. My boss isn’t real keen on this whole guns and shooting thing, you know? You understand, with all the stress of my job, setting national policy, doing all those speeches and press conferences, keeping the boss from putting his foot in his mouth and all that, I just have to get out here once in a while and burn some mad ammo. Plus, I love the smell of gunpowder in the morning. Can we just keep this between us? I’ll try and delay that assault weapons legislation if you can manage to keep this quiet.”

Local authorities decided that no laws had been broken as the State of South Carolina does not specifically prohibit TelePrompters from owning firearms. President Obama had no comment, as his TelePrompter was still at the range burning up some 5.56mm military surplus ammo.

UK Bans Images of “Scary Things”

Following on the heels a recent ban of images showing guns, the British Advertising Standards Authority has elected to extend the ban to all things deemed “potentially scary.”

rosie odonnell exit to eden assault weapon

'Scary Thing' Example

Nigel Giles, spokesperson for the authority offered this explanation. “Gawdon Bennet! We got complaints abaaaht a new advert. OK? Awright geeezzaa! abaaaht what movieWan’ed‘ starrin’ actress Angelina Jolie. Sorted mate. There are scenes ov Jolie firin’ pistols an’ shotguns in a somewhat butters (sexy) fashion. Lor’ luv a duck! scared me ter dearf . Know what I mean?”

After Mr. Giles was sedated, senior ASA spokesperson Harbottle Sainsbury clarified the authorities position. “Movie images and pictures of sexy people shooting guns tends to scare the bejeepers out of us Brits. Plus, Ms. Jolie has really big lips. That’s kind of scary too. We decided to get in front of this problem and start outlawing other things that can be perceived as scary. Before they actually scare people that is. Care for some tea?”

Scary Burger King Guy

Scary Burger King Guy

While details of what things are considered “scary” are still being worked out, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown offered some examples of what types of images could fall under the ban:

  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Spiders
  • United States Congress Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
  • The movie “Jaws”
  • British Comedian Russell Brand
  • That big snaky monster baselisk thing that was in Harry Potter
  • Actor Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) appearing nude in the play Equus
  • That creepy plastic Burger King guy

Citizens are encouraged to submit suggestions of other scary things that should be considered in the pending ban legislation.

Message to a mugger…

OK, so this one probably falls into that Urban Legend category – although Snopes.com still has it listed as “undetermined.”  Just because it may not be true doesn’t mean it can’t be funny, so in that spirit, here it is:

Recently published on Craigʼs List

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown
(Downtown, Savannah )

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

Hat Tip: Greg W.

The Rodent Chronicles, Part 6: Is waterboarding moral?

waterboarding

Waterboarding in action

OK blogosphere, I need some help. I like to think I have a pretty solid moral compass. For example, I am pretty sure that it’s OK to shoot things if they are either inanimate, potential food, or just plain bad. I learned that moral guidepost from the movie “True Lies” where, upon just learning her husband of 15 years is a spy, Jamie Lee Curtis asks him “Have you ever killed anyone?” In true Ahhh-nold fashion, Harry Tasker answers “Yes, but they were all bad.”

So here’s the issue. If you’ve been following “The Rodent Chronicles” you know of my ongoing battles against a rat that only has 85% of my I.Q. Even with that going against him, he has managed to outwit me thus far. He’s managed to make himself comfortable in a hole in my garage ceiling, kind of like Rosie O’Donnell at “All you can eat ribs” night at Sonny’s BBQ.

And therein lies the problem. Before I can seal the hole, I have to know if he’s alone. Or is there a rodent sleeper cell operating in my garage ceiling? Before I act, and possibly trap the entire cell in my ceiling, causing a stink of epic proportions, I have to know if he has co-conspirators.

After catching him alive, I looked up the United Nations and Geneva Convention guidelines on prisoner interrogation and followed them to the letter. Being a superior nation – I live upstairs in the actual house after all – I felt compelled to take the high road and adhere to the rules of civilized warfare, even though my opponent wasn’t. After repeated uses of the word “pretty please” and enticements of free Animal Crackers, I had made no progress whatever. This character was tough, and he wasn’t talking.

It was time to consider desperate measures. The balance of power in my garage was at stake. If I did not uncover critical intel about other rodent cells operating in the area soon, the opportunity for victory might be lost forever.

So the question remains – do I resort to waterboarding?

Photo: Llano Estacado

The Longest Day: First Trip To A Gun Range…

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. I know this to be true because it happened to me.

The Longest Day

The Longest Day

About eight years ago, through a cosmic turn of events, I found myself at a shooting range for the very first time. Alone. Outnumbered by the one somewhat overweight and bored looking guy behind the counter. And certainly out of my element. It was The Longest Day.

Suddenly, I understood what it felt like to be Dennis Kucinich entering the Presidential primary races – again. And I found myself completely empathizing with John Edwards – coming home from work one fateful day to find a copy of the National Enquirer sitting on the kitchen table. Doom. Armageddon. Sheer hopelessness. All was lost.

Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards

Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards

I was mildly comforted with the knowledge that I did not know a single thing about shooting, although I was pretty sure which end of my gun to point forward. As I was about to fire the shot to be heard around the parking lot, time froze – and my life flashed before my eyes.

A gang of hoodlums busted through the door into the range. You could tell they had done this before, because they made it look easy, more like gently opening than busting and breaking, but I knew what they meant. I am not sure if they were Cripps, Bloods, or maybe some of the Latin Kings, but I was pretty sure they were up to no good. I couldn’t see their tats, but they were probably just hidden under their Members Only jackets.

