Quote of the day

“…the only background check I’d support is one on politicians.”

Sheriff Richard Mack (Sheriff of Graham County, AZ; filed suit challenging Constitutionality of the Brady Law)

Black helicopter conspiracies…

Black Helicopter Conspiracy

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that no one is out to get you.

The government is out to get me. Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I hear it starts with censorship and then more drastic things happen, like wedgie boarding. I found out today that my blog feed has not been working for a while. For a split second I thought I might have screwed up some HTML tags or done something else stupid technically. Then I realized that’s impossible. I know how to operate Microsoft Word, Adobe Elements, and The Clapper after all.

That leaves only one explanation. Apparently the new administration is not finding humor in the way I poke fun at them and they’re shutting me down. POTUS (that’s President Of T he United States for you people who don’t read Tom Clancy novels) did not find my post on his recent gun purchase amusing at all. Lighten up dude. Don’t hurt me or worse yet, send me to exile in France.

If you read this blog one day, and it is actually good, you’ll know that I am gone – taken in the dark of night and replaced with a faceless and nameless test tube drone, created in the depts of the AIG financial records vault.

In the meantime, the blog feed should be working.

Watch your back. If you are reading this, you might be next.

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers!

Wal-Mart ammo shortage

Wal-Mart ammo shortage

Manager assistance needed in sporting goods.

My local Wally World is a little low on ammunition. Who knew the Pork Spendulus bill included ammunition subsidies for under-privileged gun nuts. Where do I sign up to get my share of free stuff from the government?

“Impressive Chewing” Technology to Secure Israel’s Borders

The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) recently fielded a new top-secret weapon designed to secure border areas. A covert IDF operative, recently back from deployment, and blogging under the code name Doubletapper, describes the new weapons system:

Israel's CCAD (Cud Chewing Antelope of Doom) Defense System

Israel's CCAD (Cud Chewing Antelope of Doom) Defense System

The latest addition to the arsenal: a group of African antelope, each weighing nearly 1100 pounds. The antelope have been stationed on Israel’s border with Lebanon, to eat up the “problematic foliage that distorts views of the Lebanese side and within which Hezbollah guerrillas could hide.” The beasts, known as “Elands,” were introduced to Israel from east Africa in the 1970s, to fill zoos. But when these animals “impressive chewing abilities were discovered,” the animals were recruited by the military.

“The Elands eat tremendous quantities and do a wonderful job clearing the weeds at enormous or secret military installations, and in places where there are ammunition storerooms, where the fear of fires is greater. In these places the Elands save on manpower and obviate the need for spraying chemical herbicides.” There are now “between 500 and 700 Elands” at military bases throughout Israel.

The new weapons platform, code named CCAD (Cud Chewing Antelope of Doom) is already in front line deployment. The first iteration of the new system does not include first strike capability; however upgrades are planned for the near future. According to Lieutenant General Gabi Ashkenazi, “We hope to mount up to three Hellfire missiles on each paunch of the antelope with a hard point mount for a single Stinger anti-aircraft missile on the beasts head. We’re confident about the amount of offensive punch we can pack onto this platform. These animals are pretty offensive as it is, so adding Hellfire’s will really make them formidable in the field. We do anticipate battlefield intelligence being a potential problem though.”

General Ashkenazi offered no comment when asked about rumors of a new emu based land attack system.

Prophetic Abe

“We cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.”
Abraham Lincoln

Nuff said.

Thanks to Mas Ayoob’s Blog for the reminder.

Beware the melonhead gang!

WARNING: View at your own risk! The content below is for juvenile people (like me) who think watching fruits and vegetables explode is really amusing.

Hair (Armor) Club For Women

Who needs Kevlar and ceramic plates when a good hair weave will do?

Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave

The Associated Press


Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was
uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair
weave. Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store
parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her
that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She
replied, “Well I dont love him,” then heard gunshots. She said she
looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at
her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another
parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

Courtesy, The Miami Herald

Reason #147 I want an iPhone…

Think of all the money I will save on buying old fashioned levels once every 20 years or so.

iphone_level

The Perfect Tool for Every Handyman

Wedgies are legal – If you are in fear for your life…

OK maybe I have to rethink this whole “My Gun Culture” thing.  Clearly there are other efficient means of defending one’s self.

Wedgie as good as handcuffs in suspect detention

The Associated Press


It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car.

Yvonne
Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, says she chased
a man who broke into a co-worker’s car, but he kept squirming away from
her.

Morris eventually grabbed the man’s boxer shorts and pulled.
Salt Lake City police say she then she put a headlock on the man until
help could arrive.

The man was booked into the
Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of
stolen property and outstanding warrants.

The Miami Herald

Revisionist History Corner: The Declaration of Dependence

Today’s episode of Revisionist History Corner brings Part 1 of a series on our country’s founding document, herefore to be know as the Declaration of Dependence. Rather than be an apathetic slug blogger and wait to comment on someone else’s revisionist efforts, I figure I’ll be proactive and start rewriting things myself.

Let’s take a crack of bringing that pesky document, formerly known as the Declaration of Independence, up to date.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created
equal, with the exception of career politicians, who have been endowed
with a special gift of judgment, in order to determine who should and
should not be equal. All men are endowed by their Creator with certain
unalienable Rights, that among these are life, large homes, the payment of taxes in
order to promote patriotism, and the pursuit of free stuff from the
Government.”

Before I send this to the National Archives, feel free to offer some constructive, or destructive, criticism.  While all of our founding principles are now living documents, we don’t want to have to break out the quill pen too often for revisions, so let’s get this years version right.

This has been a revisionist history moment, brought to you by Congressman Barney Frank.

Don’t bother checking this page again tomorrow; we’ll probably have rewritten it by then.

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