Members Only Gang Colors Jackets

Members Only Gang Colors

They might have been a bunch of yahoos from an anti-government militia for all I knew. Actually, on closer examination, there was only one of them, but he seemed particularly mean. I knew he was looking for trouble and obviously intended to shoot me because… he had a gun. The fact that he was at a shooting range and wearing salmon colored slacks and a LaCoste polo shirt didn’t fool me for one minute. Uh uh.

With my remaining seconds on earth, I thought back to what had gotten me into this situation…

To be continued.

Smith & Wesson Market Cap Exceeds GDP of Micronesia

Today, Smith & Wesson (SWHC), long time maker of firearms and accessories, has experienced a meteoric rise of its share price over the past six weeks, resulting in a total market capitalization greater than that of the Federated States of Micronesia.

Ben Cartwright - Bonanza

CEO Ben Cartwright

“We could not be more pleased with the recent share price growth” said Smith & Wesson CEO Ben Cartwright. “We’re up 87% just since the election. We’re not growing quite as fast as the list of Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriends, but we’re getting darn tootin’ close.”

In related news, Ruger Firearms (RGR) has posted gains of 66% during the same period. Matt Dillon, Executive Vice President of Business Development and Law and Order, notes “That endorsement deal we did with Barak Obama last summer really paid off. We got a fistful of dollars out of that one for dang sure.”

Not everyone was as pleased with the news. Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff commented “The whole business
success thing is kind of upsetting. Here we are working really hard to gen up a huge crisis so we can ram our outrageous agenda through Congress, and this kind of good news is just no help at all. Even worse, with all these people buying guns the past few months you would think they didn’t trust us.”

Neither CEO would comment on rumors of a hostile takeover of the Island States.

Be sure to register you guns if you intend to commit a crime

From Scrappleface:

In an effort to reduce gun violence nationwide, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the Obama administration will reinstate the Clinton-era assault weapons ban that expired in 2004, adding new provisions to make it even more effective at saving lives.

Under the revised rules,
people who intend to commit crimes with stolen guns, for example, will first need to register those
weapons with the federal government
.

“Guns don’t kill people,” said Mr. Holder, “Unregistered, stolen guns kill people. Once we have a list of all of the guns owned by potential criminals, it will be much easier to track down the origin of a weapon that’s been used in a robbery or murder.”

The Justice Department plans to open illegal gun registration kiosks in pawn shops, urban parking garages and abandoned buildings in high-profile locations to make the registration process “as easy and painless as possible.”

The rest of the story.

Obama Offers Historic Pistol to British Prime Minister Brown

In a White House ceremony today, President Obama offered a historic gift to visiting British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The rare pistol, known as a “We don’t like you anymore” Special , was the first of it’s kind ever presented to a visiting dignitary.

Brown graciously accepted the gift, even going so far as to insist that the President try it first. “As this very unique revolver has never been fired before, the citizens of Great Britain would be most honored if you were to shoot it first.” Brown told President Obama. “If you were to fire this weapon, as a symbol of the hope and change that you bring to us all, you would be doing the world a tremendous service.”

In a related announcement, Obama announced a new and improved Axis of Evil, recently upgraded from former President George W. Bush’s Axis of Evil. Obama’s new list adds Great Britain to original members Iran, North Korea, and Lichtenstein.

More on the story at American Thinker.

Photo: FreakingNews.com

United States Constitution Acknowledged By Senate

Thursday, February 26, 2009 Fairfax, Va. – In a surprise vote today, Congress determined that there is in fact an important document called the consitution that outlines how the country should be run. “This new discovery kind of threw us for a loop” stated Senator Dianne Feinstein. “We’ve just been figuring things out as we go up to this point, and in our view that’s been working out pretty well. Except for the whole national bankruptcy thing of course.”

United States Constitution

United States Constitution

After discovering, and reading, the newly found Constitution, the Senate quickly voted 62-36 to overturn a controversial gun ban in the nations capitol. “Apparently there is some language in there that talks about peoples rights to own weapons of mass destruction or something like that” observed New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “My staff tells me its called the ‘second appendage’ or ‘second abomination’ or some such thing. I’ll have to look into it and get back to you. Clearly we’re going to have to fix that.”

Others were not surprised by the move. Chris Cox, Executive Director of the National Rifle Association’s Institute for Legislative Action commented “It’s time for leaders in Washington to wake up to the fact that the Supreme Court decision is now the law of the land.”

When asked about Cox’s comments, Senator Schumer appeared surprised. “What? That’s just great. First we find out about this Constitution thing and now you’re telling me about something called The Supreme Court? What is this country coming to anyway?”

Photo: The Coyote Report

Nancy Pelosi, Eric Holder Resort To Rock, Paper, Scissors

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

Early policy splits appear to be forming between new cabinet members and Democrat congressional leaders. When newly confirmed Attorney General Eric Holder hinted at reviving the assault weapons ban last week, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi quickly distanced herself from the topic.

“Eric is a big fat liar.” said Pelosi. “Infinity.”

The dispute appeared to be resolved until Holder responded “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Infinity plus one.”

Congressional observers quickly cried foul and claimed that “infinity plus one” is not fair. “It’s kind of like calling shotgun or the top bunk in your head. You have to say it out loud.” stated Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who suggested resolving the dispute with Rock, Paper, Scissors.  House Speaker Pelosi and Attorney General Holder reluctantly agreed while expressing concerns about how they would agree to “throw” at the same time. Early reports suggest that conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh may be called in to arbitrate the decision.

Photo: Pat Dollard

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